Hacks Page #2

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Micah Todd, off the telly!

'The doctor got me an appointment.'

'She stopped self-harming.

She just harms other people now.'

'That's a bad sign.'

'He was killed by friendly fire.'

'Mum's taken those pills again,

and I can't wake her up!'

F***! What do you mean

she's a reporter?

But what did you tell her?

Honestly, I've never met

anyone like her.

(MIMICS PRIME MINISTER)

Yes, it's the Prime Minister.

The Prime Minister.

No, no, no. I always get that.

Look, I require a copy of my

medical records, urgently.

No, Connor, it'll be fine.

It's just one rogue reporter.

Zoe, keys!

Looks like someone died

in a car crash.

Look, Oliver, I'm sorry.

No, don't be sorry!

Go down on your knees and thank me!

You wanted something big

to divert from the royal hacking.

Well, Crimewatch presenters

Chrissie Walters and Dan Goss.

Friday night, we pinged them

at the same flat.

Saturday morning,

a mysterious accident broke

the blind in the bedroom.

Saturday night, they obliged us.

I've got, oh, 100 photos

of them on the job.

And they're both married.

Yes, Oliver, to each other.

What?

You photographed a married

couple having sex.

But they've got different surnames!

How very unfair of them(!)

Come on, there must be some way

we can use them?

The photos are great!

"Celebrity has sex with wife."

Oh, actually, that is unusual!

You're f***ing enjoying this,

aren't you?

No, Oliver, I... Oh, I am, actually!

Good morning, Miss Loy.

Zoe, f***ing wink at me again,

and I'll destroy your career,

your health and your sanity.

Sorry!

I know, I know. Don't cry.

Oh, message.

Rav says the fat man told him the

cops have arrested Charlie Bollocks.

Kate.

Have you not heard of e-mail?

No, I know you've got the

bollocks to print this...

Oh, great! The story

that got Kenny fired.

I can see what everyone's

doing on their computer!

This story stands up!

Not without a phone!

Oliver's watching Billie Piper

naked on YouTube.

Come on! I was nice when you were

the squirt bringing the coffee!

Why not hack phones

like everyone else?

Cos...

They're celebs! Anyone with

a publicist has got it coming!

It's not that!

It's too easy.

Any bastard could do it.

The kids out there don't learn

the real skills any more.

They don't get proper stories!

You run a course in going through

dustbins and impersonating undertakers!

I gave the body back, didn't I?

All I'm saying...

F*** it! Ray, you're fired!

What? Goodbye. Rav!

I've got a story for you.

"Crimewatch couple's agony

over internet sex photos."

Ooh! What internet sex..?

These ones.

Stick them on the internet.

'Don't tell anybody... '

' 'I tried not to cry.

'I didn't want that to be

the last thing you heard.'

They didn't run the story

on Sunday,

so looks like we might have

got away with it.

'I said can we hold a funeral,

'but they said,

"No, not without a body."'

'I've booked us a room

at the usual place... '

I brainstormed the Channel 100

takeover with Trent.

Enzyme milkshake, baby. He thought it

should be me that made the announcement.

Tony and Cherie called.

Do we still want to go to the movie?

Oh, Jesus Christ!

Tell them I've had a stroke.

I say you have jet lag.

Dad, have you revisited my thoughts

about you slowing down a bit?

About maybe pencilling in

a timetable...

Connor, I've decided on a timetable.

Oh, great.

I'm going to slow down a bit

after I'm dead.

Anything else you want to discuss?

He's gay, he's younger than

his partner, he's in a boat.

What's wrong with it.

Toyboy Ahoy In Gay Away Day.

I think that's offensive.

You, Oliver Bland, think

something's offensive?

Oh, I get it.

He's one of your celebrity pals.

No. We are mates, yes, but...

Byron. You're gay.

You don't find it offensive, do you?

Oh, still not out. Oh well,

I've saved you the trouble.

I'm pushing this story up

to page two.

Ray, you're not fired.

So, the Fergie colonic irrigation

explosion story... anyone?

We are about to get a police raid.

Who told you?

The police.

We should tell Connor.

So, Connor, you're not telling me

to get rid of this stuff?

So, Kate, you're not ordering me

to get rid of it

but you'd just like it to happen.

Sod off, Oliver. You must be joking.

I'll do it.

Just put it in writing.

So you're saying take this

stuff downstairs and hide it?

We're not exactly saying it.

No, it's more of a...

"Why don't you?"

OK.

Why me?

Erm...

Because...

Because it's a tradition.

A tradition?

A tradition when

we take someone on full-time.

Oh, wow, that's great!

I never thought. That's brilliant.

The cops are coming!

We are in such sh*t.

I don't think so.

OK, everyone, stay calm.

Could someone look just

a little bit surprised?

I'm arresting your

royal correspondent.

There's a pile of evidence this big.

It's going to take that poor

work-experience lad months to read.

Darling, I'm a personal friend

of Princess Michael of Kent.

And I'm a personal friend

of Princess Gary of Essex.

(HIGH-PITCHED)

Hi, can I speak to Michael, please?

It's Janet.

Janet Jackson.

His sister, Janet Jackson.

Who is this? Hello?

Why does that f***ing chimp

always have to answer the phone?

Now, the geezer who did the hacking.

Nothing has been proven.

Have it your way.

The geezer who allegedly

did the hacking.

Charlie the Hacker

AKA Charles Dodge.

AKA Dodgy, AKA Well-Dodgy,

AKA Charlie Bollocks.

Now, he had a notebook

with the private mobile numbers

of several thousand celebrities.

Sienna Miller, Hugh Grant,

Prince William, several lords,

half the Cabinet.

Even Jackiey Goody.

Can you explain that?

Well...

Maybe they were...

His... friends?

Fair enough.

Sorry?

Fair enough. That's probably it.

You're accepting that explanation?

You're the ones

that know about all this.

Can I say,

your paper is bang dead-on

about the police being

proper kebabbed by red tape.

There's a couple of villains

I'm trying to get a wiretap on.

The forms you've got to fill in

just to hack their mobiles!

Strangely, by coincidence,

I have their names

on a piece of paper

in a pocket of my coat.

I'm off for a wazz.

Zoe! Is he Officer Filthy?

Didn't recognise him without

the courgette stuffed up his...

Did you put him onto this case?

There's a piece of paper in that

jacket. Get it out, would you?

Give that to Rav.

Oh, do I get another promotion?

Don't push your luck.

'But you said he died on 9/11?'

'Mum, when are you coming home?

I'm getting a bit scared.'

'Don't worry, I'll get

another super-injunction.'

Sorry, Mr Feast.

I do know how much

you've invested in China but...

I'm sure the Chinese government

will be very grateful.

Kate?

I'm sorry, but we just can't

nail a thing on the Dalai Lama.

Well, he doesn't have a mobile.

We tried, but he just

said that worldly

possessions were like

smoke in a mirror, so...

A slanty-eyed c*nt to you,

the reincarnation of the Lord Buddha

to his followers.

Obviously, we'll keep... Argh!

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