Guess Who Page #5

That's $50,000!

Did you inherit a boatload or something?

The initial public offering comes out

on Tuesday. What do you expect me to do?

I know when it comes out.

I set the damn date, okay?

Just buy it for me on margin.

Dude, you don't work here anymore.

I need this IPO to hold me over

until I get another job.

I know you're really screwed right now...

but do you even have $50,000?

I'm gonna sell off my IRAs, okay?

I'll have it in 10 days.

I can't do margin.

I need cash.

I'm in Jersey right now.

Where am I gonna get cash?

I'm sure one of those chemical plants

has an ATM machine.

All right, look. I'll get the cash.

Just put in the order.

Cash by Tuesday.

I'll bring it to you personally on Monday.

Don't punk out on me.

- Hey.

- Hey.

What are you doing here?

I feel like we didn't get off

on the right foot yesterday...

so I thought maybe...

I'd come here and take you to lunch.

Maybe we could bond a little.

I think we bonded just fine around 3:10 this

morning when your knee was in my crotch.

Right.

I'll buy.

- You want to buy me lunch?

- Yeah.

I figured it's the proper thing to do

after sleeping with each other.

Okay.

- So, nice bank.

- I'm glad you like it.

I like the small-town feel.

It's less complicated.

Somebody needs money,

they just come in and say:

"Percy, I need a loan."

Right?

And then, of course, you say,

"Well, yeah. How much?"

They say, "I don't know.

You tell me. $50,000?"

What, you need $50,000?

- Do I need $50,000?

- Yeah.

No. I most assuredly do not.

I was just admiring the process.

How many cylinders does a NASCAR engine

have, six or eight?

- How...

- Yeah.

Six... or eight...

depending on the gas mileage

consumption of the automobile.

You never worked in the pit at NASCAR.

You might as well admit it.

All right, you know, fine.

I never really had an aptitude for engines.

Jay... Jeff...

Jeff Gordon didn't really trust me

in the pit that much.

But you did drive the cars.

- Drive?

- Yeah.

- Absolutely.

- Good.

All right! Fine! I never drove NASCAR!

But I was nervous

and I wanted to impress you.

You shouldn't have lied.

All right. This is the deal.

We go one lap around.

If you beat me, I'll loan you the money.

- Really?

- I knew it! I knew you needed the money.

I don't need the money!

Move over!

Yeah. Fool!

Sucker!

Move it, man!

What the hell are you doing?

- I think it's obvious who came in first.

- You're doggone right. You know I won.

- I was through the bushes before...

- I was through first. I had more speed.

I was through the bushes

and on the asphalt...

- before you even were at the bushes.

- Look.

Dispatch, this is 53 Charlie.

Brian, we got a problem.

Two cars have jumped...

License and registration.

- Poppy!

- There's my beautiful girl.

Simon, I want you to meet my granddad.

- Hi, there. Howard Jones.

- Simon Green. Good to meet you, sir.

Nice to meet you.

- Hey, Speed Racer.

- Hey!

- What's with the white kid?

- That's Simon. He's my boyfriend.

Your boyfriend?

You didn't tell me he was white.

- Yes, I did.

- When?

- Back at the home.

- I thought you was kidding.

Okay. Well, I think that's it.

I think you're forgetting about the vodka.

Say grace, Percy.

Thank you, Lord. Amen.

- That was fast.

- The Lord knows I'm busy.

- Simon, pass on the broccoli, please.

- Yes, sir.

So, what, they don't have any available

young black men in New York anymore?

They just ran out last week, Grandpa.

I'm just trying to figure out

why you chose to go this way.

- Don't mind him.

- It's okay.

My grandmother loved you

when she first met you.

But later she said some things.

I was like, "Wow, Grandma."

- What kind of things?

- Yeah, what kind of things?

Nothing. Just things.

- Such as?

- Yeah, such as?

- Daddy? I got it.

- I know.

You know what?

You're gonna laugh when you hear this.

She said that Theresa was a very pretty girl.

- That's so nice.

- Good taste.

So I ask her

what she liked about you the most, right?

She said...

She says, "I just love

her cute, little, nappy little head."

- Your grandmother, where does she live?

- Brooklyn. Why?

I just wanna know how far I'd have to travel

to kick her old white ass, that's why!

Grandpa.

You don't call my grandchild

no nappy head!

Did she say that while putting on a sheet

for the Klan rally?

Settle down, now! Hand me the butter.

- My grandmother's not a malicious woman.

- No, she's not.

She's 82. She comes from a different time.

I'm 74 and I come from a different time.

You don't hear me calling white folks

honky and flat-ass!

- Casper.

- Cracker.

- Ofay.

- Peckerwood.

- Wonder bread.

- Bird sh*t.

Bird sh*t?

It's almost white.

That's pretty good.

Howard. Percy!

It's okay.

I'm really sorry

about what my grandmother said...

but there are some people

you're just never gonna change...

- as much as you'd like to.

- Yep.

I can tell you this. Last Thanksgiving...

my Uncle Dave said a black joke

at the table, right?

So I said, right in front of the whole family,

"Look, that's inappropriate.

"We're not gonna have it."

I think that's how you change people.

You just gotta attack it one at a time.

Exactly.

What was the joke?

Excuse me?

Tell the joke.

- I don't remember it.

- Sure you do. Tell the joke.

- Really, I don't remember it. It was...

- Dad.

Chicken.

- Excuse me?

- I didn't stutter.

Okay, you know what? I'll tell the joke.

- No, Simon. You don't...

- Baby, it's okay.

I'll tell you why.

Because by not telling the joke,

I'm empowering it. Right? So I'll just...

tell the joke and expose

how simple-minded...

and crude and unfunny it actually is.

What do you call...

What do you call 100 black men...

buried in the ground up to their neck?

- What?

- Afro-Turf.

- That's cute.

- What are you laughing at?

- It's cute.

- Cute don't make it funny.

Tell another.

- Dad, no.

- Let the man tell a joke!

I don't know any other ones.

Obviously, I've heard other black jokes,

but I think I've proven my point.

So it's okay to empower the other ones?

Okay. I see what you're doing here,

you're putting me on the spot.

It's okay. Look, it's fine.

'Cause I'm not gonna back down.

Back down, Simon.

The only way to break down barriers

is to have everything out in the open.

- Right?

- Exactly.

So, what do you call...

one black man being chased

by 300 white men?

- What?

- The PGA Tour.

I get it.

Tiger Woods. There it is.

That's good.

Tell another one.

How do we know that Adam and Eve

weren't black?

How?

You ever try to take a rib away

from a black man?

That's pretty good.

- That's pretty good.

- I wouldn't take one from you, I know that!

- You chewing it down to the bone.

- That's a good one.

- He's a rib fan.

- Don't try.

- Tell more.

- Okay.

- Why don't black people like country music?

- Why?

'Cause every time they say "hoe-down,"

they think someone shot their sister.

You gonna be all right?

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