Grindhouse Page #3

the girls' drinks,

in fairly rapid order, but not obvious,

we order two more rounds of shots.

You think they're gonna fall for that?

We'll be very convincing.

Now it's time to turn up the volume.

No more f***ing around.

We go to Jger shots.

Man, they're not gonna drink Jger shots.

Dude, as long as

a guy's buying the booze,

a f***ing b*tch

will drink anything.

Come on, dude, we can

at least get one shot of Jger

down these

f***ing b*tches' throats.

After that, we'll see if they get

another Jger shot in them.

You never know.

That could be the shot

that puts them past the point of "f*** it."

Then all of a sudden

"no guys at the lake house"

turns into a couple of guys

at the lake house.

My point exactly.

And I know I can at least get

"Shanna Suck-my-banana"

to do a f***ing Buttery Nipple shot.

What's Julia's sweet shot?

- Key Lime Pie.

- Oh, come on, dude.

Even f***ing Leroy Brown

would do one more for dessert.

Dude, check it out.

I wonder if B.J.

brought the bear with him.

Jesus.

Dude f***ing cut himself

falling out of his time machine.

Hi, could I get a chicken suit

for Stroker Ace, please?

# See the hole

I shot in his head #

# The high sheriff

told the deputy #

# Get your pistols

and come with me #

# We got to go arrest

a bad man #

# Known as Staggolee... #

# They laid them on the shelf

# If you want

that bad man Staggolee #

# You 'll have to arrest him yourself

# The high sheriff

asked the bartender... #

And where did you two disappear to?

I had to get something

out of the car,

and Nate was gentlemanly enough

to escort me with his umbrella.

Ah, good for you, Nate.

You see that pretty girl

sitting by herself at the bar?

Who, the dirty hippie?

Meow. She's not a hippie.

She might as well be a hippie.

Thank you, Timmy boy.

Well, do you know

what just happened to her?

No, but I know she's

a skinny, fake, blonde b*tch.

Oh, I'm sorry.

You were telling a story?

What about her?

Hey, Warren!

Is there anybody you could

vouch for to give me a ride home?

Fair lady, your chariot awaits.

You 've been eavesdropping?

There's eavesdropping

and "can't help but hear."

I think I belong

in the latter category.

So, uh, Icy Hot.

You 're offering me a ride home?

I'm offering you a lift if when

I'm ready to leave, you are, too.

And when are you

thinking about leaving?

Truthfully,

I'm not thinking about it.

But when I do,

you will be the first to know.

Will you be able

to, uh, drive later?

I know looks can be deceiving.

But I'm a teetotaler.

I've been drinking

club soda and lime all night,

and now I'm building up

to my big drink.

- Which is what?

- Virgin pia colada.

Okay. Why would

someone who doesn't drink

spend hours at a bar drinking water?

You know, a bar offers

all kind of things other than alcohol.

Mmm. Really?

Like what?

Women.

Nacho grande platters.

The fellowship

of some fascinating individuals,

like Warren here.

Alcohol is just a lubricant

for all the individual

encounters that a barroom offers.

Ooh. Is that cowboy wisdom?

I'm not a cowboy, Pam.

I'm a stuntman.

But that's a very

easy mistake to make.

How do you know my name?

When you were talking with Warren...

couldn't help but overhear.

Fair enough.

So what's your name, Icy?

Stuntman Mike.

Stuntman Mike's your name?

Tsk. You ask anybody.

Hey, Warren.

Who is this guy?

Stuntman Mike.

And who the hell

is Stuntman Mike?

He's a stuntman.

Warren! Six shots of Wild Turkey!

# I' ve just got to know #

# Should I go leave #

# And find somebody else #

# You know I stood yesterday #

Yeah!

##

Yeah!

Let's do 'em!

Salud.

Down the snatch.

You know, Pam,

I think it's time for my big drink.

Well, Stuntman Mike,

since I have a tab here,

can I buy you that

virgin pia colada?

Thank you, Pam.

That'd be lovely.

Warren!

A, uh, virgin pia colada

for my stuntman friend

and I'll have another

Cadillac Cabo Wabo margarita.

Cabo Wabo, virgin.

##

# People. I' ve been misled #

# And I' ve been afraid #

# I' ve been hit in the head #

# And left for days #

# I' ve been abused #

# And I' ve been accused #

# I' ve been refused #

# A piece of bread... #

- Ah!

- Hey, if it ain't Lanna-Frank.

Mwah.

- Hey, baby.

- How are you?

- # In my life before #

- Hey, what's up?

Hey!

Hey, what's shakin', bacon?

Hey.

# Go wrong as I do today #

- # I want you to stop... #

- Well, let's scootch over, now.

It's about f***ing time.

Well, beggars can't be choosers.

Take a picture.

It lasts longer.

What?

That table.

Seems to keep,

um, getting your attention.

Is that the girl

from the billboard outside?

Yep.

She sure is a striking-looking woman.

It's got gin, tequila, Jger...

Look at that hair.

Lots of leave-in conditioner.

Is that jealousy I detect?

Hardly. But if you want

to get with, uh, Jungle Julia,

there's a real easy way to do that.

Really, what would that be?

Get famous. You won't have

to find her... she'll find you.

And you don't even want to know

what she did for that billboard.

Enjoy it, cocksucker.

You 've earned it.

What did she ever do to you?

We went to school together

from kindergarten through high school.

That's what she did to me.

She was her height right now at 12.

She was a monster.

Half the guys she still fucks

she used to terrorize in the fifth grade.

And she used to beat you up

and take your chocolate milk, huh?

That pituitary case?

Might have kicked my ass

a couple of times...

sorry, I'm built like a girl,

not a black man...

but I'd die before I ever gave

Julia Lucai my chocolate milk.

Hey! Are you

famous or somethin'?

Or somethin'.

No, no, no. Really.

Hey, what do... what do you do?

Really?

What I do is work my ass off to get

my own record label off the ground,

but why that girl wanted a picture of me

is because I'm a local D.J.

Wait a minute.

You 've got a billboard

by Big Kahuna Burger, don't you?

Yeah.

I got one there, too, Zatoichi.

Yeah.

Jungle Julia Lucai.

Stuntman Mike McKay.

Well.

Good to meet you, Stuntman Mike.

My friends and I are going

to continue to get our weed on.

Would you care for some?

Thank you, Julia,

but just the same...

no thanks.

- Suit yourself.

- But you know...

Oh, sh*t.

Ah! My God.

Sorry. It's nothing.

What the f*** was that?

You got some voucher here.

I asked him

what movies you worked on.

No f***in' clue.

Well, technically I really don't know

if he's ever done anything for sure.

I mean, he shows me

an episode of High Chaparral.

a guy falls off a horse,

he says it's him.

You know the show The Virginian?

Yeah, well, there was another

actor on that show, Gary Clarke,

and I looked like him a bit...

well, obviously

before I cut myself shaving.

Tsk. Aww, I like it.

Well, damn, if you ain't so sweet

you make sugar taste just like salt.

Anyway, I did a lot of Virginians

doubling Gary Clarke.

And, uh... then that show turned

into The Men of Shiloh.

they brought on Lee Majors,

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