Greg Davies: You Magnificent Beast Page #3

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I ordered one of those things

you put on your stomach to try

and make you not fat

without doing exercise.

You know the electrocution things?

And at a real low point in my life,

I found myself electrocuting myself

whilst listening to folk music.

[singing gibberish]

The hills of Donegal

You can turn it up really fast as well.

[sings gibberish]

I had to stop 'cause I thought

I was gonna sh*t myself.

Then I had a real wake-up call.

I did some warm up gigs

and had my friend support me.

Ed Gamble, who's a young, beautiful comic.

and then...

Ed. You talk about weird things

when you're on the road together.

And Ed, a much younger, prettier boy,

he made very casual reference

to when he got back to the hotel

that night,

he was gonna havea "tidy up"

downstairs.

And I went, "What?"

He said, "I'm goingto have a little..

trim downstairs."

-Sean?

-Yes. [laughs]

-Yeah.

-You trimming?

I have trimmed.

You're all trimming, aren't you?

All you men are trimming,

and it passed me by, "manscaping."

I'm like, "What the f*** are you

on about? Have a trim downstairs?"

He goes, "Come on, Grandad.

Everyone's trimming."

Which men here are trimming?

Just give me a cheer.

[scattered cheering]

Okay, fine.

I didn't know it was a thing.

I missed it.

I know that you women have been,

you know....

So you wanna hear a thing that's

not gonna make it into the show?

I was gonna say "waxing that rat."

Unbelievable.

Snip, snip, out it comes.

But it never occurred to me.

I panicked.

At the hotel, I thought,

"I better check this out."

I took my clothes off,

went to the bathroom,

and I stood in front of the mirror

to see how bad things were.

Oh, my God.

I had never noticed it before.

A giant, graying '70s afro.

Awful!

It looked like Don King was riding

on the back

of a depressed mini-elephant.

I thought, "You're never get

another girlfriend. You fat prick.

There's only one person

who's gonna be interested in that."

And the f***ing bear's in hiding.

So, I thought, "I'm gonna have to do

something about this."

So I did. I went back to my bedroom,

and I did something about it.

Well, ladies and gentlemen...

there were hairs down there

like the mooring ropes of the Titanic.

I knew I was in trouble

'cause I used my beard trimmer to do it.

The motor started panicking

when it hit bush.

[imitates razor whirring]

I(t's like I was f***ing angle-grinding.

Took me 20 minutes

to get the worst of it out.

Five or six pounds of silvery bush

on the floor.

Looked like burnt tinsel.

I went back to the full-length mirror

to check out my handiwork.

Very nice.

Very nice.

The pubes I'm talking about obviously,

not what was beneath them.

The mini-elephant

was as depressing as ever,

just lolling...

"What are we doing?"

"I was just...

I was just trimming your pubes."

"Okay.

Anything else?"

"While we're here,

I supposewe could have a piss."

"Okay. [sputters]

Not finished." [groans]

[sputters] "Okay. Bedtime."

Anyway...

I went back to bed with a little spring

in my step that night.

I thought, "Yes, very nice, big man.

You've rolled the clock back

a few years there. Very nice."

I fell asleep...

feeling pretty good about myself.

In the morning...

I allowed my hand to dance over the area.

That's always painful, I'll be honest,

because of my f***ing talons.

Didn't feel right. Something felt wrong.

Felt like someone had

dropped a mini-pizza down there.

I couldn't be bothered

to go to the bathroom,

and as you can see,

I can't see my own genitals.

So I made an extraordinary decision.

I got my iPhone.

And I took this picture here.

F*** me. It is the worst thing

I've ever seen.

And the flash scared the sh*t out

of the elephant.

And then above his head,

there was just a halo of purple scabs.

Disgusting!

I'd had an allergic reaction to the trim.

I went, "For f***'s sake..."

You're a middle-aged man.

Accept it. Accept it!

And I vowed never to touch my pubis again.

I went home, and...

a few days later, I went to my local cafe

in the park.

I go to a cafe in the park.

And I saw Elsie,

a woman I've got to know really well.

I went, "Hello, Elsie."

She went, "Hello, Greg."

And I went, "Hello, Elsie."

She said, "I haven't seen you for ages."

I went, "I've been on tour."

She went, "Oh, lovely."

I said, "And before that,

I was in Spain on holiday."

And she went, "Oh, I love Spain.

I love it. "

I went, "It's nice, isn't it?"

I said, "Would you like a cup of tea?"

She goes, "I'd love one, darling."

I went, "Right, I'll go get us one."

She goes, "Okay, here, before you go,

you haven't got any photos

of your holiday, have you?"

"Yes, I have, Elsie. Here on my iPhone.

Why don't you flick through them

at your leisure...

while I go and get the tea?"

And I was holding the tray.

"Oh, they're lovely!

What a lovely villa.""Yes."

"Are these your friends?"

"Yes, they're my friends."

"Oh, lovely."

As they put the teapot on the tray,

I remembered, and I went, "Ooh, f***."

And the world went into slow motion.

[grunts] "Elsie!"

I got to her just as she swiped onto it.

And she went... [shrieks]

And I went, "Ooh!"

And she went, "Hey!"

And we locked eyes,

and she was waiting for an explanation.

And f*** me...

This is what I said. "Oh!

I made a trifle."

Doesn't speak to me anymore.

Why would she?

Why would she speak to a man

who tried to pass his cock and balls off

as a dessert?

I used to be a teacher. You know that?

Teachers here tonight?

-[cheering]

-God bless you, you heroes.

Look at this quote I found about you.

"The best teachers are those

that tell you where to look,

but they don't tell you what to see."

It's true.

I taught for 13 years,

and I thought I was great.

It's the only thing that's kept me going

'cause honestly, I f***ing hate children,

but I thought I was good.

It's the only thing

that I've clung onto all these years.

The kids liked me,

and I never did them a disservice.

I met some of them in the same week

as I saw Elsie.

I met some of my ex-pupils.

I've got another quote for you now

from one of them.

See what you make of this.

It's a genuine quote.

When I stopped to really think about it

for ten seconds,

I was sh*t.

I was a drama teacher,

which in itself is hilarious, right?

You know when I knew I had

to give up teaching?

I was in my drama studio,

and the kids were performing a play

that they'd been working on for weeks

while I smoked out the back

of the drama studio,

and I finally run out of time,

and they had to perform them,

and they were really excited and focused.

And I realized someone was up

in the lighting tower of the drama studio

aggressively throwing Blu Tack

into their faces

while they were performing,

and I mean really nastily,

spitefully throwing it.

It was bouncing off them,

and they were going, "Get off, get off!"

It was awful.

And I knew I had to give up teaching

when I realized

that the person up there

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