Hacks Page #3

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Kate, I rather think

I've got a front page.

A husband having sex with his wife?

Micah Todd.

He's cheating on his wife.

Is he?

Oh, yes, he is.

I expect you want to ask me

who with.

Who with?

With...

Tracey Potts,

sizzling singing sensation.

Evidence?

Phone messages from last week,

a tape of the matter,

and Tracey will tell

her side of it for 20K.

What does she say he said?

The usual... "My marriage is over,

I love you, you're the one,"

"can you get any more of my dick

in your mouth?"

And Kate, I'd value your opinion.

Shall we try and get Micah to talk?

No.

He might try and sell his side of it

to a Saturday.

So, big surprise for Micah

on Sunday morning!

Hmm!

By the way, Kate,

can I say how very much I'm enjoying

working with you as my editor?

Letter for you, marked "Personal".

That's Jeremy Clarkson's

house over there.

Who?

He's...

Never mind.

That barn you can see over there

is originally 13th-century.

No offence, David,

but I don't give a flying f***

if Queen Victoria had a threesome in

there with Stanley and Livingstone.

Stanny, you are a rude man!

Ho Chi Mao, you'll want to help

Samantha butter those scones.

I never liked Britain's

obsession with the past.

Much more interested

in your vision of the future.

Particularly regarding, say,

takeovers of, say, Channel 100.

They'll probably want

a man to open the jam.

What can I say?

We absolutely believe

in a lightness of touch

when it comes to government.

Businesses express themselves

better without...

Prime Minister David Bullingdon.

It's got a ring to it, hasn't it?

Prime Minister David Bullingdon

welcomed the US President

to Number Ten.

Prime Minister David Bullingdon

was re-elected

with a huge majority.

Go on, you try one.

Prime Minister David Bullingdon

said the takeover didn't need to

go before the Monopolies

and Mergers Committee.

I think my editors will decide

to support you at the next election,

Prime Minister Bullingdon.

The Micah-Tracey thing

happened four months ago.

Yeah.

You said you had phone messages

from last week. Yeah. No...

We got hold of them last week.

They're from four months ago.

Is there a problem?

You're not...

You're not personally involved in

this one or anything are you, Kate?

What the hell is that?

Guns for sale

on British streets story.

I've an M16 machine gun in the car.

Is this real?

Real and loaded.

Careful.

Kate.

You're fired,

and that goes for anyone

who's too hoity-toity to use

the technology available to us.

One day they'll work it out.

What?

My support doesn't win the election,

I support who's going to win.

You could have f***ing

discussed it with me.

That you were going to

f***ing support Bullingdon.

Didn't know until I did it.

I have high self-esteem, Dad,

but if you constantly undermine it,

I'll be in a bad place when I'm

in decision-making situations.

Jesus Christ, are

you really my son?

A sociologist must have f***ed

your mother behind my back.

Dad!

You've had it too easy.

Three years I was at Cambridge,

three years of public schoolboys

taking the piss out of my accent.

Three years of

"Here comes the sheep-shagger."

All those posh little bleeders.

David bloody Bullingdon.

I'm going to piss in his pond.

I've not heard that expression.

No, I'm going to piss in his pond.

Join me, son?

(UNZIPS FLY)

Oh, Jesus!

Oh!

I used to wear Timberland,

not Christian Louboutin

during my foot-in-the-door days!

I didn't know it happened

four months ago.

I thought...

God, I think you've broken my foot.

Yeah, I f***ing hope so.

Come on!

I was just another notch

on your bedpost.

Come on, didn't you

read my letter to you?

I...

I shredded it.

Your lot hacked into my phone,

didn't they?

I'm going to sue your arse

into the ground.

Put that in your shredder.

Hey, Byron! Our weather forecast

is depressing. I want less rain.

And the phone hacking

is causing a lot of sh*t.

From now on, you absolutely have to

stop telling me you're doing it.

It's about 90 seconds.

Just read me the transcript.

"Christ, oh, Jesus Christ,

I saw the body.

"My boy, my little boy.

I can't bear"

"to think of what he went through,

how he'd have called my name. I..."

Inaudible, due to crying.

"Jesus Christ... " Inaudible.

"If it wasn't for the baby

I'd slit my..."

Inaudible due to crying

for approximately 45 seconds.

Phone message ends.

Nothing new. Can't use any of that.

We'll go with Jordan's

boob reduction.

Hang on, didn't I fire you?

You un-fired me.

I lose track.

(MIMICS GERMAN ACCENT) It was God's

will I was chosen as the new Pope

because, Mr Bono, I very much wish

to hear your confession, my child.

LINE GOES DEAD:

Hello?

It's worth a try.

For f***'s sake, Ellie...

latte, not a cappuccino.

So you're just about to pay 200,000 of

my money to a retarded Algerian tranny

so she can tell your

readers how she wanked

off a retarded Welsh

poof live on TV?

Big Brother sells papers.

Christ, why can't you get this

sort of stuff on the Dalai Lama?

He didn't go for the hookers...

This is what happens

when you put

glorified gossip columnists

in charge of a bloody paper!

We're still...

You assured me you could neutralise

any publicity regarding

phone hacking.

There's posh pinko poofters queuing

round the block to f*** us on this.

Dad, it'd be strategically judicious

if you absented yourself

from discussions

pertaining to phone hacking

settlements.

All right, all right.

Get me f***ing Mussolini, then.

Would that be President Berlusconi,

Mr Feast?

That's the one.

We're being advised to settle,

particularly in the case

of Micah Todd.

F*** that, offer 20 grand max.

That won't be enough.

Bullshit,

we can string this out for...

Jesus Christ, what is this?

Micah's lawyers got hold

of an e-mail from the

newsroom to Charlie listing

numbers we hacked.

Sort of kills our defence

of the one rogue reporter.

I don't give a sh*t.

I won't be f***ing blackmailed.

This is going to have no f***ing

influence whatsoever

on my final decision, which is

to offer an out-of-court settlement

of anything up to a million.

So what did you say?

Dad, maybe you should trust me more.

One day I'm going to be in charge.

Yeah.

God help us.

Jesus Christ, Dad.

OK, OK, I didn't have to fight

the world to get where I am,

but I had to fight you,

and that's harder.

I took up golf.

I dumped Fatima.

I kept quiet when George Bush shot

me by mistake on that hunting trip.

What the f*** else

can I do to please you?

(CHUCKLES)

That Condi Rice

and her cheeky texts.

I wouldn't mind bending her over

one of her cruise missiles.

What?

Nothing.

Mr Feast, I withdrew the offer

for the Big Brother story.

Why? You said it sells papers.

I thought you had more balls.

What? Micah Todd, he said

no to a million pounds.

Says he wants to see us in court.

'He was killed by friendly fire.'

'Stay with him tonight and when you

come back, I'll have killed myself.'

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