Greg Davies: You Magnificent Beast Page #2

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So, I was on to Santa.

But I thought, "Fair enough,

she can't afford it."

I just let it go.

Now, it obviously got to her,

'cause a couple of days later,

she came back...

She went, "Oh...

I've spoken to my friend Carol.

We think we can make you a giant bear."

And I remember thinking, "Uh..."

I was only eight years of age,

but I thought, "Oh...

that sounds sh*t, doesn't it?

That sounds sh*t."

She took a dirty old blue blanket out

of the garage,

and I thought,

"Yep, this is gonna be sh*t."

Then every two days on the buildup

to Christmas, she'd come over...

"Project's coming on.

Project's coming on."

Christmas day, I ran into the front room

and under the tree,

there was a giant parcel for me.

And I ripped it open. And there he was.

I met him for the first time.

BT.

"Blue Ted."

Five-foot tall.

Five foot. They added two feet onto it.

And he became a firm friend of mine

for many years to come.

He really did.

Like I said. It's just...

You seem surprised.

It's just a nice story.

No, no. No, there's no need for that.

We're not in America. It's fine.

Sorry, I forgot to say...

I went home recently

and found a picture of BT.

-Would you like to meet him?

-[cheering]

I can't hear you.

-[cheering continuing]

-Would you like to meet him?

Here he is.

What the f*** is that?

Because it isn't a bear,

is it ladies and gentlemen?

A f***ing frog, maybe.

It scared the living sh*t out of me.

It looks like ET, doesn't it?

If anything.

Oh, incidentally, I don't know

the last time you watched ET,

I watched it three weeks ago.

It was on one Sunday,

and I was drawn into that film

the way I was as a child.

It was the scene in the woodshed

when Elliott first uncovers ET.

And his little glowing finger comes out.

And I thought,

"God, that's a magical film, ET."

And my mate Rich was next to me.

He ruined that film in one sentence,

and I'm about to ruin it for you now.

'Cause he said-- I was going, "Oh, God...

this is like being a child."

And Rich went, "Tell you what, mate,

if I found something like that in my shed,

I'd stove it's f***ing head in

with a shovel."

And he's right, isn't he?

If you think about it for one second,

he's right.

If you found that in your shed,

you would panic,

and you would stamp the c*nt to death.

[speaks gibberish] It talks!

Mom!

A little early in the record to be

calling ET a c*nt, isn't it?

I like to call ET a c*nt.

It's funny when you film something

and you can hear things being cut out

as you say them.

[mimics cutting] ET's a c*nt.

Well, I stand by it. He is a c*nt.

[laughs] Look...

my point is...

[laughs]

Can I just say to the lady

who just looked at me really seriously,

the more upset you are,

the funnier I find it.

Look...

look...

Guys.

My point is...

it's a weird looking creature. Right?

But it's a mom doing her best for her son.

She couldn't afford what I wanted,

so she did her best.

I think we can all agree,

it's a sweet story, isn't it?

Or it would be...

But when I got to 13 years of age,

ladies and gentleman,

I f***ed that bear.

I did. Sorry.

I f***ed him right in his furry backside.

And I didn't f*** him once,

I'll tell you that.

I f***ed him for a whole summer.

I was out in the park,

playing with my friends.

And I'd f*** that every day.

Mom would shout, "Time to get up

for school, Greg."

I was too busy knocking

the back end out of this.

You can see it in his eyes

if you look closer.

Haunted.

Haunted.

I'll be honest with you. He could stand up

on his own after a while.

"Very funny, Greg.

Very funny!

First you make me out

to be a mad old lady.

Now I find out you've been fornicating

with the toys I made for you.

It's disgusting."

I say, "It's just a laugh, Mom."

She goes, "It's a laugh for you.

It's my reputation you're

out there ruining.

What's the show called?

You're all right, aren't you?"

The show has always been

"You Magnificent Beast."

There's a reason for that.

I was moving through London in a cab

with the window open.

A drunk student saw me, recognized me.

He dove through the window

of the moving cab.

He grabbed me by the throat,

and he went, "Oh, yeah.

You magnificent beast."

He just let go.

Honestly, as far as I know,

he could be dead.

But I got a title for my show.

The honest truth is, the next day

I found myself...

"Yes, I am.

Yes, I am."

I thought, "I'm gonna write a show

about how magnificent I am.

How magnificent we all are.

That's what my show is gonna be about.

How unique all human beings are.

How we've all got something to offer."

I started getting quotes together,

inspirational quotes about humans.

Look at this. I think it's wonderful.

"Child of heaven born

from the womb of a star."

All of us.

Another one...

"Man's goodness is a flame that can be

hidden but never extinguished."

Nelson Mandela said that.

I hope this doesn't seem arrogant,

but I do see myself

as the white Nelson Mandela.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Another one.

"No species has ever had such

wholesale control

over everything on Earth."

Attenborough said that.

We believe anything Attenborough said.

I thought, "This show is

gonna write itself."

I start getting images together

of the wonderful things

all human beings have done.

And my mom, still smarting,

went, "Yeah, I'm a mad old lady

who's had her youth, had it away with.

And you're a magnificent beast?

How about your lift your shirt up in front

of the mirror,love?

See how magnificent you are."

I will do. Yeah. Have a look.

Look at it.

Look at what I've done to myself.

Nothing magnificent about this, is there?

I thought, "She's got a point."

When I thought about it more,

I thought, "There's nothing magnificent

about a middle-aged human being anyway.

Middle-age is dreadful."

I'm gonna come and talk

to one of my middle-aged friends.

This is where I massively offend someone.

-What's your name?

-Sean.

Sean, you're how old? Sorry?

-Forty-seven.

-Couple years younger than me?

-Are you enjoying middle age?

-Yep.

Are you up for a piss in the night?

-A couple of times.

-Twice.

We're at the same prostate level.

It's called "galia melon."

Two pisses a night, I'm the same.

You're two years younger than me.

I'll tell you, things have happened to me

that you've got to look forward to.

And I just want to share them

with the young people.

In the last two years,

my nails have become

four times thicker than they used to be.

Just imagine that, young people.

Imagine not being able to bite through

your own f***ing nails.

What's the evolutionary miracle

about that,David Attenborough?

In case I fancy skittering up a wall

like a f***ing lizard?

I've started behaving weirdly.

I've started buying folk music.

No one likes folk music,

not even the singers.

They can't be bothered

to sing out of their mouths.

[singing gibberish]

I've got albums full of the sh*t

round my place.

In the Sunday supplement,

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