Grumpy Old Men Page #2

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It's a legitimate question.

Maybe in California

but not here in Minnesota.

Have I upset you?

It's the middle of the night

and I don't know what--

Do you want me to leave?

No...yes.

It was very nice meeting you,

John Gustafson.

And now that we know each other,

don't be a stranger.

Oh, and John...

...king's rook to queen's bishop three.

Don't ring that up yet.

I need something for my lumbago.

It's killing me.

It's killing you my ass. He wouldn't

know the meaning of the word "pain".

I got a pinched sciatica make

your lumbago look like eyestrain.

Pain. He wants to talk about pain.

I had a gallstone big as a baseball.

Gallstones are for pussies.

When I had shingles did you see me

complain to Phil?

-Did you?

-Shingles schmingles.

When I had my ulcers....

...I was...

...farting razor blades.

Oh, you must be Max Goldman.

I'm your new neighbor.

Pleasure.

Isn't it a peach of a day?

Here's something for you.

It was left at my house by accident.

Some of your mail.

Sorry.

Have my herbal therapy oils arrived yet?

This morning.

Special delivery from...

...California.

Wonderful!

Ah, yes, there's nothing

like the scent of...

...fresh tea tree...

...just soaking into your pores.

Don't you agree?

Uh, lovely.

It was a pleasure meeting you

and I'm sure we'II...

...be seeing a lot of one another.

Good-bye, gentlemen.

Holy moly!

Now wait. You got all

four wheels on the track?

All right. Careful, fellas.

Be careful. That's over 100 years old.

Thing might collapse.

Hi, sweetheart.

How are you?

-Granddaddy's little girl.

-What's going on?

I'm getting rid of that.

It's just firewood.

Why?

I don't know. I don't play it much.

It sits around collecting dust.

You love that piano.

Granddaddy's got a surprise

for you in the house, pumpkin.

A little C-A-N-D-Y. It won't kill her.

Which one?

Which hand? This one?

That's the one.

There you are, sweetpea.

-How 'bout that? Here.

-Dad.

Is something wrong?

No, no. Nothing's wrong at all.

With me, uh....

How do I...?

-People are asking about you.

-I know.

Yeah, I keep telling them

that you and Mike are...

...doing just fine.

It's just a lot of gum-flapping.

Mike and I aren't fine.

That's what I thought.

We're separating for a while.

Honey, marriage isn't easy.

You have to work at it.

It's hard to work at it

when he's never there.

Sounds familiar. Mother wondered

where I was for 20 years.

You really think I wanted two jobs?

I didn't do that for me. I was...

...doing it for you, Brian and Mother.

Dad, this isn't about you.

It's about me and Mike.

I'm sorry. I keep....

I'm sorry. I love you so much.

Well, whatever you

and Mike decide is....

I never liked him anyway.

Who is that?

I don't know.

She seems to know you.

Well....

Does she always do that?

I don't know.

This is great!

We hope you enjoyed

our feature presentation.

Now stay tuned for tonight's

$6.4 million...

...jackpot on Powerball.

Followed by local news.

Out of the way.

Come on, baby.

I've got to win a million bucks.

Jacob, you got my vote! That's great.

Come on in. Have a little TV dinner.

Lasagna's heating up now.

No time. I had to give you this

for the yard.

I have to deliver a lot.

Just have one drink.

I can't. Sorry. I'll call you.

No, close the door. Come in.

Wait a minute. Give me a minute.

$6.4 million is our estimated jackpot.

You could be a millionaire.

To win the jackpot, correctly match

five white balls and the red powerball.

Our first number is a--

What's going on?

Number four. Remember, to win

the jackpot, match five white balls...

...and the red powerball.

Come on!

Schmuck doesn't know anything.

A...25....

There's just one more white ball

and here it is....

Jesus Christ!

Goldman. It's Goldman.

You're a child.

Don't tell me. It isn't me.

Oh, it never is.

John started every fight since 1940.

'Thirty-Eight.

It's ridiculous.

Come here and apologize.

-Come here!

-I'm not apologizing to anybody!

You're letting the cold air in.

Take that, you criminal.

I don't believe it.

That old trick?

This is between me and your father.

There's no need for you to get involved.

I don't say anything on one condition.

Put one of these in your yard.

I'd be proud to.

Hey, not one word

to your old man, remember?

Have fun, Johnny.

Hey, d*ckhead, you win the Lottery?

Enjoy your shower, smart ass?

Got to use hot water, you schmuck.

You'll never get me.

See you later.

Up yours, Gustafson!

What the hell is that smell?

Watch it, bonehead.

Mrs. Cusack said she came in here

yesterday to buy some...

...candles and incense.

She's probably a member

of one of them religious cults.

You say she's all alone?

What I heard. She's available...

...and hot to trot.

Moron.

Putz.

We were talking about

your new neighbor.

What?

My new neighbor? Oh, yes, new neighbor.

She came over to see me last night.

What?

About 1 :
30 in the morning.

Why would a woman come over

at 1 :
30 to see you?

Why do you think?

I'll have a six-pack.

Women...

...and fish, you can't catch

either one of them, Gustafson.

I've laid more pipe in this town

than Wabasha Plumbing.

You're going to go after her?

Oh, jeez. God no. She's too...

she's too disturbed for me.

-For you, maybe.

-I won't have anything to do with her.

Women fall too hard for me.

They get obsessed with me.

It's like one of them

"Fatal Attraction" things...

...that they show on

the Donahue Show, you know.

You guys are the biggest

bullshitters in this...

...entire frozen nation!

You're just plain chicken.

Both of you.

A beautiful woman just sitting there...

...20 feet from your front yards,

and you're trying...

...to tell me you'd rather park...

...your wrinkly butts...

...on a frozen piece of ice, kissing up

to buckets of fish bait! Ha!

Gee, listen to Casanova.

Yeah, he's a regular Don Juan.

No wonder women "don juan"

anything to do with you.

-That's it.

-That did it. 'Bye.

I'm out. I am out.

Hey, Max, say hello to Jake for me.

Why don't you come over

and have some turkey with us?

There's always plenty of bird

with just Jacob and me.

You can spend next week

in bed with ptomaine.

Come over to my place,

Melanie cooks up a feast.

Thanks.

But you know those old boys at the

V.F.W. expect me every Thanksgiving.

Forget it. 'Bye, Chuck.

Moron.

Putz.

Tell me something.

Do I stink?

Not you, smart ass.

Didn't ask you!

I could smell it in the car.

This stink!

Is it me?

Damn!

What the hell is that?

For Christ's sake.

Gustafson.

You schmuck!

Disgrace the way they coach that team.

Stay there.

Stay there, you bastard.

-How are you, Punky?

-Hey, buttercup.

Give me two packs of Camels and a cup

of your special coffee, love-muffin.

You should smoke filter cigarettes.

Yeah, well, I'm 94 years old.

What the hell do I care?

Thank you, dear.

Max is here.

Come on, love-muffin.

Thanks.

You're always there to save me.

Yeah, right.

When Billy Gerber locked me

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