Greg Davies: You Magnificent Beast Page #4

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throwing that Blu Tack,

that's right, was me.

It was me with the head of English,

and we were laughing our bollocks off.

It was at that point I realized...

my perception of how I think people see me

and other people's perception

are very different things.

When you start to think about it,

it panics you.

And the worst thing is your perception,

or rather your reputation,

can be ruined like that.

I'm gonna show you three quotes.

They're all from actual friends of mine.

They're so insane,

they changed my view of that person,

and I wrote it on my phone immediately.

Right?

The first one is from a 37-year-old

science teacher.

She could be teaching your children.

I had a wild row with her in the pub

because she said,

and she f***ing meant this...

She thinks you can stretch yourself.

I went to an urban zoo

with a 40-year-oldfriend of mine,

who's a mother of two.

She saw a turkey and she said this.

"Happy Christmas, here's your

traditional massive male chicken."

But by far the worst,

a 52-year-old friend ofmine,

who is a successful CEO of a company.

I made reference to the irritating

buzzing wings of a fly

that was in the room, and he said this.

He thinks flies are shouting.

"Yeah!

I'm a fly!

I'm flying!"

Presumably, when they stop and land,

they're having a f***ing breath, are they?

[panting]

"Yeah.

Let's do this.

Yeah! Fly!"

Nothing that man can say

will alter my new perception of him,

that he is fundamentally thick

as pig sh*t.

That's how easy it is

to ruin your perception.

And yet, some people seal a reputation.

They seal a reputation not just for life,

but for long after they've died.

If I asked you to name me

two famous lovers,

who would you say?

-[audience shouting]

-Bonnie and Clyde.

Great opener. Thank you. Any more?

Romeo and Juliet? Yeah, of course.

Posh and Becks I had last night.

I'll take it.

The one I thought of was Richard Burton

and Elizabeth Taylor.

They were married to each other

three different times.

And Burton allegedly said this about her,

and I loveit.

Look at this quote.

"I might run from her

for a thousand years

and she is still my baby child.

Our love is so furious

that we burn each other out."

Imagine.

Imagine feeling that passionate

about anyone.

I read it and I began to...

I thought, "I wonder if...

there are any of my ex's out there...

might be feeling that sort of passion

about me."

It's unlikely to be the girl

I went out with for the longest.

I went out with someone for ten years,

and on our first date,

I pissed the bed.

And I tried to blame her.

That is true.

It panicked me.

I thought, "Am I leaving any legacy

of passion behind me?

Will anyone think...?"

So I started going back

through people I've dated,

and then, I was in Bristol.

-Anyone from Bristol here?

-[scattered shouting]

Well done.

Well done for dressing yourselves.

I was walking through Bristol,

and I heard that accent.

[mumbles] What are we doing?

Going down the shops, are we?

And it reminds me. I remember something.

And it was a date.

I thought, "This is the passionate story

I can tell everyone.

It was a date that I got set up on.

My friend was going out with someone,

and he invited me to meet her.

They were gonna have a dinner party

for me. Lovely.

And when I got there,

they'd invitedher sister along as well.

And I thought. "No, this is a set up."

I hate it. I hate being set up.

But she was really sweet.

She was really pretty.

I thought, "Why not?"

I was chatting to her over dinner.

She had a very light Bristol accent.

"How long are you down for, then, Greg?

Just the weekend?

You gonna make a weekend of it,

are you?

That's nice."

I thought, "She seems sweet."

And then...

she started to drink...

very heavily.

She was necking glasses of wine,

like... [chugging]

And her accent started to get a bit...

"Are we having a nice time now?"

I thought, "You've changed."

I carried on making polite chat,

and I went, "What do you do?"

She goes, "I work in a shop, don't I?"

[chugs]

I went, "All right."

She said, "That's not all I do."

I went, "No?"

She goes, "No, on the weekends...

I'm a hammer thrower."

I went, "You're not a hammer thrower."

They went, "No, she is a hammer thrower.

She's really excellent."

I went, "Right!"

As I was looking at them,

she grabbed my hand...

Bam! She put it on her thigh.

F*** me. It was like a tree trunk.

And I went, "Oh." And I looked at her,

and she was waiting for my gaze.

And she went, "Yeah.

Now you believe I'm a hammer thrower,

don't you?"

And I thought, "Oh.

Oh, I'm frightened of you...

because you've changed."

And I could see in her eyes,

obviously riddled with cataracts,

that she fancied a bounce on this.

So I started to panic.

The fear went through the roof

when she went to the toilet,

'cause that girl has walked in

perfectly normally,

but now, it was like watching

a f***ing silverback.

She was like... [grunts]

I turned to my friend.

"I know what's going on here.

You're setting me up with this girl.

Well, I'm not interested.

They went, "She's harmless."

I said, "She's not harmless.

She could take a f***ing buffalo down."

From the toilet... [grunts]

"That's it.

All finished, then. All shaken off."

At one point,

I was chatting in the kitchen,

and she ran past the hallway.

I think she was just showing off. [grunts]

And she ran into a room,

and we heard, "Smash!"

There had been a full length mirror

against the wall.

She ran in. She hit it...

She horribly cut her hands open,

and she was spraying blood round the room.

[shouts] "I'm hurt."

I went, "Oh, my God!

We've got to getto the hospital."

They went, "She's always doing

things like this when she's drunk."

And my friend got some toilet roll,

and he just filled her hands...

until she had two...

horrible, bloody...

soggy cricket balls of gore in her hand.

Then he got some Sellotape...

and just wrapped them, like this.

until she had two transparent,

blooded stumps.

I thought, "That's gonna slow her down

at least."

No, it f***ing didn't.

If anything, the lobster claws

made her more determined.

[shouts]

[shouts]

Those two a**holes went to bed,

leaving me on my own

with old f***ing lobster claws.

I go, "That's it. I'm running away."

I went to the front door.

I was just gonna run into the fields.

I opened the front door.

It was snowing.

It was chucking. It was a snowstorm.

And I went, "Ah, f***!"

And then, behind me...

I heard the footsteps.

"Oh, my God."

"What?"

"It's snowing!"

And she ran into the snow.

And I watched her disappear.

And I thought, "Yeah...

I think she may bleed to death tonight.

And I think I'm going to let her."

Then I felt guilty and I followed her out.

It was easy to find her.I followed

the trail of blood in the snow.

It's like a scene from Fargo.

When I got there, it was quite sweet,

she was playing in the snow.

I went, "Please, come in."

She went... [grunts]

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