Grudge Match Page #2

You look good. Hey, should I roll

my window up? Is this a good area?

Tuna fish, some overripe bananas

that you probably bought on sale.

You shop like my grandmom.

Bananas are a good source of potassium

and I had double coupons for the fish.

That's not fish. Fish is like a sushi.

That's a step above cat food, Razor.

It's dolphin safe and I don't sweat the

extra nickel because it's the right thing.

Not my business. Your house, sorry.

What is this?

It's like a mouse or something?

- What is that?

- A dog.

- A dog?

- It's a dog.

- So why you here, Junior?

- Why am I here?

You know what this is, Razor?

A bad movie?

- It's a video game.

- Right.

When did they unfreeze you,

Captain America?

"Captain America"? You know, I'd

like to take you down a peg...

...but it looks like

somebody beat me to it.

A height joke.

That was good. That's original.

Height ain't nothing but a number.

See, in Thailand, I'm in the 95th

percentile. I'm okay over there.

So, what you say can't hurt

my feelings. Let's talk turkey.

The guys that made this game

saw your HBO special.

They loved it. I loved it.

Did I tell you? I really did.

Anyway, they wanna put

you and Kid in the game.

Okay? Before you say

anything, hear me out.

All they do is videotape you throwing a

couple punches, record you making noises.

Unh! Unh! Ugh! I'm gonna kill you.

Except in a white guy's voice.

They don't wanna scare anybody.

- That's how simple this is.

- It ain't that simple.

- I can't be in the same room as that guy.

- Okay, okay. Now listen. Slow down.

That's the case, I'll bring

you in on separate days.

You're talking less than

an hour for 10 grand.

Ten grand, man. Easy.

No. Not worth it.

The hell you mean, it ain't worth it?

I'm looking at your house!

No. You're obviously doing well...

...with all this F-you mouse

sculpture making money you got.

It's a dog and I don't

do it for money.

Tell you what, you wanna

play hardball? Twelve Gs.

Twelve Gs. I pulled it out my ass.

Twelve Gs.

I'll get 12 Gs, you

knickknack-making son of a b*tch.

I don't like the way you

looking at me, as if...

Stubborn piece of sh*t.

You were right to rip him off,

Daddy. You should've.

Come here with a perfectly damn good deal,

you gonna throw it back in my face?

Like I'm crazy? Okay. That's fine.

Piece of sh*t!

Damn it!

I'll do it for 15.

But I don't wanna see him.

Done and done. That is done.

Ha, ha.

Hey, Raze, real quick.

Do you got any jumper cables?

You think you can give me a jump?

No.

Okay, it's fine.

I'll figure it out.

You've made the right decision.

It's gonna be great.

Thank you, Raze!

He said yes! Whoo!

Excuse me!

Come on! It's like ripping off a Band-Aid.

Just come in here and get it over with.

This is stupid. What is this mess?

"This mess" is the future.

Now, come on, Razor. I don't got

time to be playing with you all day.

You got male camel toe.

You look like Buzz Lightyear.

"To infinity and beyond!" Stop it.

I'm playing. Come on, man.

- I'm not doing this.

- What you talking about? You look great.

- I wish I could put you in a martini glass.

- I've never been this uncomfortable.

Will you relax? It's gonna take you a

few minutes. How bad could it be?

And fix your crotch, man.

- We're ready.

- We're good, Raze. Let's go.

- Looks good, huh?

- Money time, baby.

Looks good. Okay, Razor. Let's throw

some jabs at Wilbur the dummy.

- We're recording your punch form.

- Okay.

One, two. One, two.

Okay. Can you put a

little oomph into it?

Heh. This is stupid.

Let's try, okay?

Act like the dummy is real

and the dummy's hitting back.

Imagine that somebody just sold you a

overpriced can of tuna. There you go.

Come on, Razor! Imagine it's Kid.

- That's good.

- Huh? Damn right, it's good.

Hey, I hope I don't look

like that big of an a**hole.

- You set me up?

- Nobody set anybody up, Razor.

What'd I tell you?

I told you to come in 1:00.

I came early.

I wanted to see my old friend. He's

been ducking me 30 years. I missed him.

It don't look like you're missing

any meals. I'm out of here.

No, you're not. Not till you admit that

you quit because you were scared of me.

- Why do you talk like that?

- What do you mean?

- Just admit it. It's true.

- You know what?

I'm getting out of here,

and I'm asking nice.

- Or what?

- Just get out of the way.

Listen. Those punches might get these nerds

all hot under the pants, but you know what?

They're the same half-assed punches you

threw 30 years ago when you ran from me.

- Move, or I'm moving you.

- Try and move me. Go ahead.

You know, maybe you're right. I might

pop a disc, you're just so fat.

What weight class you

fighting at now, LAP-BAND?

- I can still take you.

- Maybe to the prom if you ask nice.

- Pushing your luck now.

- Hey! Hey!

I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry. I did it to you, all right?

- You're just sorry?

You're a lucky guy.

No, no. No! No, man!

What are you doing?

- No, no. Razor!

- What you doing with that?

- Stop! Stop it!

- Oh, man.

What are you doing?

Stop it. Don't do that!

I would have beat you!

You done lost your mind?

Come on, come on, come on.

Come on. Come on.

What are you doing?

Guys, this is...

It's not the behavior of old men!

Yo, guys, you gotta see this.

Come here.

Check this out.

And the number one play of the week.

Check out this clip of two former

Light Heavyweight Champs...

...that is blowing up online.

In fact, Razor Sharp and Kid McDonnen's

brawl has gotten so popular...

...it's gone animated.

Come on, come on.

Unh! You're a lucky guy.

You two some kind of superheroes?

Yeah, I'm the Green Champion

and he's the Emerald SuperPussy.

Yeah, must be tough for you, huh?

SuperPussy?

SuperPussy.

You can't run or hide anymore, can you?

And you can't ignore me anymore.

Huh? You can't ignore me.

Can't ignore me.

Will one of you hurry up

and rape this guy, already?

Yo, Sharp, McDonnen.

You made bail.

Soon as we get out of these cops'

eyelines, I'm gonna punch you again.

Tell me so I know when to say "Ow."

Ladies! My God, please don't embarrass

yourselves any further out here.

Come look at this.

Look at this video.

- What's this?

- It's going viral.

It's got over,

like, a million views right now.

You don't know what I mean

by "going viral."

Razor, you know what YouTube is?

Neither one of you know what "viral" means?

What type of two out-of-touch, old...

- Hey.

- Hey.

Sorry. No, no. Uncalled-for.

Forget it.

- Look, it's a video of your fight.

- That's me? Hey, that's me.

- They say the camera adds 10 pounds.

- What's your excuse for the other 20?

Do me a favor? Save the verbal

jousting for a more important time.

I'm about to lay

something huge on you.

I got a company that wants the rematch.

December 15th, Palace Theatre.

- They want to pay each of us 75 grand.

- Each of us?

I meant each of you. They're

gonna pay you 100 grand.

You just said 75.

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