Grumpy Old Men

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Mr. Gustafson!

I have to talk to you!

Mr. Gustafson, will you answer

the door, please?!

I know you're in there!

It's no use pretending this isn't

happening, Mr. Gustafson!

I can't keep coming...

...back here every couple of days!

You have to talk to me!

Mr. Gustafson, I'm just trying

to help you!

Come on and open the door!

I'll just keep knocking!

I'll come back, so you might

as well answer the door!

I know you're in there!

Think of the neighbors,

Mr. Gustafson!

There's a letter for you,

Mr. Gustafson!

I suggest you read it!

-Morning, d*ckhead.

-Hello, moron.

What are you...?

Never mind. Just forget it.

Who's the guy yakking?

Mind your own business.

Mind your own business. Tie your shoe.

You'll fall on your stupid head.

Shut up!

We're having a heat wave.

"We're having a heat wave

A tropical heat wave"

Somebody moving into

the old Clickner place.

-You picked up on that, Sherlock.

-Excuse me!

I wonder if you could tell me...

...where I could find Mr. Gustafson?

Gustafson? Sorry.

-Mr. John Gustafson?

-That's right.

You mean the low-life, ass-wipe,

egg-sucker John Gustafson?

Have you seen him?

That man's crazy. Loco.

Always hanging around

those kinky strip bars...

...where men take their clothes off.

If he's taken his medication.

Medication?

Without it, he could be anywhere.

Wandering around talking to trees.

Believe me, he's a menace.

Always drinking, fighting. Am I right?

But have you seen him?

Sorry.

I think, perhaps....

If you see him...

...give him this and

tell him to contact...

...Mr. Snyder immediately.

Schneider?

Snyder.

That's me.

It's important.

Important? We'll tell him...

...when we see him.

Watch out for that ice.

Very slippery.

Right.

Holy moly!

Jesus!

A men's strip joint?

Idiot.

Thirty days.

This is great.

You should have seen Mrs. Carlson's

face when he said "It's a keeper."

Oh, cold enough for you?

Shut up, fat-ass!

It's not yet Thanksgiving and we're

enjoying our lovely fall weather.

Six inches of snow...

...with travelers' advisories

in our area tonight.

You'd be advised to stay inside

and have yourself a warm...

...home-cooked meal.

Here's what's coming up this week.

It's snow, snow, and more snow.

We've got snow coming into

our area all week long.

Sunday afternoon, another cold front...

...will move into our area,

and you know what that means.

What the hell?!

Holy...moly!

Oh, my God!

You're still using that beat-up

piece of firewood?

The Green Hornet's caught more fish

than you've lied about, Gustafson.

You see her?

Drives pretty fast on that snowmobile.

Pretty damn fast.

Did you hear about Eddie Hicks?

Hypothermia's a b*tch.

Not quick like a stroke.

A stroke is no good.

You could end up like a vegetable.

Give me a cardiac any day.

You know what Jacob said?

Jacob said that Billy Hinshel

was killed in a car crash.

Head-on collision with a truck.

Cleared his car straight over the bridge

into the Mississippi.

Lucky bastard.

You bet.

How is he anyway?

He's dead!

Died on impact!

Jacob...

...moron. Jacob!

Oh, he's fine.

Doing real good. Busy.

He promised to come for Thanksgiving.

Is he really running for mayor?

Make a damn fine mayor, too.

It's good he looks like his mother

or he'd never get on the ballot.

Eat my shorts.

Hello, Mrs. Truax.

Holy moly!

Jesus Quincy Adams.

I hit the cans again.

I heard.

How is the Grinch today?

Ain't got a pot to piss in

or a window to throw it out of.

Can I get you something?

A six-pack of Schmidt and some bait.

Shiners or wax worms?

I can't afford shiners, get me worms.

The worms are 75 cents.

Chuck, we're talking about

worms not caviar.

You go through that every time.

Where are you going to get worms this

time of year? It's supply and demand.

You could retire from selling me worms.

Throw the beef jerky in too.

Five dollars for the beer

and the worms.

Your old gut can't handle jerky.

Goddamn!

Is Pop out there at the shanty?

Always.

And the moron?

Lots of ice out there, Gustafson.

Should be room enough for both of you.

Lots of ice out there, Gustafson.

Hi, Dad!

Any luck today?

How the hell should I know?

I just got here.

Mel, she came by the other day and...

...said you'd been snapping.

Like a catfish.

I've had a lot on my mind lately.

I'll tell you what's on my mind.

It's butt-cold out here

and I'm fresh out of beer.

Someone moved into the Clickner place.

A woman.

A woman?

Did you mount her?

Oh, Dad!

Does she have big thighs?

Then what's the problem?

If I was a young fellow like you,

I'd be mounting...

...every woman in Wabasha.

Keep the change.

Hi, Punky.

Hi, John!

The Green Hornet strikes again!

Caught my limit!

You only snagged one.

Two fish are on there, you bonehead.

I throw back what I'm not going to eat.

Yeah, like that 40-pound muskie

you're always yakking about.

It's a shame nobody ever sees you

with these monsters.

You'll love it, Goldman.

Go to work.

What is it?

Oh, my God, they've come for me.

Oh, my God! I....

You see, I was....

Excuse me, but I saw your light on

and I was wondering...

...if I might use your bathroom.

What?

Your toilet is broken?

No, thank goodness.

I don't know, the house seemed so empty

tonight. I do so love bathrooms.

You can tell a lot about a person

from his bathroom.

I didn't know that.

There it is. I can't wait

to see what's in there.

-Wait a minute.

-Much better than palm-reading.

Give me 30 seconds

in a person's bathroom...

...and I'll give you a complete

and accurate profile.

There's a guest bathroom.

Only be a minute.

So?

Fascinating.

Shouldn't you introduce yourself?

John Gustafson, right?

I took some of your mail yesterday

to find out who you were.

But you don't get much and...

...it doesn't paint a picture.

Taking mail is a federal offense.

I know.

Sometimes you must go a long distance

out of the way in order to...

...return a short distance correctly.

Don't you find that?

I love that line.

It's not mine. It's from

"The Zoo Story" by Edward Albee.

I teach American literature at

Winona State University.

I started yesterday.

Oh, I love the classics, don't you?

Well, I also read "Field and Stream."

Indeed?

You have a whole library

up there from what I saw.

There's something really rugged

and virile about the outdoors.

My manners! I'm sorry.

I'm Ariel Truax.

How do you do? I'm John Gustafson.

Yes, I know.

When did you move into the Clickner's?

I'm sure you know that.

Since I got here you and Max Goldman...

...have been against the windows

watching me like two Garfield cats.

Like people stick to their car windows.

The little suction cups they have....

Squirrels.

Been watching squirrels. One's been

making a nest under your eaves.

Sure, John.

Here's your mail.

There's nothing addressed

to a Mrs. Gustafson.

By the state of your bathroom

I presume you're a bachelor.

Gay or straight?

Heterosexual or homosexual?

Jeez Louise....

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