Hacks Page #5

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What?

It's hard to investigate something

that no longer exists.

I thought you were

a newspaper woman.

She's right. Protect yourself.

F***ers.

I think they made a human pyramid.

We can't go in front

of that committee.

I'm cool with the media,

but they'll f***ing murder Dad.

You're saying that'd

be advantageous for me?

You're saying let the shareholders

see him how he is.

You're saying they'll want me

in charge.

I feel, given the distraction

of the media attention on me,

I should offer you this.

Your advice is too

valuable an asset.

I can't accept this resignation.

LIFT PINGS:

'Going up.'

Turning to you, Mr Stanhope Feast,

do you wish to make an apology

to this committee?

So, you want me

who created a company worth

billions out of nothing

to apologise to you

bunch of forthright f***ers

who spend your lives fiddling

your expenses over duck houses?

Jesus Christ.

OK, OK.

Let's stop there.

You've got a bloody cheek,

you little arsehole.

Baby, baby. It's rehearsal.

Dad, just try the statement.

In Japan, when a company

is at fault,

their chief executive bows in...

chief executive bows

in deep humility

and I should like to do that...

You're shitting me?!

'I'm glad you asked me that.'

It's a good question

and an important one

and one where I feel

that I can really...

Can I just say that in Japan,

when a company is at fault...

the chief executives bow

in deep humility...

and I would like to do that now.

That's about as far as I can get.

Did anyone tell you

that your company was paying out

1 million out-of-court settlements?

No.

Surely Kate Loy in her

frequent conversations with you

should have mentioned it?

That's another excellent question.

I think I might be able to help.

Without in any way

implicating Kate Loy,

I can tell you that she has offered

me this letter of resignation

and I with regret have accepted it.

Oi! Get back!

Stanhope Feast, you're a liar!

(SCREAMS)

(GROANS)

What the bloody hell do you think

you're up to, you little bastard?

What? You can't accept Kate's

resignation without telling me.

Didn't know I was going to until

I did it. We had to cut her loose.

Was it your decision

to get rid of me?

Of course it bloody was.

You think that could happen without

me, you f*** up? You ship out.

Stannie?

Our share price went up

during the hearing.

Huh.

What?

"Share price rose 6%

bolstered by the belief

"Connor Feast was close

to taking over the company"

"from his ageing father."

Of course, this is

Stanhope bloody Feast.

Now, listen. There is

this one great reporter

you should definitely snap up.

His name is Rev Musharraf.

That's M-U...

Is that the best

they can come up with?

Call themselves journalists.

On the plus side,

they have shat in your drawer.

Oh.

So... That's our final headline?

It should have been,

"We made our excuses and left."

Oh, still here, Oliver?

I hear there's a warrant

out for your arrest.

Yes.

As we've often said in the paper,

prison's like a luxury hotel

these days.

The police'll get you too.

Ah, no. Well, that's

where you're wrong.

I saw this coming a long time ago.

There is nothing

incriminating me on paper

and if anyone tries

to take me down with them...

Well, who's going to believe

a Comet journalist?

So, think of me sipping champers

as you're being gang-banged

by giant, bearded lesbians.

You can't wind me up.

I know what's going to happen

and I accept it.

Very Buddhist.

Get that from the Dalai Lama?

The 7/7 victims...

even I never knew about that.

Was it you who hacked them?

Oh, yes.

Oh, well. At times like this,

you find out who your friends are.

I already know.

I haven't got any.

It don't have to be

Connor who take over.

He will kick you out.

No.

He hate you. No, no.

He's my boy.

At least this Scandinavian,

mass-murdering, nut-job

will keep us off

the front page for a few days.

Yes.

Stannie, you had nothing

to do with him and...

No, of course I bloody didn't.

Jesus. What do you think I am?

Jesus.

Love you, baby.

Jesus.

What I've seen, Ray,

what I've done...

You're drunk, then?

I've persuaded two Blue Peter

presenters to sell me drugs.

I have thrown up

on Princess Diana of Wales's carpet

when I was pretending to be a

bulimic to get into her confidence.

I've heard a president cry.

I'd seen the Dalai Lama

break-dance.

I've seen the c*cks of three MPs.

One of them a woman.

And now I'm not

that person any more...

and the voices will stop...

and I'll finally sleep.

Bloody hell, Kate.

I didn't think you had it in you.

People can change.

That's one thing I've learnt from...

You don't want to run your David

Burlingham drugs in the '80s story?

What? You've put the final edition

to bed.

Mate, that spoof, in case Connor

checks in, we do a second edition.

There's no real proof.

Who're they going to sue?

OK!

We'll be in prison already.

Apart from bleeding Oliver.

Well...

What?

I did tape the conversation Ray

admitted to phone hacking 7/7 victims.

Just in case.

You taped it? Very old school.

I thought you'd gone all, um...

Shall I text him and tell him

what I've done?

I think I should.

So... only Connor's going to escape.

Well...

What? I can prove he lied.

How?

Hacked his phone.

I couldn't go through life

without giving it a try.

I think this is going to be a very

collectible final edition.

Let's put all the ones that

always stopped in it.

Kate, you realise they'll murder you.

You could stop now.

I could. But... I'm me.

RANDOM VOICE:

They're arresting Kate Loy!

RANDOM VOICE:
The other papers

are at it soon.

Stanhope Feast's stepping down.

Jesus, when I said pixelate

his bottom

I meant Prince Andrew,

not the camel.

Then you can't see the suitcase

of money.

Is this paper really going

to hit the streets?

It has.

Big old softie.

Where's that f***ing helicopter?

What's he doing now?

Stanhope! Look. Proper papers.

The newsprint comes off on your

hands. See?

OK. I want a list of countries

where we have media interest

but with no extradition treaty

with the UK.

The first edition.

I'm not living in f***ing Paraguay!

Go back to Wang Bang, the cadmium

capital of Mongolia. Let's go.

The British press will never

be the same again.

You're bloody right. It wasn't.

What do you mean,

he won't defend me?

He defended Slobodan

f***ing Milosevic.

What about the guy who

got OJ Simpson off?

Too sad.

Yeah, Max, I was willing to give you

first chance on my prison diaries.

If you want lesbians,

there'll be lesbians.

Then I thought I might find

religion.

70k? You are f***ing joking.

Hello again, Officer.

Read the papers this morning?

Why? No reason.

Left me behind, have you,

you bastards?!

Oi.

You lot. You, down there.

All your bloody fault.

Bastards who bought my paper.

Sitting there with your

Sunday morning hangover,

with your obese wife and your kids

just come in from a night of looting,

getting a hard-on reading about

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