Guess Who Page #3

- No, Simon.

Take it off!

- Take it off right now.

- It's perfect on me.

- What are you doing?

- Look at it. Red is my color.

- Always has been. Look at it. My goodness!

- Simon, take it off.

But it fits me so perfectly.

Look, you're stretching it!

- Take it off right now.

- It's not ruined.

It's nice. You take it off.

- I'm not joking.

- You want some of this?

Stop it, Simon.

- Take it off.

- You take it off.

Coming in.

Mom!

- I'm going to tell her right now.

- Go and tell.

- What?

- He's taking Simon to a hotel!

I'm paying for it. What's the problem?

- Can I speak to you?

- You sure can.

Why are you taking him to a hotel?

You didn't see

what they were about to do upstairs.

- Mom, we were just playing.

- Well, playtime is over.

Mr. Jones, I'm not a cross-dresser.

Just for the record.

- A cross-dresser?

- No.

What are you... It's lingerie.

- You shouldn't even be having any.

- I'm a grown woman, Percy!

- It is not covering up the grown parts!

- What!

Why does the young man

have to go to a hotel?

Don't start with me.

This is my house and my rules.

Your rules?

This house can't handle

no more testosterone.

We cannot exceed the testosterone level.

We gotta keep it like that until the girls

get married. Maybe even beyond that.

And I'm not suggesting anyone get married!

Why can't he stay in the basement,

in your room?

Because that's my room!

That's my stuff down there.

- How selfish.

- That doesn't make sense.

It got mold, anyway.

Could be black mold. I wouldn't

feel comfortable putting him at risk.

Do you have any idea

how ridiculous that sounds?

No, it's okay.

No, it's not okay!

What are you talking about?

Look, this is your father's house.

We're gonna play it by his rules.

Now, he's obviously set

a testosterone standard.

And I'm going to abide by that.

- You falling for that? I'm going with you.

- No, you're not gonna do that.

- You don't want me to go with you?

- Of course I want you to!

But what?

- You need to stay here.

- Hello?

You need to stay here.

- No. I want to be with you!

- We're still here!

Are you two gonna be done soon,

or maybe we should have a seat?

Come on, honey. Let's sit...

You need to help your mom

with the party arrangements.

We don't want to stress them out, do we?

No.

- All right?

- Yes.

- All right. We're all set.

- I'm glad you all decided. Come on, let's go.

- Come on, get your stuff. Let's go.

- Yeah. All right.

Where is he? Girl!

Oh, my God. Are we being audited?

- No, Keisha.

- What's happening?

This is Simon. This is Theresa's boyfriend.

This is Keisha, her little sister.

Go.

- Nice to meet you.

- Oh, this... Yes. Nice to meet you, too.

Good, you all met. Take it to the car.

I'll meet you out there.

- Dad, Theresa's boyfriend is white.

- I know.

I know you know.

I just wanted to see your face

when you heard it again.

Not now.

- Don't forget we have dinner reservations.

- We'll meet you over there.

She was black as the night

Louie was whiter than white

Danger

Take a walk on the wild side

And the colored girls go

doo do doo do doo

Looks like rain.

Nope.

- Those clouds look pretty threatening.

- I live here. I know the weather.

So, Theresa tells me you're in charge

of the loan department at the bank.

That must be a rewarding job.

I'm thinking about making a switch

to a smaller company.

I just think there's less political garbage.

You think I don't deal

with political garbage?

I got political garbage coming out my ass.

If I give a guy a loan,

I'm married to him for 30 years.

If I deny him, I have to deal with him

in church on Sunday.

- I know that feeling.

- Don't try to act like our jobs are alike.

Good thing it isn't raining.

That's not rain. It's sprinkling.

You might want to turn on

the windshield wipers.

I will once it starts raining.

Come on, you two, let's go.

- I don't want to be late. Keisha!

- Coming!

Why you always got to knock

on my door first?

'Cause you still live here.

Let's go. It's raining. I don't wanna be late.

Come on.

Okay, tell me what's it like?

- What's what like?

- Being with a white guy.

- Come on, Keisha, what's the sex like?

- Yeah.

Where's Mom?

She's downstairs, girl. Come on! Bring it.

Okay. You know that thing they say

about the size? Completely the opposite.

- Really?

- They're huge.

And not only are their penises big,

but they can sing.

When they get excited, they sing up a storm.

They know a million tunes.

They're like big iPods.

Cut it out. Stop it.

Keisha, seriously, is he nice?

- Yeah, and he's cute, too.

- I know.

- What about Mom and Dad?

- Mom is cool with it.

I mean, Dad, he seems, you know,

a little on edge, but not more than usual.

Isn't he ever?

- Girls!

- Coming!

But can I just say,

I love you so much right now because...

- Why?

...from now on, no matter what I do, if I...

- crash Dad's car, or if I...

- What's wrong?

...rob a bank...

- if I burn this house down...

- Keisha.

...I won't be the one

who brought home the white boy!

Thank you!

Mom!

- Can I help you with your bag, sir?

- I'm okay. I got it.

You don't trust a working man

with your bag?

No, I just... It's just one bag.

What do you think,

he'll rifle through your luggage...

and steal your toothbrush

and your fancy conditioner?

- No, that's not it at all.

- Let me tell you something.

Theresa's grandfather was a bellman for

over 60 years and he never stole nothing.

Could you get my bag?

What, he's your slave now?

No.

Did you want me to take your bag, sir?

I don't know.

- Next, please.

- Okay.

Hi. Reservation for Percy Jones.

And that's Jones with a "J"?

No, Jones with a "P."

I made the reservation last week.

You knew you were gonna kick me out

a week ago?

Son, I knew I was gonna kick you out

when the doctor announced it was a girl.

- Here you are.

- Good.

- We gave your room away.

- What?

Check-in was at 4:00.

It's Thursday night. I'm quite sure

you got another room available.

I'm sorry, we're completely booked

and so is everyone else.

There's a Shriners convention

in town, actually.

May I help you with anything else,

Mr. Pjones?

I guess I'll have to stay at your house, then.

No, there's a crack hotel downtown.

You'll be just fine. Come on.

Next.

Hi. Welcome to Cranford.

- I don't know what your basement's like...

- It's damp. You'd hate it.

I don't think dampness is really an issue

at this point.

You can't think about anything but getting

back in the house with my daughter.

Mr. Jones, I'm in your house.

I'll obey your rules.

Yeah, right. You'll obey Mr. Jones now...

but when you're up at 3:00 in the morning...

all hot and horny, you'll obey Mr. Johnson.

You heard the lady. There's no available

hotel rooms in the whole town.

- I'm not gonna do anything. I swear.

- Put your stuff in there. Come on.

You know, dinner's in about 10 minutes.

I don't know what Marilyn is like

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