Guard the House! Page #3

---

Ah, I'm sure you did the same

with me.

Sorry, I didn't really have the time.

Ah, sure, you're a busy man,

I know that.

- D'you know where I'd like to go?

- No. Where would you like to go?

- Tupelo. Birthplace of the King.

- Mississippi.

My wife's from Jackson.

- How long have you been married?

- Eight years.

- Any kids?

- Two boys.

Stokely's five years old.

Huey just turned three months old.

- I got a picture of him.

- I don't want to see it.

Excuse me?

I don't want to see it.

Babies all look the same.

The only time a baby doesn't look like

every other baby

is when it's a really ugly baby.

So, unless it's a photo of a really

ugly baby, I don't want to see it.

- Well, that's pretty f***in' rude.

- Maybe it is, maybe it isn't.

Oh, it is.

I'd like to have a family someday.

Too busy whoring around

and getting f***ed up now.

I don't think

you should be telling me this stuff.

You know, I've been reading...

where they're smuggling the cocaine

out of Colombia in little submarines.

Submarines they've built themselves,

like.

Yeah, sounds insane, but it is true.

You are correct.

Crafty little beggars.

You have to admire their enterprise.

- No, Sergeant. You don't.

- You do.

You ever been to the States?

Yeah, once. Disney World.

What, when you were a kid

with your family?

No, this was last year.

- You went with a girlfriend?

- No, God, no.

You went to Disney World

by yourself?

Yeah. Great gas it was.

Had me picture taken with Goofy.

He's my favourite, Goofy.

I can't tell if you're really

motherfucking dumb

or really motherfucking smart.

'Put your fingers to your ears

when you want me to stop! '

Sergeant Boyle?

There's been a mix-up.

You've the wrong night.

I'm sorry?

- You're from the agency?

- No. My husband is missing.

Oh, God, I'm sorry.

Come in, come in.

I'll just slip into something

a little less comfortable.

Nice mug of tea.

Now...

So your husband is missing,

you were saying?

- I didn't get your name.

- Gabriela.

Gerry. So?

My husband is missing, yeah.

I think so, yes.

- Name?

- Aidan McBride.

Aidan McBride.

Not the guard, Aidan McBride?

Yes. He started working here today.

- How long has he been missing?

- Since tonight.

That's no time at all, sure.

He might be on the tear somewhere.

- He does not drink.

- He doesn't drink?

He called me at eight o'clock.

He said he was on his way home.

I've tried his cellphone, but it's dead.

Ah, there's been no accidents

on the road as far as I know.

I'm only after getting in meself.

- Would it be to do with your work?

- Ah, no.

Do you mean, has he gone

undercover with the Mob?

Ah, no. You'd have to head down

to Limerick for that sort of excitement.

- How long have you been married?

- Three years.

- Where are you from? Romania?

- Croatia.

Ah, Croatia.

Good footballers, the Croatians.

They used to be, anyway.

Listen, I'm sure

there's an innocent explanation.

If you still haven't heard anything

by tomorrow evening,

that'll be 24 hours, and I can put out

a county-wide alarm.

What did they used to call

those things? On the telly?

- I'm sorry?

- APB.

"I'm putting out an APB."

You never hear that any more, do ye?

- Thank you again.

- Good luck.

I'll see ya.

Bit chilly out, huh?

Looked pretty impressive out there,

Sergeant.

I was fourth in the Olympics.

Bullshit.

Yeah, Seoul '88. Lovely people,

the South Koreans. Lovely food.

Bullshit.

No, 1500-metres freestyle.

I thought I was odds on

for the bronze.

The two Germans I was prepared for,

but f***in' Salnikov.

Supposed to be over the hill. Russians

never know when they're beaten.

"The Monster in the Waves",

they called him.

You were fourth in the Olympics?

You don't get anything for fourth.

It's a cruel world.

So, Kenosha, Wisconsin,

you were saying.

Did you grow up in the Projects?

- What?

- Did you grow up in the Projects?

Or do they not have Projects

in Kenosha?

No, I did not grow up in the Projects.

It might surprise you to learn,

Sergeant Boyle,

that I come from

a very privileged background.

And by "privileged",

I mean prep schools, Yale.

I was a Rhodes Scholar. Bet you don't

even know what a Rhodes Scholar is.

- I do know what a Rhodes Scholar is.

- Enlighten me.

Kris Kristofferson.

Yeah, Kris Kristofferson

was a Rhodes Scholar.

You are correct.

Privileged background, huh?

Summer in the Hamptons,

skiing in Aspen. That kind of thing.

Skiing, yeah?

I thought black people couldn't ski.

Or is that swimming?

Ho. Ho.

So what do you have planned

for your day?

Well, we obviously don't know

who killed McCormick or why.

There was no useful forensic

evidence at the crime scene,

so I thought we might start

by canvassing the neighbourhood

where the body was discovered,

see if anybody heard something.

We also must consider the fact

that McCormick was probably

reconnoitring drop-off points

all along the coast.

- Sergeant.

- What?

Sorry, you lost me at "we".

We. You and I.

It's my day off. Did I not tell ya?

It's your day off?

I've had it booked for a good while.

You can ask Stanton.

We're investigating a murder,

trafficking of half a million dollars'...

Billion.

...half a billion dollars' worth

of cocaine,

and you're telling me it's your day off?

I'm sure 24 hours

won't make any difference.

They say it does on these cop shows,

but it doesn't. Not in my experience.

Ah, why do you keep repeating

everything I say?

How are you? Special Agent Everett,

Federal Bureau of Investigation.

Could I ask you a few questions?

Oh, you don't... You don't speak

any English, huh?

And you don't speak any English?

I just wanna show you a few pictures,

see if you've seen any of these men

in the last few days. This gentleman?

I'm sorry.

Is there anyone else here that I...?

So where are you taking us

to have your wicked way?

- I've a room booked at the G.

- Oh, fancy.

- No expense spared.

- Are we not too official for the G?

Whether you are or you aren't,

they'll have Sergeant Gerry Boyle

to deal with if they don't like it.

- He's power mad.

- They say power corrupts.

And I'm corrupted absolutely.

You'll find that out soon enough.

- Are you the FBI man?

- Yes, I am.

- Behavioural Science Unit?

- Er, no.

Actually I'm investigating

the smuggling of narcotics.

Ah, drugs.

- Hurry up, Aoife.

- I'm tumescent.

You're not in bad shape

for an auld lad.

- So me mother's telling me.

- Sergeant!

- You're not that old, Sergeant.

- Don't listen to her.

Ah, I'm old enough to be your father.

You think about that while you're

f***ing us, if that's what turns you on.

Oh, Sinead, you're one sick puppy.

I think I'm in love.

What's the craic?

- Just a little memento. Looky.

- You can put it in your archive.

- I know what I'd put in your archive.

- The man's obsessed.

Ha, Wonderbra.

Now it can be revealed.

I have very small breasts.

That's OK. I have a very small penis.

Sergeant!

How you doing, sir?

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes