Gus Page #3

---

Right.

We got vertigo.

Wow. Vertigo.

The...

Okay, Pete.

The view can only really...

Yep.

You know, be appreciated

when you look at it.

Hey, Pete. Okay.

I'm sporting baby trout right now.

I need a house that's

gonna make me hard.

Ciao, bella.

Whoo!

F*** you!

Look at my legumes.

Aren't they beauteous?

It looks like an engorged scrotum.

Yeah? Look at that.

Wow.

That looks like a good time.

Lizzie, do you have any

interviews lined up?

Uh, no, not yet.

We're not gonna make

our mortgage this month.

Are you sure?

Yeah, I'm sure.

I could start selling drugs again.

Yeah, not funny!

Come on, Joyce.

How much do you need?

I could ask my Dad.

Casey, don't get her riled up.

All right?

Come on. Yeah.

Seriously, I can make a call.

No, that's okay. Thanks.

Joyce, where's that ball?

Oh! That's a good dog.

Casey, outside!

All right?

What the hell is going on

in this house?

Come on, Joyce.

Get it.

Get it.

Hey, sweetie.

Mmm.

Will you sing for me?

Not tonight, hon.

I'm really tired.

Okay.

I love you.

Love you, too.

You know what?

I think we should just go

with Vanilla Dream. Hmm?

Mmm. Sounds like a porno color.

Honey, do you like this color for

the baby's room?

Where's Casey?

Uh.

I don't know.

He said he'd be back later.

Great.

He's probably with a girl.

You know, he's supposed to keep his

dick in his pants for the first year,

Honey, he might have just gone

to a meeting.

Whatever.

I'm gonna take a shower.

Peter?

Don't you think it's time we

just told him what's going on?

I mean, Andie's gonna

start showing soon.

Okay, I, I am gonna tell him,

but when the time is right.

I just don't want to

make him feel like

a bigger loser than he already is.

Peter! Than he already feels like,

that's what I meant.

I feel like I'm having a boy.

I hope he's gay.

Why?

Well, then when we dress

him up as a doll,

he won't be an a**hole about it.

Hey.

We're not dressing

him up like a doll.

He's not gonna be gay.

What if he is gay, Peter?

You're not gonna

love him then?

But I might be and he might

wind up being a butt pirate,

so you need to f***ing

come to terms with that.

Why are we even talking about it?

You're not gonna be part

of the child rearing!

Are you?

What?

What the f*** does that mean?

Lizzie, where are you going?

I'm just gonna go

do some gardening.

I know what you're gonna say.

I need you to get the threats

under control.

I know.

Sorry, I can't help it.

I'm sorry, did I wake you?

No.

Too tired to sleep.

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

Do you think you could

ask Andie for a loan?

If we really need to.

Thanks.

And if you see my testicles

hiding anywhere, let me know.

I'm gonna see you same

time next week, right?

Okay.

Hey, um, Justin,

do you have any friends

who might need tutoring?

I don't know.

Well, could you ask?

Because I can teach

English and Math, too.

Okay. Sure. See ya.

See ya.

Bon travail, aujourd'hui.

Oh! Gross!

It's still warm.

Peter!

Honey, come on!

We're gonna be late!

Be there in a sec! How many

pairs of shoes does he have?

It's like you married a little girl.

That's funny.

Okay.

All right, well.

All right.

Have fun.

Okay. Well, thanks Casey.

Be good.

Hey.

Hey.

Look at all the produce I got

at the farmer's market. Oh.

What's that?

This?

Yeah.

It's a kiwi. Oh, jeez.

Are you crazy?

Andie, I'm not gonna go

cutting into a kiwi!

Okay, freak. Peter! Come on!

We're gonna hit traffic!

Uh, hello!

Where are you going?

Oh. Right.

Peter's boss has given us his house

in Palm Springs for the weekend.

What?

Andie, would you calm down?

It's gonna be fine.

Well, that's easy

for you to say.

Andie, come on.

Sweetie, do we have

enough water?

Yeah, we have a whole

case full, honey.

You sure I shouldn't just get

someone to fix the gate?

No, no, no. I'm not paying

someone to fix it.

All right? I'll fix it

when we get back.

Everything's gonna be fine.

Hey, maybe I'll go halfsies with Casey

and get him eight ball, huh?

Splurge on some hookers.

Yeah. Come on, sweetie.

I want to beat traffic.

Don't forget to feed Joyce!

As if I'm not gonna...

Fine.

And we're off.

Hey.

Hey.

I'm gonna go to the store.

Do you want anything?

Milk, sugar, crystal meth?

What?

I'm sorry.

That is not funny.

I don't know why I just said that.

I'm gonna go.

Seriously, that was not fu...

Why don't you just put 'em

in the dishwasher?

I'm not allowed.

Under strict orders.

He's such a cheap bastard.

No, he's just going through

a hard time.

Yeah, but he's

a cheap bastard.

You ever meet your birth mom?

No.

I even tried to call her once,

but she didn't want to talk to me.

Maybe you should

just send her an e-mail.

Yeah, well, I can't.

She killed herself

on her 21st birthday.

Oh, my God.

That is so f***ed up.

I'm sorry, that's...

That is so not funny.

Do you like ping pong?

- Uh.

- Ooh!

All right, all right.

This is it, game point.

Serve it up.

Okay.

Hey, Casey,

Oh, you're so dead.

Watch out.

There's a DEA agent behind you!

Whoo!

You suck, motherf***er.

You talk a lot of smack.

At least I don't do a lot of smack.

Whoa, whoa.

Whoo!

Way out of line.

All right, all right. Let's bring it,

Sid Vicious. Yeah?

Show me what you got.

Yeah?

You got the skills

for this?

What? What?

Don't you fake me out.

Just having...

Oh!

Oh!

In the tit!

I just hit you in the tit.

That's so funny.

You got spoked!

I love curly straws, man.

Mmm.

Seriously, they make

every beverage taste better.

Totally.

Here.

What? No.

I want you to have it.

No.

No, it's your curly straw.

I can't take that.

Seriously, I want you to have it.

No.

Take it.

Okay.

Wow.

Wow, man.

I just want you to know that whenever

I suck on this I'm gonna think of you.

Mmm.

Oh, yeah, f***.

Holy f***.

Oh, my God.

You're licking my balls.

You're licking my f***ing balls.

You are such an awesome person.

Oh, my God.

That's it.

That's it.

Oh, my God.

How do you know? You're

like reading my f***ing mind.

Oh.

You're like a sexual clairvoyant.

Oh, my God! Yeah.

Faster.

Faster.

Not the head push.

I hate the head push.

No. Yep, you got it.

No head push.

Here I am.

Oh, that's it.

Oh, that's it.

Oh, faster.

What the f***?

No hands, no hands.

Uh-huh.

Oh, my God!

I'm gonna f***ing come.

Oh, I'm gonna f***ing come.

Holy f***!

I'm f***ing coming!

I'm gonna come right...

Holy f***!

- What the f*** are you doing?

- Oh!

Oh, f***!

Oh, f***!

Oh!

Jesus!

Oh, my God.

Get the f*** out of here!

You get the f*** out of here!

It's my f***ing house!

Oh! Andie, what are you doing?

Did you swallow?

I told you it was a bad idea

to leave them alone.

Because you thought

they'd do drugs together,

not because she'd turn

into Fellatio Alger!

Who? I think she meant

Horatio Alger.

Horatio Alger. He wrote about the

American dream in the 19th century.

You can read? Oh, my God.

I'm so well read.

I told you he shouldn't stay here.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes