Guest House Paradiso Page #4

- N-no, a table.|- Let's go back upstairs.

You bloody well won't!|That's enough of that sort of thing!

Just sit down and eat quietly|like normal people!

It's absolutely disgusting!

Now, what can I get you?

D'you have any fish?

Oh! I'lI see what I can do.

Good evening, Miss Carbonara.

Good evening, Mr Twat.

Ha ha, it's "C*nt".

Oh, damn. Again.

Would it be too much trouble|if I ate in my room?

Oh. Of course.

Oh...

Of course.

What can I bring you?|The fish is very good tonight.

Yes, lightly grilled fish|and a salad would be perfect.

"Lightly" grilled fish?|And a "salad"?

Righty-ho.|I'lI have that up in a jiffy.

Would it offend you|if I ate it naked?

Hmm?

I would like to have it undressed.

Hmm?

I don't want to cause a fuss.

Oh, no, no! They'll be raring|to go on that one.

- Undressed, you say?|- It's good for my chakras.

I should imagine. Chakras like those|want looking after.

As we used to say|in the Boy Scouts...

(Eddie) Pheeb!

Oh, she's gone.

Right, Edward Elizabeth Ndingombaba,|this could be our lucky day!

(Knock at door)

Come in.

Good evening.

(Whispers) Good one.

Good evening.

You have a very big hat.

Well, you're a very attractive bird.

And with your salad -|salad cream or cooking oil?

Pardon?

Cream or oil?

No, I said I wanted|the salad undressed.

I know, and we're|looking forward to it.

I'll say.

No, I mean...without dressing.

Oh...

Oh. Oh, God. Back to the kitchen.

Oh, God. Quickly! Quickly! Quickly!

Oh, God! Oh, God!

Really, i-i-i-it's just too much.

I-I'm gonna...|I-I'm gonna confront him.

So you take the kids to bed.

Well, be careful, babe.

(Dings)

Hello?

(Dings) Hello?

Time for beddy-byes, is it?|Sweet dreams!

Oh, I don't feel well.

(Farts)

Hey, give her one from me!

If you're too tired|I'll come and give her one myself!

I'm not joking, actually.

(Richie) What do you|think you're doing?

I wanted you. Some underwear|has gone missing from our room.

Really? And what sort|of UNDERWEAR was it?

Uh, well...

They were crotchless|rubber panties, actually!

You're quite sure|they were crotchless?

Yes, and a rubber bra|is missing as well.

Hey, Rich, look at this bloke|in spiky underwear!

ls it...? ls it you?

- Put that back on!|- No.

It's broken.

- And there's no other machine?|- No. Afraid not.

Well, I'll just show this tape|to the police in the morning.

Hey, Rich...

What are we gonna do?

We'll just bide our time, Eddie.|We'll just bide our time.

Can you take your hand off my penis?

Hmm? Oh, sorry.

(Eddie) Whoo-oo-oo-oo!

Whoo-oo-oo-oo!

Whoo-oo-oo-oo!

Whoo-oo-oo-oo!

Whoo-oo-oo-oo!

Will you stop making|those owl noises!

- Sorry.|- Right. Now follow me.

(Crack) Aaaaaaaaarrrghhh!

Rich! Rich!

What happened?

Candle in the eye.

Pardon?

Candle in the eye!

Righto.

Aaaaaaaarrrrrgghh!

(Banging and crashing)

(Richie groans) Stop it!|Stop...it! Stop it!

Look...look...

Uhh! Let's get sensible, OK?!

Come on, it's this way.

Here we are. Shh!

Right, they're fast asleep.|Get your tackle out.

I beg your pardon?

Hand me your rod.

- Huh?|- The fishing rod.

Oh! Righto.

Here we go. (Laughs)

Shh!

Oh-oh-oh...!

Got it.

He's got a tight grip on it.

(Straining)

Ah! Ooh...

You're gonna have to help.

Right you are.

Cor! You got a whopper there.

Why, thank you, Eddie.|Must be all the excitement.

Oh, yeah...|Lady Diana, Princess of Wales...

Smack me up, you b*tch.

(Both strain)

(Bonk)

(Richie) Ooh! Ooh!

(Bonk)

(Bonk)

Unh! Come on!

Oh!

(Doorbell rings)

Who's that?

Someone ringing the doorbell.

I think you're right.

See what they want|before they wake everyone.

And Eddie, if it's the police,|claim all responsibility.

- Righto.|- Good man.

(Ringing)

I'm coming! I'm coming!

Where's Gina Carbonara?!

GINA! GINA!

It's, uh, just along here,|room five...

OK, now, bring me|romantic supper for two

and expensive bottle of champagne,

otherwise you are|one dead motherf***er!

Watch the language. We're trying|to keep this PG, all right?

OK, excuse me, otherwise|you are one dead father-f***er!

I tried.

Gino!

(Whispers) Si.

So, why you not turn up|at the church-a yesterday?

You are too famous not to come|to your own-a wedding! Eh?!

Or is poor Gino,|from Sicily, your own-a country...

is not a-good enough for you, huh?

ls that it?

- Ah!|- (Sobs)

Gina...

You know why I didn't come.

How can I know?|You never tell me anything.

Because the night before the wedding|you sleep with all three bridesmaids.

But at the time I wasn't-a married!

I was a free Gino!

Gina... Per favure, Gina...

Gina... Gina... Amure...

Gina, per favure, amure.

Amore, bambina...

I do not want-a to spend another|moment of my life without you, huh?

Do you have-a your|wedding dress with you?

Why don't you put it on|for me, for Gino?

So we can-a marry ourself, huh?

- (Knock at door)|- Si!

(Eddie) Room service!

(Gasps)

- Gino?|- Si?!

Look.

Yes, it's-a very beautiful.|Put it on!

Do you know a nice bordello|around here?

You find-a me some pretty girls...|and put them in another room.

He's bad!

The boyfriend?|Why didn't she tell me he was coming?

Ah... Leading me on.

Brazen hussy.

She was just using me...

before she tied the knot.

Just one last little bit|of love exercise.

Which didn't come off.

Like these blasted pants.

Oh, that reminds me! Oh, God!

(Door opens)

Richie? Richie?

(Doorbell rings)

(Men) Evening, Eddie!

Oh, no. Friday night.

Yep, another shift done!

Sorry we're late.|Had a party at the plant.

A leaving party. Well, someone on|B shift died, so technically it was!

(Laughing and sickly coughing)

(Eddie) No, look, I'm sorry, but...

The weekly lock-in|at Guest House Paradiso!

All right, but it'lI have to be|a quick one - we've got guests.

You've got guests?!

All right, what'll it be?

I feel poorly.

(Gasps)

Dad! Dad! Dad! DAD!|Dad, wake up!

(Yelps)

- What is it, Damien?|- Darling?

The nasty man!|He's in the cupboard!

- What?|- The hotel man!

You're just having a nightmare,|darling.

But he's in there!

Come into bed with us.

But he really is there...

I'm sure you think he's in there.

I've been having some nightmares|about that man myself.

I feel poorly.

Cor, I'm glad that shift's over -|they had to give me seven showers!

We had a bit of a leak yesterday,

had to burn all the dead fish|from the bay.

You probably saw the lorries.

- Shh!|- Mmm!

Mama mia...

You look-a beautiful.

(Loud whirring)

(Grinding)

(Whirring stops)

And I, Gino Guiseppe|Gianluca Bolognese,

take you,|Gina Tortellini Carbonara,

to be my lawful wedded wife, to love|and cherish me, to serve and obey me

till death do us part.

Amen.

I do.

I now pronounce us man...

and his woman!

- (Zip)|- No, Gino!

No?! What do you mean?!

You are my woman,|everything that is yours is mine!

(Roars)

You bring-a shame and dishonour|to the whole-a Bolognese family!

No sandwiches tonight, Eddie?

Uh....

(Telephone rings)

Hello...? Night...porter.

(Sobbing)

Where are the whores I ordered?

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