Hacks Page #4

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'Come on, just one little gram.

You must have some personal.'

'How much did they pay you for it?'

'Coffin was so tiny.'

You may be suing me

but I'm suing you.

Go home, Kate.

Your stairs are unsafe.

I know you're taking us down,

but I don't mind.

Good. You should be going home.

You pretend to be hard to survive, then

it becomes habit and you just, ah,

and then something's dead

but it's not dead enough.

Kate.

I hear their voices.

The hacked messages.

All the bad ones.

The dead children,

the dead soldiers.

The ones who are trying

to kill themselves.

Every time I close my eyes

they come for me.

I haven't slept for ten days.

Never let them see you cry.

You know I'm still going...

Going to court? It's fine.

See, same suit.

I don't care any more.

Kate. What?

Nothing.

You sure?

The page one headline will read

"TV Micah's Six-Stone Daughter

Self-Harm Hell."

Or you can settle

and take a million pounds.

I went through your computer

while you slept. Obviously.

How could I be so stupid?

How did you fool me

with that performance?

Because it's all true.

In another world,

you and me could...

But hey, we're in this one.

Sorry!

(MOCK ACCENT) Hello.

Yes, it's Desmond.

Desmond Tutu.

The Archbishop, yes.

Hello.

Should I call you Dalai or Mr Lama?

Got it.

Got it.

Not so loud.

Micah calling an ambulance,

his daughter buying drugs,

all with photos and phone...

What happened?

A wine bottle.

Someone hit you with a wine bottle?

Yeah, me. I did.

We're not running that story.

What? I gave you the story,

I'm taking it away.

I spent ages...

We spike stories, get used to it.

One of the paedophiles we named and

shamed says he's a paediatrician.

Seems to think it's our fault

he got beaten up by a mob.

Serves him right for doing a job

that sounds like paedophile.

He's threatening a class action

together with a pedalo salesman.

Ray?

I'll save you the bloody trouble.

I resign.

Hire some teenager who can press

buttons on a mobile.

I was only going to say...

Miss Loy? I'd like

to apply for Ray's job.

F*** off, Zoe. You're about

12-years-old.

I like ambitious women

but just slow down a bit, eh?

Then I'll leave. Goodbye.

And Mystic Marilyn, you're fired.

I expect you already knew that.

David, it'd obviously

be inappropriate

to ask about our Channel 100

takeover bid.

I'm glad you're not mentioning it,

but I don't see any problems.

It would help to have

a full rebuttal

of the hacking charges

against The Comet.

There's nothing in that.

That's good enough for me.

I think you'll find

that's yesterday's news,

just like your privacy legislation.

Dad, the conversation we had

about the out-of-court settlement...

I think it might be wise

if you forget about that?

Which conversation

about the settlement?

Exactly.

No, which conversation?

Which conversation?

When we talked about how much to

offer in an out-of-court settlement.

Right.

You remember.

I remember now.

So you'll forget about it.

I've only just bloody remembered it.

Better up the dose

of that snake blood.

It's not snake blood.

Monkey blood.

Medically proven.

Just accept it.

He's going to die one day.

Maybe, maybe not.

You look like you haven't

slept for a week.

It's a full-time job saying

how wonderful you are.

I was wondering whether you'd like

to do that on a permanent basis.

I need a new press secretary.

That's an enormous honour. Thank you.

You think about that.

I will, and congratulations

on the baby.

What baby?

Oh.

Er... I'm just very intuitive

about these things.

I thought Samantha might be,

but it's probably nothing.

Probably nothing.

One of our very finest.

What you got in there

on the Dalai Lama?

I know everyone has a dirty secret

but he doesn't. He's...

Ha. So you really tried?

Yes.

F*** it, that was a wind-up!

Do you know how hard it is

to find devout Buddhist lap-dancers?

OK, OK, calm it down.

I hear they've all settled.

The phone hacking's gone away now.

Connor says, "Why get the paper?

It's quicker to read on a laptop."

It's not the same.

Exactly. Newspaper woman. Catherine,

come and stay with the family

over Christmas.

Thank you.

I'm renting a little island

in the West Indies.

Really?

Jamaica.

MULTIPLE PHONE MESSAGE ALERTS

Sh*t.

Zoe just f***ing quits and takes

all this sh*t to another paper.

Kate wouldn't promote her.

What do we got on her?

Help us out here, Oliver.

You're the one who slept with her.

F***ing f***.

Can't you f***ing f***ers

f***ing stop f***ing f***ing?

I had no idea the families

of dead soldiers were hacked.

I had no idea the phones

of murder victims were hacked.

What about the 7/7 victims?

The victims of the 7/7 bombings?

I had no idea they were hacked.

Every paper. They're being

so horrible about my baby.

Jesus Christ, you'd think

there wasn't any other news.

Where's a bloody tsunami

when you need one? David.

You two, keep it zipped.

Seen all this stuff, I suppose.

Fart in a thimble. Everyone who reads

the Guardian hates us already, eh?

Do you hear Piers Morgan

is suing us?

He's outraged his phone

hasn't been hacked.

He's outraged his phone

HASN'T been hacked.

Right, I must just have a word

with Nelson Mandela.

Nelson Mandela.

Well, should see some of the sh*t

we've got on him.

So, happy, Ray?

Proved right.

No.

All this sanctimony is bollocks

and for what?

Bit of eavesdropping.

Is anyone dying of starvation?

The Catholic priests

raping children,

how long was that on the front page?

Still, if I were you, I wouldn't say

that in front of the committee.

They're ashamed.

Ashamed they were scared of us

so now they're going to destroy us.

It's like Gaddafi or Saddam

or Charlie Sheen.

What's this "us"?

I thought you'd resigned.

I've unresigned.

I'm not leaving a sinking ship.

Why, do you want to fire me?

No, hang on.

What committee?

VOICES ECHO:

The Commons Committee

that wants to interview

you, Stanhope and Connor.

They are going...

Can you all just f*** off,

I've got my eyes open, haven't I?

Yeah, what?

Even Eamonn Holmes didn't

laugh at your jokes.

We're in deeper sh*t than I thought.

I think he needs to address

the despicable practices

at his papers before he thinks of

taking anything over.

As I've always said, the

stranglehold of the British media

by a virtual megalomaniac

has to be stopped.

A few overheard conversations.

In the '60s, we used to bug...

Dad, don't say it. Not even here.

Remember that tape of Jeffrey Archer

and that midget that was running

around the Tory Conference?

No, I don't, and nor should you.

OK, let's go.

We need to stop firewalling

the royal correspondent

and firewall the

whole of The Comet.

Better leave the

Goddamn Comet alone.

My first ever paper, that was.

Stanny, calm.

I used to read the first edition

in bed on a Saturday Night.

Print used to come

off on the sheets.

You should close it.

What?

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