Guarding Tess Page #2

in this room. Now get it out.

Yes, ma'am.

How dare you

bring a gun in here?

- Sorry, Mrs. Carlisle.

- That's all right.

- That emergency alarm is to be used...

- It belongs to me.

I'll use it

anytime I want.

I think it bothers the neighbors.

Sorry.

What is it?

I want to play golf.

What?

Golf. It's a game.

My husband and I used to play it.

- Do you remember that?

- Mrs. Carlisle, it's 38 degrees.

Thank you, Tom. Could you have

the car ready in half in hour?

- Yes. Ma'am.

- Thank you.

Now go on. Shoo.

Go on.

Kimberly?

Kimberly!

Would you mind

not standing there?

No, not there. Go over there

where I can see where you are.

- Didn't you guard Ford or Agnew?

- No, ma'am.

All they ever did was play golf,

which was a blessing for the country.

Yes, ma'am.

No, I was too young.

- What?

- Too young to serve Ford or Agnew.

Get back in the cart.

Get in the cart!

Yes, ma'am.

What is this all about?

She sits up in her room for five years,

and now we've got golf.

And opera.

- What's next?

Why are you making noise?

We're trying to putt.

Sorry.

Why don 't you make yourselves useful?

One of you, come and hold the pin.

Yes, ma'am.

Putt!

Would you be kind enough

to get my first ball, please, Doug?

I'm a Secret Service agent,

Mrs. Carlisle, not a caddy.

You want that ball?

I suggest you go get it yourself.

- Ralph?

- Yo!

Since you've insisted

on me staying...

you should know I intend

to do my job by the book...

which means we don't run errands,

we don't make snacks...

and we don't check our guns

at the door.

Now, if you don't like

any of this...

I suggest you call Washington

and get yourself a new man.

I'd be very careful

if I were you, Agent.

You 're way out of your depth.

Let's switch.

- I've got to go up to the clubhouse.

- Sure thing, Doug.

I told her...

I told her...

"No more calling us 'gofers with guns,'

snacks in the middle of the night...

no more checking our weapons

outside your bedroom door."

You said that?

In so many words, I said,

from now on, we go by the book.

- And she stood for this?

- She didn't say a thing.

Oh, yeah. She tells me

to go find her ball.

I said, "I'm not a caddy.

I'm a Secret Service agent.

- You want that ball, find it yourself."

- Come on.

- Are you crazy?

- No. Here's why...

Doug, telephone.

- Hello?

- Mr. Chesnic?

- Yes.

- Please hold for the president.

- Hello?

- Uh, hello!

- That you, Doug?

- Yes, sir.

- How are ya?

- I'm fine. And you?

Well, I got this call

from Tess Carlisle.

And I know this sounds

a little crazy...

but did you tear up

some flowers of hers?

- Doug? You there?

- Yes, sir.

- Somethin ' about a bunch of roses.

- Well, uh, no.

- It wasn't a bunch. Sir.

- Uh-huh.

- Well, how many of them were there?

- Just one, sir.

I see.

And you tore it up, did ya?

- No, sir. I didn't tear it up.

- Well, what 'd you do?

- I merely removed the bud.

- From her flower?

Yes. Sir.

Okay. Well, let's get

past that for a second.

- I was her husband's vice president.

- Yes, sir.

Frankly, I owe a lot to the Carlisles.

She seconded my nomination.

- You know that too.

- Yes, sir.

Why don 't we try to get along better

in Ohio? What do you say?

- Yes, sir. Absolutely.

- I don 't get it.

One day she calls me,

says she can 't live without you.

Next day, shes callin ',

almost in tears.

So maybe you two have some kind

of sicko thing goin ' on...

- No! No, sir. I can tell you...

- I'll tell you this, Doug.

Any more phone calls from her, you 're

gonna be guardin' my dog. Understand?

- Yes, sir.

- 'Cause I probably got...

the most important job in the world,

and I feel like a goddamn idiot...

havin' to call you

about a goddamn flower I

- You know what I mean?

- I certainly do.

Are you gonna help me out

on this one?

- You can count on it, sir.

- Thanks. That 's what I wanted to hear.

- Have a nice evening, son.

- Yes, sir.

'Night.

If you need help,

hang up and then dial your operator.

Hey, Mrs. Carlisle,

I got your laundry and a Whopper.

Who's this opera by again?

Mozart.

Oh, that's right.

I saw a movie about him.

The guy was a complete jerk.

The end of the movie, some guy comes

to see him in a party mask.

It was just a mask, right?

But it upsets Mozart so much...

that he drops over dead,

just like that.

- What the hell kinda guy is that?

- I don't know, Lee.

Here. Don't shoot yourself.

Very funny.

Happy huntin'.

Well?

Sorry, ma'am.

This way, ma'am.

Kill the engine.

Start the engine.

- Earl.

- Yes. Ma'am?

- Do you like your job?

- Yes, ma'am. A lot.

Ma'am, the protectee is never allowed

to sit directly behind the driver.

That's a regulation. Nobody does it.

Not the president, not anybody.

The sun will be on that side,

and I do not want the sun.

Perhaps you could sit on the proper side

but slightly then to the middle.

- Nope.

- Ma'am, excuse me...

but we are not leaving this house

until you are seated properly...

with your seat belt

firmly fastened.

Jesus Christ. Let her sit

on the hood if she wants to.

Move it out, Earl.

We're rolling.

Oh, these family outings

are always so stressful.

Look.

I have never been so embarrassed

in my life. I want to go home.

I don't want to go to the hotel, and

I will never return to Columbus again.

Yes, ma'am.

For what it's worth,

I was just trying to help.

Your help is most precisely what I do

not want. When will you people get that?

Hello. Oh.

- Please, no autographs now.

- It's good to see you.

- Thank you.

- Thank you.

Mrs. Carlisle.

- You got my vote!

- I appreciate that. Thank you so much.

Thanks for coming, Tess.

What is this?

I just wanted her autograph.

I'll do you one better. Write me,

and I'll get you an autographed picture.

- Good night, ma'am.

- Oh, a picture. How wonderful.

Well, thank you so very much.

Very nice and wonderful.

I hope you enjoyed the opera

as much as I did.

Thank you. I've changed my mind.

We'll be staying in Columbus tonight.

- Yes, ma'am.

- Give 'em hell, Tess.

What do you care

where she sits?

She's supposed to be where the driver

and I can both see her at the same time.

I know that. That's not what I'm asking.

This detail's a cupcake.

It may be the most boring detail in

the service, but it's still a cupcake.

Why are you gonna risk your career

on crap like that?

Because it's not crap.

It's my job.

I'm either gonna do it right, take pride

in it, or find something else to do.

You're right.

I can't argue.

But Doug,

I wouldn't piss her off.

- More calls to the White House, and...

- I'll be guarding the president's dog.

Bullshit. You'll be gone.

You try to get a job out there now.

Know what they want in private security?

Guys that can bench-press 9,000 pounds.

This is a good deal.

You've let it get personal.

It's not personal.

Of course it is. She doesn't even know

the rest of us are alive.

- How is she?

- She's fine.

But, uh...

- Get rid of those.

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