Hail the Conquering Hero Page #3

and there you are, home.

She's happy. You're happy.

Everybody's happy.

And nobody's hep to nothing.

Please. Will you please wait

until I give you the signal?

We're practicing.

Well, all right, then.

Go ahead and practice.

Listen. Will you please stand not

here? Go some other place. Please!

Isn't it wonderful?

He's been away for so long,

and only hearing from him twice.

And then being his father's son, you

can imagine the chances he would take,

the risks he would run.

Do you suppose

he knows about Libby?

I don't know, Martha.

I certainly didn't tell him.

Well, it really isn't

your problem, dear.

You're engaged to me, and

that's all there is to it.

I know,

but it's his homecoming.

And homecoming means to find

everything the way you left it,

at least for a little while.

Do you suppose

he'll be heartbroken?

I don't know.

I don't see that that has

anything to do with it.

If he'd waited a year longer,

there might've been

three of us to welcome him.

If he'd waited two years, it

might have been... Shut up.

That's what marriage is

for, isn't it? I suppose so,

if you look at it from a purely

unromantic standpoint like a breeding farm.

I mean, if you don't find anything

soul-stirring in the return of a...

A hero.

All right. A hero.

I mean, if you don't find

anything heartwarming in it...

My dear girl, I tried to get into

the Army by every possible means.

I even lied about my

condition. I know you did.

It isn't my fault

that I have...

Chronic hay fever.

I know that, Forrest.

I've heard it

a thousand times,

but since you bring it up,

darling,

I'm forced to remind you that

Woodrow also had hay fever.

Your father wants you.

He broke off with her. Her

skirts are certainly clean.

I don't know anything

about it, Martha.

I'm very happy for you,

Mrs. Truesmith.

Of course you are, dear.

Will you tell him I'm going to

be married to Forrest, please?

No, I won't, Libby.

I think that's up to you.

Will you, Aunt Martha?

Who, me? I should say not.

Well, you know it wasn't my fault.

I would have waited for him forever.

He asked me not to.

He told me to forget him.

He even wrote

he didn't love me anymore.

Maybe you should've read

between the lines a little.

What do you mean,

I don't speak first?

If anybody speaks first,

it's the Mayor.

I mean to say, if you think I'm

gonna stand around like a doorpost...

Quiet!

Very well, Mr. Mayor. I'm merely the

Chairman of the Reception Committee,

but as I visualize... Did you

bring the keys to the city?

Yes, Father, right here.

Because I don't want to

pull out my fountain pen

like I did with General...

Why don't you let

Mr. Pash arrange things?

If it's all the same to you,

my pearl...

This boy Woodrow is gonna be

very popular in this town, Doc.

He deserves to be.

I wonder if the same thought has

occurred to you that flashed in my mind?

Probably.

As I visualize it,

the ceremony began

with a little girl in white

with a bunch of posies...

In her grimy little mitts. I

know, I've listened to her before.

Whatever you say, Mr. Mayor.

Why, she forgets her lines

till rigor mortis sets in.

Very well, then,

you arrange the reception.

I tell you, it's better for

you to talk after Bissell.

Then you can give him

the needle.

All right,

have it your own way.

After all, I'm only the Mayor.

Thank you very much, Mr. Mayor.

Not in front of the Mayor.

Out on the fringe somewhere.

Why, you'd think it was a

political campaign instead of a...

Did you bring

the keys to the city?

Yes, Father,

I have them right here.

Mrs. Noble.

Call me Myrtle, dear.

Do you think

it would be all right

if I didn't tell Woodrow I'm

engaged to Forrest right away?

What?

What?

Well, it certainly

would not be all right.

Of all the confounded...

What are you talking about?

Well, I mean, not to spoil his

homecoming by striking a single sour note.

Thanks.

I didn't mean that, darling.

Of course it would be all

right. I understand perfectly.

I'm not sure that I do,

Mother.

That's because

you're not a woman, dear.

It would be

perfectly all right.

Why,

under similar circumstances,

I'd be perfectly willing

to pretend

I wasn't married to your

father for several weeks even.

You could make it for several

months, as far as I'm concerned.

He talks that way in public,

but we understand perfectly.

Now, you go right down and take him

in your arms and kiss him all you like.

Thank you. I may have

something to say about that.

I suppose she could kiss him

on the cheek.

Kiss him wherever you like.

Of all the nonsense.

Two men telling us

how to welcome a hero.

Not in the middle, please. Out

in the suburbs, if you don't mind.

Yeah, please.

Out in the suburbs, yes.

Now, listen.

I begin with

Mademoiselle From Armentieres

and then I go into

Hail the Conquering Hero.

You begin with

Mademoiselle From Armentieres?

That's right.

Then, what do you play?

There'll Be a Hot Time

in the Old Town Tonight.

Then, who plays

Home to the Arms of Mother?

I do.

What's your name?

Eddie.

I thought I started with that.

Who are you?

Teddy.

Eddie, Teddy... I thought I started

with Hail the Conquering Hero Comes.

Who is talking about

Hail the Conquering Hero?

I am.

No, no, no. You play...

O death, where is thy sting?

We don't know that.

All we know is Hail the Conquering Hero

and half of Marching Through Georgia.

We were only formed last week.

Now, wait a minute, Teddy.

You're going to have her

the rest of your life.

Let him have her for an hour.

This is war, you know. And you

know what Sherman said about it.

Ed follows with

Mademoiselle From Armentieres

and modulates into Hail

the Conquering Hero Comes.

Eddie takes Home to the Arms of

Mother and you play anything you know!

Can anybody play

Let Me Call You Sweetheart?

Sure, I can modulate into that from

A Hot Time in the Old Town Tonight.

I could take it

after Mademoiselle

and let Teddy play

Hail the Conquering Hero.

Certainly, if you want to

upset all of my plans!

After all,

I've only had one morning

to whip this thing

all together, you know.

I'm sorry. All right, play

it! Play anything you like!

What is it, madam,

what is it?

I'm here to help.

I do it for nothing, with joy,

but I got to have cooperation.

Cooperation, yes.

I sing the hymn in seven

flats. In seven flats.

And he won't play

in seven flats.

We don't know how to

play in seven flats.

We're not musicians.

You don't have to tell me.

Then, each work in your

own key and do your best.

Why don't we take it...

They're really very nice people.

I'm just going to take

Woodrow in my arms

and hug him as if he'd never

written me that letter at all.

That's a very sweet

thought, dear.

Do you want me

to hold your engagement ring?

It's not only my mother. I've

got a girl! I mean, I did have.

What did you tell her?

You was going in the Navy?

No, I told her I fell for somebody

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