Guest House Paradiso Page #5

I ordered three prostitutes!

Send them to my room now.

Huh? OK.

Excuse me, gentlemen.

(Telephone rings)

Hello, night porter?

(Richie) Eddie, it's me.

I'm stuck inside|the bedside cabinet in room six.

OK. Won't be a minute, gents.

I'll go and get us the sandwiches.

All I want|is what is rightfully mine!

Gino! This was my mother's dress!|And my grandmother's before that.

That's OK, bring them.|I'll f*** them too!

I am one fucky guy!

What are you doing?

Sorry, hotel maintenance. I have|to remove this bedside cabinet.

- What?|- Yes, it's...got woodworm.

But it's|the middle of the night.

It's...a fire risk.

No, it's not.

Yes, it is.

See what I mean?|You can't be too careful.

Look, there it is, there!

(Geiger counter crackles)

(Geiger counter crackles madly)

Thank you so much.|Enjoy the rest of your evening.

(Coughing and choking)

Eddie! What have you been up to?!

I've told you before|to never - ever - ever -

service the rooms -|till the guests - are fully - awake!

(Eddie) Aaaaaarrrrgh!

I'm so sorry.

You toddle off to bed,

while I make sure|that Eddie doesn't trouble you again!

No, no! That won't be necessary.

Just don't disturb us again, please.

We're checking out tomorrow.

(Belches)

Oh, dear... (Farts)

And here it lS!

Hur...rah.

Eddie, all our troubles are over!

- I'm not so sure, Richie!|- What?

That fish,|where did you get it from?

No one ate any, did they?

Er...no.

Good, because it's highly dangerous.

They must've come|from next to the meltdown!

- Shut it!|- What is going on?

I don't know where you got that fish,

but this hotel|is now highly contaminated!

Thank God no one ate any|or you'd be up for murder!

You wanna clear this hotel|because this is not the end of this!

This is big trouble if they find out!

Why did you|shoot your mouth off like that?!

We better get Z-Squad!

How many guests had fish?

All of them.

Very well, let's pack our bags|and SKEDADDLE!

(Belching and liquid rumblings)

(Farting)

What's that noise?

(Door opens)

Oh! Oh, Mr Twat!

What is it?

I feel rather...AUGH!

(Belches)

Oh, Mr Twat, help m...

Get back in your room!

(Crying) Where's my mummy?|I want my mummy!

AUGH!

(Whispers) Come on.

(Floor creaking)

Oh, damn.

(Groaning)

(Farts) Oh, God...

Please, my wife's very sick.

- Timothy...|- I'm coming, darling. I'm...

(Gasps) What have...

Get me a doc...

For God's sake, get me a...

(Groans) I can't...

Get me a f***ing...

(Mumbles) My wife is sick too...

Oh, God...

(Enormous fart)

Oh, my God...

(Liquid rumblings)

(Charlene) It's coming again...

This...is the time.

BWEURRK!

AUGH! BWEURK! BLEURGH!

BLEURK! GLEURGH! AUGHH!

No!

Oh! I don't have anything to wear!

(Loud whirring)

Oh! That's where it went! Uh!

Come on, Richie,|this is no time for dancing!

Let's go!

I...w-w-w-whoo! Oh!

No!

(Dress tears)

(Liquid rumblings)

(Heaving)

(Door creaks)

Help! Help!|You've got to get me out of here!

(Gino gags)

Hey... Stop!

(Liquid rumblings)

Arrrrgh...

(Liquid rumblings)

Mmmnnnn!

- Ahhh!|- Go! Go!

(All) Ahhh!

(Gino) All I wanted was a shaaaaaaag!

(Buzzing and crackling)

(Helicopter engines)

(Geiger counters crackle)

(Tyres screech and sirens wail)

You give me that suitcase|and I'll give you this one.

What's in it?

10 million.

OK.

This case contains new identities|and passports for you.

And first class plane tickets|to the Caribbean.

OK...

Sign here to say|you've never lived in England

or heard the words "radioactive"|and "leak" then you can go.

Shall we shake?

I'd rather not.

You have a very big hat.

Well, you're a very attractive bird.

Calm - down - Richie!

He's got a tight grip on it.

Candle in the eye!

Righto.

Aaaaaarrrggghh!

(All laugh)

Thank you for killing|my awful boyfriend

by radioactive fish poisoning.

How lucky he was the only fatality.

Yes.

Otherwise there'd be a moral|question mark over our escape.

I will never be able to repay you.

Oh, I don't know.|It's my turn, isn't it?

Yes, of course it is.

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