Hai-Alarm am Muggelsee

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Public lido, Friedrichshagen, Berlin

Mouth organ:
Leander Haumann

Guitar:
Sven Regener

What's going on here then?

40 years earlier

Ho Chi Minh Zoo and animal supplies

Guppies?

What do you want with guppies?

Here.

This is the next big thing,

the only one of its kind!

Some sort of shark, but small.

It won't gm:
any more,

and it doesn't do anything.

There he is.

Three years later

Another three years go by

Kids, do me a favour

and look after the poor creature.

Owning a pet means

assuming responsibility.

Hawaii, 34 years later

that's today

well kind of like before,

when the hand thing happened

Damn phantom limb pain.

Where the sun always shines

and there's never a shark to be seen.

Terrible is the shark,

splendid is Hawaii

With no green card

you'll save enough on tax

To buy a houseboat big

enough for you and I

And sail once halfway

around the world.

Lonely is the hunter,

lovely is the roe

The sun that shines all day long

will sometime melt the snow

And what you said

will hurt no more

In Friedrichshagen

by Lake Mggel on the shore.

Sharks are in the water

and people are on land,

But not every hunter

gladly wears the green.

Sharks have gills,

and people have ears

And once I pledged

you eternal love.

Muddy is the Havel,

happy is the Spree

When the ship runs aground,

the cap'n's had a shot in his tea.

And what you said

will hurt no more

In Friedrichshagen

by Lake Mggel on the shore.

Shark Alarm on Lake Mggel

Where is my child?

Hold it, hold it there,

we'll take everything.

Main thing is that the battery holds.

Surf Paddle School

Inauguration Party

Ladies and gentlemen

of Friedrichshagen...

This is where he hangs around

and I'm worried sick.

Ladies and gentlemen

of Friedrichshagen...

We've come over from Kpenick.

Aren't we all Berliners?

Yes, that's right, we are all Berliners,

but Friedrichshagen is not Berlin,

just a part of Berlin,

and, as such, is Friedrichshagen.

Therefore, ontologically speaking,

the Friedrichshagener

isn't primarily a Berliner,

but more

in a secondary

and tertiary sense.

Because Friedrichshagen

actually belongs to Kpenick,

and Kpenick to Berlin.

And Friedrichshagen is to Kpenick

as Santa Monica is to Hollywood.

I'd prefer to think of it

as the Vatican is to Rome.

And therefore,

as I was saying,

Surf-paddling was invented

in Friedrichshagen

and by extension also in Kpenick

and therefore also in Berlin,

So...

I'd like to declare the Surf-Paddling

School of Friedrichshain...

Friedrichshagen,

I mean Friedrichshagen...

to mm be open!

Let me take the first paddle.

Give it some Welly, Klaus!

So what do you say about this?

Why me?

- You're the Mayor.

But it's not my hand...

What do you think?

Strong stuff!

What's with him?

- That's Klaus Dogma.

He was once the coming man

of Norwegian film.

Is he Norwegian?

- No.

No, but he took everything too

personally the hits, the ops...

Look at this crab!

Or is it a jellyfish?

Starfish?

The Friedrichshagener is seen as an

oddball, since he can't be pigeonholed.

And that's hm! he comes by his

love of life, in my opinion.

The Friedrichshagener is the

Italian of the Berliners.

Although we're more

east than south here.

It's that Mediterranean lifestyle

that makes us so easy-going.

What d'you think? This it?

Just take a look at that!

So we're off again?

Yes. Cheeri off you go.

Should we look for something else?

- I wouldn't know what.

We saw that old car.

Should we take a closer look at it?

Old car? Where?

Corner of BIschestrae and

Myliusgarten.

If you must. Have a look.

So what was it,

a circular saw?

Circular saw? Underwater?

Where'd it get the electricity?

It takes 380 volts.

You won't get that underwater.

I know something about this.

I made honor films

in New York.

A circular saw gives a straight cut,

not a ragged mess like this.

D'you want this back?

Nope. Too late.

I've got the new one now.

It's a good one.

If it wasn't a circular saw,

what was it?

Whatever it was,

it's still out there, I reckon.

Perhaps now we should consider

the city's marketing point of view.

There are three possibilities

of dealing with this situation

with the city's branding in mind:

a) we issue a shark alarm

or b) we carry on as before

c) no one goes in the water

but in a positive way.

Any questions?

What I don't get is,

if we carry on as before,

what use is that to us?

You mean b)?

- Yes, b).

That's plan b) and doesn't come

into question, yet.

I like shark alarm.

That's a).

Shark alarm?

Just for my hand?

Then c).

Or d).

- d) doesn't exist.

And who are you exactly?

I am the Fish Expert

from Humboldt University.

I've been called up.

- Not by me.

No, by my wife,

but that's another story.

What I wanted to say was:

d) someone catches the carp.

- Carp? I thought it was a shark.

Carp doesn't work.

It has no traction

marketing-wise.

- It's a Bighead Carp.

They bite?

- No.

Yes, well...

the Bighead Carp

is a sociable, freshwater fish

from the carp family

that came from Asia in the '60s

Then I'm for c).

- Me too.

What was c) again?

C):
No one goes in the water,

but positive!

Hooold on!

What's this nun?

Just look at you!

Is this a gay parade or what?

Got something against gays?

- Got something against gays?

What, me? Against gays?

Would I have a hand like this

if I had something against gays?

What are you doing there,

Mrs Schneider? - I'm swimming.

That's not good. Better come out.

- Why is that not good?

I'm not saying that in a bad sense,

I mean it positively!

- I've been doing this for 60 years,

Officer Mller!

- Won't you let me finish?

Do I have to be constantly interrupted?

What's that?

- Bathing's...!

I don't hear so well with

this bathing hat.

Bathing is not good!

Water isn't good for you!

Why isn't it good?

- It isn't now.

Do I have to explain everything?

- Yes please!

It's because water really

doesn't solve the problem.

What problem is that then?

- Can't a man talk in peace?

Can't a man follow a complex train

of thought to its logical conclusion?

Just how often is it not true that

the decisive thought

doesn't arrive at the exact

moment of formulation?

Gay is not only not bad, gay is good,

as I've always said.

That's it, and so it will remain,

my friend.

I just don't know why it shouldn't

also be good to be straight,

but there you go these days

you can be as gay as you want.

Hey! You there!

Pet's comer!

The skin suffers.

The skin suffers terribly.

Ask a dermatologist.

I've been doing this for 60 years,

every day,

whether Nazis or Communists.

Now look at your skin,

Mrs Schneider:
wrinkles everywhere!

I actually wanted to get out

a while ago,

but now I'll swim a bit more.

Just for you.

Before, everyone thought

all lifeguards were gay,

just because we're so good looking,

but there you go why not,

it's all the same to me.

Can we go in the water nun?

The question is something

else completely:

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