Hail the Conquering Hero Page #2

in Oak Ridge, California.

Did you know your father got

the Congressional Medal of Honor?

I grew up with it.

They hung it on me.

Is that where she lives,

Oak Ridge?

Who?

Your mother.

Sure. You ought to be

ashamed of yourself.

It's an honor to meet you,

kid. What's your name?

Woodrow Lafayette

Pershing Truesmith.

Go ahead and laugh.

That ain't anything to laugh

at to anyone who knows anything.

Boys, I want you to shake hands with

Hinky Dinky Truesmith's boy, Woodrow.

Corporal Candida.

How do you do?

Privates

First Class Swenson...

Swenson, glad to know you.

Jones...

Jones.

Gillette.

Gillette, how you doing?

My name is Heppelfinger. Julius.

And you can just call me Sarge.

Set them up. Excuse me.

Certainly, Sarge.

I guess you never got to know

your father very well, huh?

Well, not exactly,

as he fell the day I was born.

That's right.

It's hard to realize.

He was a fine-looking fellow.

He didn't look anything

like you at all.

I know. We've got a picture

of him at home and...

This is Bugsy Walewski.

Pleased to meet you.

Can I borrow 50 cents?

Listen, after a guy's

bought you... Sure, go ahead.

You ought to be

ashamed of yourself.

He ought to be ashamed of himself

for treating his mother that way.

He never had any mother.

He's from a home.

He's a little screwy, too.

He's all right. He just got a little

shot up, that's all. Nothing serious.

So, you're Hinky Dinky's boy.

I travel 100,000 miles and

run into Hinky Dinky's boy.

He was a brave kid.

Not quite as old as you are.

I know. I...

There was 16 of us,

see, in this wood.

There'd be a German right

there, and you'd be right here,

and he couldn't see you,

and you couldn't see him.

Then, all of a sudden, almost right

under your feet, you'd hear the...

Oak Ridge.

Well, sure I know her number,

but isn't it kind of late to be calling

somebody up in the middle of the night?

Are you sure it's important?

He did? Well, why didn't you say so

in the first place, for heaven's sake?

Then Louie is lying there holding

his belly. One of the kids is crying.

Then somebody says,

"Let's draw lots,"

but Hinky says, "I'm the

Sergeant, see. I already won.

"You'll hear them when I

get there, then come in,"

and he starts

through the bushes.

So, there we are. On your mark,

get set... All of a sudden...

Your mother's on the telephone.

She wants to talk to you.

Just a minute. What?

You mean my mother?

That's right.

But how can I talk to her

if I'm overseas?

You dumb cluck!

Because you ain't overseas.

You just came back with us

from Guadalcanal.

You're going home tomorrow.

Going home?

That's right.

Go on.

Are you nuts or something?

The guy is trying to

keep his mother

from knowing

he ain't a Marine.

You want to make something of it? Yeah!

Pipe down!

Hello?

Is that you, Mama?

Hello, Mama.

Sure, I'm all right.

Of course I am.

I never felt better

in my life.

How have you been, Mama?

Did you get my letters?

You did, huh? I was afraid

you might have been worried.

Well, I don't know

about that, Mama.

It's very hard to get leave these

days, what with the war and all.

I just got up to

Frisco for this evening, see.

That I was wounded and honorably

discharged from the service?

Who told you I was wounded and

discharged from the service?

Then she won't have to

worry no more.

Now, wait a minute, Mama,

you'd hardly call it a wound.

It was more like a scratch.

It was more like a fever. Just

a little fever, that's all.

Maybe it's called jungle

fever, Mama, I don't know.

No, I'm not being brave,

but I just don't see how I'll be able

to get home for quite some time, Mama.

No, I'm not seriously wounded.

I wish I was.

I said I wish I could come

home, but I just can't make...

No, you can't do that, Mama. They

don't allow visitors where I am.

Well, she must've known the Colonel or

something. I'm in the wrong with him.

I can't tell you that, Mama.

That's military information.

No, I'm not in jail.

What would I be doing in jail?

I don't know why he said

I was coming home, Mama,

but he was probably

talking about somebody else.

He had several calls to make.

You know how it is.

Well, of course, I want to

come home, Mama. Why wouldn't I?

I'm just crazy to see you

and Libby and everybody,

but this is war, Mama.

Wait a minute.

Give me that phone.

You can go home tomorrow.

I figured it all out.

What are you talking about?

Like rolling off a log! Quiet!

Hello, Mrs. Truesmith?

This is Sergeant Heppelfinger.

You got nothing to worry

about. That's it. Right.

Look, it's bad enough to wear the

uniform without having to wear this...

Now, wait a minute. Without

having to wear this medal on it.

What are you talking about? I don't

even remember what I got it for.

You know what

he got that for?

No.

Lay off!

Some Japs was roasting a pig

across the stream, understand.

The breeze was blowing it all

right over in his kisser,

so he went over and got it.

Boy, that was some dish.

Just a hog.

I know, but...

You gotta wear something.

You can't come back from

the Solomons without nothing.

Not the son of

Sergeant Truesmith.

I can't help it, fellows.

I just don't like

the whole idea.

You gotta think

of your mother.

The regulations

distinctly say,

"You can wear your uniform home,

but not longer than 30 days. "

Suppose they paid you off

in South Africa.

And you went home on foot?

They can't tell you

how to go home.

You could go home

on a pogo stick.

You gotta think

of your mother.

The regulations

clearly state...

That only applies to Marines.

You ain't really a Marine anymore, and,

besides, the regulations is very elastic.

I was even a Colonel once

for a couple of days.

And a brighound for a

couple of months. Cheese it!

How are you, boys?

Fine, sir. Thank you, sir.

I think we'd better go back to

my room and talk this over...

Keep your hand down,

and nobody will be the wiser.

All aboard!

Come on, chuck his gear on.

No, no.

Will you get on that train?

No, I won't!

Come on, hoist him on!

No, no!

Come on, get him on!

Don't make me...

No. No.

Look, I don't want to sound ungrateful.

I know you meant it for the best.

I don't mind

the seven tickets or anything.

I'm honored to have you

go home with me.

It's just the uniform.

It makes me nervous.

Well, you can't

go home without it.

Well, I shouldn't

go home with it, and this...

You shouldn't have

lied to your mother.

I think it was

for pulling a Frenchman

out of a creek or something.

I don't remember.

He ought to have

the Battle Blaze.

That don't look right.

Yeah.

Well, I shouldn't ought to have the

Battle Blaze. It's bad enough like this.

Who's gonna notice anything?

"Who's gonna notice anything"?

You slip off the train.

We'll kind of surround you.

We slip up a side street. Your

mother's waiting on the front porch.

You put your arms around her.

That's right.

You slip out of your uniform.

You salt it away in mothballs,

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes