Guarding Tess Page #3

- Okay.

What about, uh, Ali-Tyson?

Ali, TKO, eighth round,

in his prime.

All right. What about

Mrs. Carlisle and Nancy Reagan?

- In their prime?

- Yeah.

Mrs. Carlisle would knock Nancy out

in the sixth to seventh round.

- It wouldn't go the distance?

- No. Two completely different fighters.

Nancy doesn't have

the big-time punch.

She throws these cutting left jabs

and combinations.

Always in your face. Unrelenting.

Bap, bap, bap!

Mrs. Carlisle, she's a floater,

a dancer. Totally unpredictable.

Just when you think you got her

where you want her, bam!

Out of nowhere comes her right h and, and

Nancy's on Queer Street. End of fight.

- I think you're right about that.

- I know I'm right.

I know. That's why I ask ed you.

Ralph, be a dear and get me

a Baby Ruth, would you, please?

- Yes.

- Thanks.

Earl, go.

I can't.

Who got you this job?

Did they, or did I?

Yes!

Doug, she took off!

Earl!

I want you to pull over right now.

You hear me, goddamn it?

- I'm sorry, Dou g.

- It's not your fault. It's mine.

Should've seen it coming.

Uh-huh.

Hold on a minute.

I'm gonna... Agent Chesnic,

I'm gonna put you on the speaker.

Is there someone else

in the room?

No. I just want to practice my putting

while we're talking. What can I do?

Would you please put out an all-points

for Mrs. Carlisles automobile?

It's a "92 Lincoln, Ohio plates...

Kilo-Hotel-Oscar 362.

When last seen, it was heading east

on the Chester Exit of l-71.

Just hold everything.

Have I got this right?

Have you Secret Service boys gone

and lost the president's wife again?

I don't believe there's any cause

for concern here. She's with her driver.

She's perfectly safe,

but proper procedure requires us...

to notify you.

Of course it does.

- Uh, we'll get on this right now.

- Thank you.

Agent Chesnic, uh...

Ms. Carlisle is pretty slippery,

isn't she?

I mean, for a senior citizen.

Hello?

Doug, let's have

a little stroll around the yard...

before we go in there

and talk to him, okay?

I want you to go in there

and tell Earl to meet me in the office.

Okay, Lee?

- All right.

- Thank you.

Hey, everybody's mad at me, right?

Hey, everybody's mad at me, right?

What am I supposed to do?

I'm just a driver, you know? Hey!

- You're through! You know that?

- No, I don't.

- You don't know that?

- No, I don't.

- Why don't you know that, you tick?

- Buddy, come on.

Because she assured me

that I was not gonna be fired.

In fact, I would have been fired

if I hadn't done it.

Look, look.

You guys come and go,

but I live here...

and I keep my job

because of her.

Oh, you think I don't try

to talk her out of these crazy things.

But I got no choice.

Well, you're fired, Earl.

Trust me.

Come in.

- Did you en joy yourself today?

- Don 't take that tone with me, Douglas.

Look, this is

just stupid, okay?

Which part?

The part where I have to run away like

a fugitive to get one hour of privacy...

or the part where I am

spoken to like a child?

I fir ed Earl.

This has happened twice now.

He is a driver in the employ

of the Secret Service.

I can't do anything about the cook

or the nurse. They work for you.

He works for us.

He's gone!

He works for you

because I told you to hire him.

He's my chauffeur,

and he's staying!

You've got to let me leave this detail,

ma'am. I can't do my job effectively.

Whatever you like.

You can go anytime you please.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Goodbye, Mrs. Carlisle.

Goodbye.

If I promise

never to run away again...

will that do?

Ma'am, I am truly sorry,

but l...

For God's sake, Doug,

I only went for a little drive.

- It was crazy.

- Yes.

Crazy. Exactly.

You should try it sometime, Douglas.

You should try going crazy yourself.

You should get a date...

have a martini,

drive with the top down.

You should, better yet,

give a tired old widow a break.

I am very sorry, Mrs. Carlisle,

but the regulations...

Oh, well, fine. Go.

Whatever you want to do.

Just leave.

One less gunman lounging around my

house. Take the whole bunch with you.

We are not gunmen, Mrs. Carlisle.

Since I am leaving for sure this time,

I'd like to take this opportunity...

to remind you that you can refuse

Secret Service protection...

anytime you want.

I believe you already know that.

Well, that's brilliant, Doug.

Do you think they'd really

let me get away with that?

I don't know why not. Other people

have done it. But I think you like it.

I think you like having seven men...

and no women agents...

I notice... at your beck and call,

day and night.

- "Get a date."

- How dare you?

- Goodbye, Mrs. Carlisle.

- Get out!

Get out of my house this instant.

And stay out!

Yeah?

This is Air Force One calling.

Stand by for the president.

- Doug?

- Sir?

- How are you?

- I'm fine. How are you?

Not too good. I'm on my way to London.

I should be workin' on a speech.

Instead, I'm havin '

a goddamn Tess Carlisle problem I

- What the hell 's that about, Doug?

- L... It's...

Do you know that, as of this morning,

she 's refused Secret Service protection?

- Where the hells she get that idea?

- L...

This woman is a national treasure.

You and I know what a pain she is.

But we don't count. It's what the damn

voters think. That's what counts.

And they want this woman looked after.

You understand me?

Yes. Sir.

What if some lunatic cuts her throat?

What about that?

- I agree, sir...

- How much doo-doo would I catch...

if something like that happened

on my watch?

- Yes, sir.

- Let me make it real clear.

Get over to her house

and straighten this out.

I'm countin ' on you,

and so 's the country.

- Yes, sir. I'll get on it right away.

- That's what I wanted to hear.

Thanks.

The next time you're in town,

have dinner with us at the White House.

Yes. Sir. I'd be honored.

I'II be there. Thank you.

- All right. Have a nice day, pal.

- Yes. Sir. I will.

Bye-bye.

She told us to leave and take the flag

with us. I loaded weapons in the car.

Jimmy.

- Hello. That you, Doug?

- Yeah. I want you to open the gate.

No way.

Come on. Let me in.

I'm actin' on the authority

of the president of the United States.

So what, Doug?

WE got Mrs. Carlisle in here.

Doug, this is Frederick.

I want you to listen very closely.

Jimmy and I are holding

Mrs. Carlisle hostage.

Here is what we want.

We want $100 in unmarked bills...

and a helicopter,

matching sports coats...

and a videocassette

of the movie "Gigi."

Are you listening to me?

- Hello, Earl. Do me a favor.

- Can you hear me?

- Can you talk to Mrs. Carlisle?

- You owe me an apology.

Yeah, probably.

Can you talk to her?

- She hasn't seen anyone.

- Get her to let me in.

If she wants to go out, let me know.

I'll be in the car.

- Okay.

- Than k you.

Okay, Barbara. I guess you might as well

go home. Guys, go home. Get some sleep.

All right. The three of us

will take perimeter positions.

Lee, take Maple. Ralph, go around back.

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