Growing Up and Other Lies

Are you guys ready for this?

Yes, yes.

Here it comes!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

- Oh my God! That's so weird.

- Oh!

Oh!

Wow. Why don't we

hang out more often?

I told you he can still do it.

I told you. All right.

Yes, you can vomit without

finger penetration.

You're a freak of nature.

Thank you. You must be

so proud of yourself.

You say that like

it's no big deal.

Oh, you must be so... That's

not easy to do by the way.

That actually burned more than

I thought it would.

- That was amazing.

- Yeah.

Ah!

Here he is.

Rocks!

It's a time

warp BILLY:
Yeah!

Hey, we can let go, we don't...

- How are you doing?

- Oh, God.

Look at this we're getting the

band back together. This is weird.

This is weird, but us.

Holy sh*t, all right!

Welcome to my final

day in New York City.

So, if you'll just

follow me, it begins.

- Here we go.

- All right.

Hey!

All right.

Yes. Yeah.

Did you burn your legs out?

Whoo! Let's go

guys! Yeah!

Hey, what'd you think about

to make yourself throw up?

Uh, the future.

Oh!

Are you gonna tell him?

Tell me what?

It sucks. Maybe

I'll just bail.

Bail? Bail on

what, Billy?

You don't think I should?

You don't think I should? Guys, what

the hell are you talking about?

You don't wanna go

to work, don't go to work.

Whoa! Work?

You're kid...

Today? You shitting me?

I have to go.

Come on. No, no, no.

Look, like, yesterday, my

partner cornered me at the...

At the firm and he said because

we have this... Not today.

It's just gonna be

like, for an hour.

All right. Ready?

Hold on. Hold on.

Three, two, one, go. Go!

Oh! Not even close.

Not even close.

Oh!

I wasn't looking.

Did you see?

I'm sorry, ladies, are you

missing a little boy?

Okay... Is this

little boy yours?

Okay.

He's not yours?

He's just following us. We

don't know whose he is.

I have to pee.

Oh, God I have to pee.

Could be a different city.

Correct. Yeah.

So, even if you're clothed when

you have an erection Exactly.

Yes.

That's out and greasy.

Okay.

Up to two is this?

All right. All right.

Time to start drinking.

Wanna make a toast.

260 blocks, the entire

length of Manhattan,

my final day in the city, so...

To one last great adventure.

Okay, just real quick.

Does it have to be last?

How about another?

Sure.

You got it.

Really? Wait a second, you

know what, how about...

It's his toast.

Let him have his toast.

Another in the long series of...

All right, fine. In a

long series of adventure.

Maybe just...

How about one?

To coming and semen.

You got it.

I like it.

I'll drink to that. To

coming and semen. Yeah.

And all the joy they provide.

Yeah? Yeah.

Oh wow!

Did you hold up?

It's like, it's like giving

head to a fine gentleman.

- Give me that.

- All right.

Ah!

Careful.

Okay.

All right.

We gotta get moving, guys,

this island's not gonna walk itself.

260 blocks.

All right, now is

as good a time as any.

- A robber walks into your house.

- Oh.

That's what I'm talking about.

Robber walks into your house,

he puts a gun to your head,

says, Sophie's Choice, you gotta pick

one or I'll shoot you in the face.

All right.

Option one is...

This is just occurring to

me, but why is he a robber?

Uh, you meet the love of your life...

I mean, what's he robbing?

You of your time. This woman is perfect.

She's like.

An 11 out of 10.

All right. She got this incredible

body and the sex is great.

Intelligent. Is that

intelligent sex?

Don't worry about it,

you're never gonna have it.

I'm gonna go on. All right, so

time comes in the relationship,

about six months in...

Where it's time to

meet her family, okay?

So you all decide to go away

to a little county house,

just you and her and her folks,

for about two weeks.

But you all share one bathroom.

That's important.

All right, now

for the entire time you're there,

remember, two weeks, long time.

Every time you have

to take a sh*t,

you do it...

You have to take

a sh*t in the bathtub.

All right, okay.

Boom!

Okay, all right, wait I'll tell you

what I'd do. I would just hold it in.

You can't.

You can't hold it in.

Why not.

Firstly, it's impossible.

Secondly, it's

against the rules.

And thirdly after you leave

that dookie in the bathtub,

you have to deny it forever.

You can never say that it was you.

Wow.

Is this a museum?

Well, that ends the

relationship, so fine.

Not necessarily, I mean, remember,

this is like, the perfect woman,

so she might forgive you

Got it. Sh*t down the drain.

Sh*t down the drain.

Geez, Billy.

What? I'm just trying to understand

the parameters of the scenario.

What's option number two?

Uh, right.

Option two.

Okay, so...

For the next year,

starting tomorrow,

everywhere you go, you,

and only you are responsible

for taking two cars.

So, the logistics...

Uh, so think about it.

If you need to go to work,

then you need to drive there,

then you have to somehow get

back, walk or cab or something.

And then you have to take

another car, then you're there.

Can you...

No, you can't walk.

Can... And no you can't

take the subway.

Okay? You can't tow the car. You

can't get a ride. Nothing like that.

Okay.

Uh...

What kind of gas

mileage do these get?

What is the matter with you?

How do you clothe and

feed yourself seriously?

How are you such an a**hole?

Practice.

Okay.

Yeah? All right. I,

okay option two is

take two cars and...

Option one is fortnight of

in-law bathtub shitting.

Yeah. Okay.

Not even a question.

I'm gonna go option two.

Uh.

Take the two cars...

Why is that not a question?

'Cause I can't even imagine

what Emma's parents would do.

I don't even wanna see it. Yeah.

If I was to sh*t

in their bathtub.

It's true and she shouldn't forgive you.

Nightmare.

No.

Shouldn't...

Where is your sense of romance?

I mean this is the love of

your life we're talking about.

Yeah but the love of your

life should leave you

if you defecate in the bathtub.

You're... Don't knock

freestyle defecation, man.

Okay, so that's

what you would do.

You're a bathtub, bathtub kinda guy?

I'm not knocking it

I just wanna be honest about it.

I'm just... I'm not You

don't have to lie about it

playing this game

I find it childish and silly.

Classic Gunderson.

Do they have museums in Ohio?

Oh f***.

F*** you.

You couldn't help yourself.

No, do you...

This is a dumb question.

Is that a serious question?

What museums are in Ohio?

- Uh, the...

- Excuse me.

Sorry.

We'll be quiet.

Yeah.

What is wrong with you?

Who? Which one?

Don't put your bare feet

on the bench up like that.

Come on.

She's right.

Put it down.

Sorry. Sorry.

People actually have

to sit there after you.

I got it.

Put your feet down.

I gotta put my socks on.

It's disgusting.

Okay. You've been moving around

and sitting there like

a child for 10 minutes.

You're just incredibly rude.

Okay, that's called

cognitive dissonance.

Yeah. Ding ding.

I said, excuse me.

Yeah, okay.

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