Guns Girls And Gambling

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Be right back.

The angels...

...not half so happy in heaven,

went envying her and me.

That was the reason as all men

know in this kingdom by the sea.

That the wind came out of

the cloud by night,

chilling...

and killing...

...my Annabel Lee.

What?

Wrong answer!

The White Man versus the Indians.

That's what we all learned in school.

But that's not entirely

accurate.

It was actually the

White Man versus the Indians...

versus the Indians.

You see, when the Europeans

first came to the New World,

the Indians viewed them

as just another tribe.

One to trade with, fight with,

or ally with

...against other Indians.

But the Europeans brought

with them something

that the Indians had

never seen before...

...and had no defense against.

And I'm not talking about guns and

disease and facial hair...

though that was true, too.

No,

I'm talking about GREED.

And soon, the Indian tribes

were being backstabbed

and treaties were being broken,

and whole peoples were being slaughtered

and moved onto reservations...

...and that was completely barren

and worthless.

And that was supposed to be the

end of the story.

Except for the fact

that the Europeans forgot that

greed is contagious.

And the Indian tribes,

along with Smallpox

and Whooping Cough,

had caught it...

and learned to wield it against

their conquerors.

Wichch is where I come in

Victim number 299 million

458 thousand,

327

There I am now.

Not a bad looking guy.

Ohhh!

Maybe that's not the best

place to start.

There we go. Much better.

So there I was.

At an Indian Gaming Casino.

Just passing through.

I was like an old West gun fighter

coming into town,

looking to right

past wrongs and make a fortune.

Except, of course..

I didn't have a gun or know

the first thing about fighting.

So I played the slots instead...

before realising I needed to

try my luck elsewhere.

Name, address, phone number.

What do you want my social too?

Sign here.

Good luck sir.

There Was

an Elvis impersonation contest...

...usually only a Vegas thing.

So on a whim,

I joined.

Talk like an angel,

but I got wise.

Your the Devil in Disguise.

Oh yes you are

Did okay.

Not enough to win or anything, but

okay enough to grab the attention of

a beautiful lady at the bar.

With your kisses

You cheated and you schemed.

John Smith lied to Chief Powhatan

about why he had come to the

New World in the first place...

that's why Pocahontas had to save him.

Ah ah, she was in love.

She was eleven.

I'm not eleven.

No, your ah...

...you're not.

Mmm.

Buy me another drink?

Mmm!

She seemed reelly interested in me

and I was pretty sure I knew

where this was going.

Unfortunately...

...life doesn't always

go the way you think it will.

As it turns out,

she was more

interested in what was in my wallet...

It was nice meeting you.

Than what was in my pants

Which is so ironic,

considering I don't keep

my money in my wallet.

Thank you!

So instead of a night of crazy wild sex,

I ended up playing poker

With a bunch of the Elvises

from the contest.

And not that Texas Hold Em bullshit

you see on TV where everyone

now thinks they're an expert.

No no, I'm talking about

good old fashioned

backroom, cigar smokin'

five card draw.

Oh, you're going down this time.

I like to go down.

I bet you do.

But I' m more worried about the Midget.

It's not Midget, a**hole.

It's "Little Person".

Oh, that's much better.

Midget is offensive...

but little person is okay?

Who decides these things?

Screw you, b*tch.

Are you in or not huh?

Well...

Last week my girlfriend of three years

decided playing doctor with her doctor,

kicked me out of the house and stole my dog.

Oh, that is just rude.

She said, "history would be

written without me. "

What's that mean?

Have no idea, so I just got in my car,

came down here,

got dissed by a girl at the bar, lost at slots,

and had my wallet stolen.

So hell yes boys, I am in.

Read 'em and weep.

Aces and sixes.

Ha! Unlucky in love,

unlucky in cards, b*tch.

Three deuces.

Little person, little hand.

Read 'em and weep boys.

Straight to the ten.

Yeah.

I don't think so.

Hail to the Queen! Baby.

Hell, well this is a game of Elvises.

We're going to hail to the King!

First you win the contest,

now you're taking all our money.

You know something we don't?

Yeah. How to pay cards.

I thought was strictly a Vegas thing,

what's the deal here?

Yeah well the Chief,

he has a thing for Mr. Presley.

The Chief? Who is the Chief?

The Chief, head of the tribe,

owner of the casino.

He worships the King almost as much as he does

his ancient Apache Warrior Mask.

This is our hotel!

We're all kings here.

We're VIP's.

Access to everything.

You didn't stand a chance in that contest.

Thanks very much.

So are we gonna play some more cards,

or is Mr. Miyagi still mad?

He might...

...chop, chop our heads. Hoi!

Oh, I get it I get it.

'Cause I'm Asian,

I must be Japanese,

I must do karate.

You know, that's really clever.

You got another one.

Yeah, your driving, it sucks.

You know, even though flying monkeys

scare the hell out of me,

I don' t give you a hard time

about the Wizard of Oz, do I?

Woo.

And if Whitey the Clan Member here

wants to bomb abortion clinics,

I don't try to stop him.

I mean, getting molested by a priest

can really screw a kid up.

Oh, what about you?

If I bend over, are you gonna fantasize

about my ass?

You going to "Queer Eye"

my apartment?

I wouldn't have a problem if you did

'cause that' s the kinda guy I am.

What are you looking at?

What are you some kind of

generic European hybrid?

Look man my ah...

My wallet and ID got stolen.

That's my story.

And now we took your money.

That's just terrible.

I now had no girl

No ID and no money.

But overall,

The Elvises seemed to be a pretty

good bunch of guys.

But, of course, looks can be

deceiving.

Ah, crap.

Guys! Guys! Take it easy!

Come on guys!

I know I do a really bad Elvis but

this is a little extreme huh?

And here we are again.

Well, no use stalling anymore.

Hey wait! Wait I though...

Native Americans are supposed

to be peace-loving, philosophy spouting,

protectors of nature?

That's a blatant stereotype.

The Apaches...

...are the most fearsome

warriors...

...the world has ever seen.

Wait! Ash! Wait!

Where's the mask?

What mask?

The ancient Apache Warrior Mask that you stole.

I didn't steal anything.

Who is he?

He doesn't have any ID on him.

My ID was stolen last night.

My wallet...

my ID everything.

You should really do something

about the security in this place.

You got these two...Allright! Allright!

Smith. John Smith.

Don't hit me again!

John Smith.

Well Mr. Smith,

an Elvis impersonator just stole the

Chief's sacred warrior mask.

You guys saw my performance

I'm the worst Elvis impersonator

that ever lived.

Where would I be hiding it?

In my pants?

The White Man has stolen this mask before.

And the Tribe...

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