Grudge Match

1

Hello again, everybody,

I'm Jim Lampley.

Certain athletes are born enemies:

Bird and Magic. Ali and Frazier.

Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding.

But the fiercest rivalry was between

two fighters from Pittsburgh...

...with the names Razor and Kid.

The fight of the year!

Both men exhausted.

1982, Pittsburgh.

Razor and Kid, both undefeated

top-ranked contenders...

...divide the city in

a spectacular war.

Now Kid's smelling

blood, punishing Razor...

...with a relentless fury.

And down goes Razor.

Down goes Razor.

Down goes Razor.

The brutal 15-round bout...

...is still considered one of

the greatest fights of the '80s.

Kid and Razor quickly rose

to superstardom.

And the man behind their meteoric ascent

was the late fight impresario, Dante Slate.

My dad was king of the ring

and bringer of the bling.

And that makes me royalty,

blessed with all his powers.

Really good, Dante, but don't

look into the camera. Just look at me.

I don't know. It's better when

I'm connecting with people.

- Yeah, I don't think...

- What's up, people?

As the world

clamored for a rematch...

...Slate knew that ratings would turn

to dollar signs for both fighters.

What a turn of events!

Unbelievable!

The rematch drew

the biggest audience...

...since the Thrilla in Manila

nine years earlier.

Kid goes down!

But this time,

the story was different.

Razor soundly defeated Kid in a lopsided

victory that was over in four rounds.

What lay ahead was the grudge match that

would've brought each fighter millions.

Then came an announcement

that shocked the world.

Today, I'm announcing my retirement

from professional boxing.

The man's a coward.

I'm gonna get my rematch.

You hear me, Razor?

I'm getting my ing rematch!

Sharp has declined to comment further

on his decision to this very day.

And sadly, like many

former professional athletes...

...he lost his fortune just years

after his retirement.

Razor went back to Benson

Shipbuilders in 1987...

...where he had worked

before he went pro.

As the spotlight faded, Kid became a pitchman

for everything from Jockey to jock itch.

Today, he runs a successful car dealership

and a popular restaurant in Pittsburgh.

Hey!

Still, one can almost

imagine him tonight...

...on the 30th anniversary

of the fight that never was...

...contemplating yet another year

of growing older...

...obsessed with a fight

that never happened...

...and never will.

And just for the record,

I never had jock itch.

I'm just a great actor.

Hey, champ. How's it going?

Don't call me "champ."

Come on. I got your "champ."

Ha-ha-ha!

A little early to start drinking.

You still got it!

I got nothing!

Guys. All right, yeah.

- Walter.

- Hey.

- What the hell is happening?

- You didn't see yourself on TV?

I don't have a TV.

Bad for the brain.

There was this thing on

about you and Kid.

Oh, who cares about that?

Man, come on, like...

Why'd you drop out? Seriously.

- You really wanna know?

- Yeah.

Never told anybody this...

...but, deep inside...

...I wanna dance.

- I wanna dance. The Bristol Stomp.

- Ha-ha-ha.

- The Ching-a-Ling. Pony.

- Stop, you really need to get a TV.

You don't know a good thing

when you see it.

- What's it like?

- It's strong, but it goes down easy.

No, but seriously. Did you know that

Razor Sharp was ambidextrous?

No, I hadn't heard that.

Yeah, you can knock him out

with either hand.

Kind of like how you went down

over and over in that last fight.

- Ooh.

- Got a comedian in the house.

Sir, why do you have to be so rude

to me in my own place?

Easy, Kid, that's a

lady you're talking to.

Are you sure, Joey, because this guy's

got a real set of balls on him.

Hey, a**hole. It's been 30 years since

those fights. Your sh*t's getting boring.

Look, I wasn't prepared for that fight.

I was arrogant. I was overconfident.

I just didn't train enough.

Unless you call having sexual intercourse

16 times a week adequate training.

But don't worry, honey,

you would've been safe.

Ooh!

Aha! We got a good

audience tonight.

- Mr. Conlon, come on. Let me in, man.

No, go away!

Hey, what's going on?

What's the problem?

He barricaded himself in with his

scooter. Second time this week.

Second time? Sorry, Nora.

Lightning, it's me.

What's the problem?

That degenerate out there!

He replaced my girl, Maria!

Hey, don't say that. You don't even

know the guy. He looks like a nice guy.

No! Maria gives me the sponge bath!

Not this guy. His hands are

like 80 grit sandpaper.

And he's throwing himself into it

too much, if you know what I mean.

Christ, I've never been so clean

in my entire life.

- Hey, I'm just doing my job.

- I know.

Yeah, that's what my

scoutmaster said.

Mr. Sharp, we've

had this conversation before.

I appreciate it, but he's just going

through a bad time. He'll get over it.

He's gonna have to start looking

for another facility.

- Okay. No problem.

- Sorry.

Wait, wait, wait.

Let me back up. Wait!

What kind of man knowingly takes a job

where he's gotta wash another man's balls?

He's a hero as far as I'm

concerned, pal. Heh.

You watch that TV show last night?

Yeah, I heard.

- Listen, uh, your thing. Turn it down.

- What?

Oh, the hearing aid.

Goddamn thing drives me crazy.

- Feel like RZ-freaking-DZ.

- Heh.

Well, I'm still steamed up

over that show last night.

- You could've beaten that punk.

- Save your breath.

That book is closed. Why does

everybody wanna open that book?

Just forget about it. Let it go.

Sleeping dogs and all that.

They told me about the new meds.

You try them?

They say they'll add a couple of years to

your life. Maybe you'll reach, heh, 1000?

What difference does it make? I can't

afford them and you're not paying.

You done enough already.

Hey. No, no. It's all right. I'll

take care of it. Don't worry.

You're the only one

that's never screwed me over.

That's gotta count for something.

Don't change the subject. I'm still

very, very pissed off at you.

Pissed off at me? The fight was

30 years ago. You gotta let it go.

Man, we had so much on the table.

Why did you walk away?

We could be sitting in hot tubs

now with big-ass blonds.

Heh, heh. Yeah. You can't swim.

You would've drowned.

On that note, I'll leave you

with the blonds you'll never have.

Tell Mr. Sandpaper Hands

I want my two sleeping pills.

- It's 10 in the morning.

- Then I want four.

I wanna be dreaming of all them

hookers that you deprived me of.

Hey!

Hey, you can't park here.

Take it easy, man.

I'm the Ghost of Christmas Present.

Really?

Oh, come on, Razor. Razor.

It's Dante Jr. Don't act like I didn't

grow up to be a fine looking man.

Right. Too bad your father

didn't show up...

...so I can belt him for taking

what was left of my purses.

Dad passed away last year.

If you didn't see him dead,

I wouldn't trust that.

I did.

Now you make me feel a little bad.

- Wanna come in or something?

- I would love to come in, Razor.

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