Hail the Conquering Hero Page #4

else so she wouldn't wait for me.

What are you gonna

tell her now?

Tell her you're married.

What good does that do?

Tell her you're divorced.

I'm no good at lying!

Besides, maybe she doesn't

care anymore anyway.

Is your mother a good cook?

Wonderful.

Gee, you're lucky.

Well, I don't feel lucky!

Look, I tell you

the whole thing is...

Supposing I should

meet someone I know

at the station

and they should...

We'll surround you. You

got nothing to worry about.

I hope not!

Oak Ridge.

Don't do that!

Keep cool, will you?

What can happen? Does your

mother put up preserves?

Yes! What can happen?

Anything can happen!

Will you stop balling things up!

Everything was clear and simple, and now...

Where is Mamie?

She's always disappearing.

Well, she'll be here in a minute.

It's the excitement.

Yes.

Here comes the train!

Not yet!

Not yet!

I didn't tell you...

What's that music?

Brush you off, gents?

What's that music?

Fix you up for the reception?

The reception?

I reckon it's for you all.

They got a half-a-dozen bands

and all the officials.

Let me out of here!

Now, wait a minute. It's

probably for somebody else.

It ain't for anybody else.

It says "Welcome Woodrow. "

Let me out of here! You're

just gonna make things worse.

You give me that bag!

Here, open that up and let

me out. I'll hide in there.

You can make my apologies.

I can't while

the train's in the station.

Then I'll get off

in my underwear!

Cut that out! We're just

pulling in the station.

No, not yet!

No!

They got four bands. That don't

look good with only one medal.

Four bands? Take that

blouse off! Give me yours!

Madame, please... I didn't...

Not yet!

Cut it out! You're making

a big mistake, I tell you!

You gotta think

of your mother!

Come on,

and take those hash marks off!

I'm telling you,

give me my other suit!

All right, she's going to get in

front. All right, please, that's fine.

Welcome, Woodrow.

Quiet! Please, please.

Please! Quiet! Right. We're

all ready for the reception.

All right, Mamie.

Welcome, young warrior.

Your natal city rejoices

at your safe homecoming

and takes great pleasure

in presenting you

this beautiful bunch

of del-fuminimums.

Now, you just come with me.

Mr. Noble has

a speech all ready for you.

Welcome home, Woodrow.

Silence!

His honor, the Mayor!

Friends, voters,

returning hero

and ex-employee of the Noble Chair

Company, Seats of all Descriptions,

home to

the arms of your mother...

No, no, no, no!

Quiet, quiet, quiet!

It is with a sense

of deep humility

that I hail

this conquering hero!

No, no!

No, no, no.

Not until I tell you, please!

I say...

I say...

Quiet!

It is with a sense

of deep humility

that I welcome

this young Marine.

Hooray!

Actions speak louder

than words.

Here are his words!

Hooray!

From the halls of Montezuma

to the shores of Tripoli...

No! No! No!

No, no, no, no!

Hot Time in the Old Town

Tonight. One, two...

Do anything you like!

All right, boys,

Mademoiselle From Armentieres.

I say it is with a sense

of deep humility...

Go away!

I present you

with the keys to the city!

But Mr. Mayor...

Quiet!

I do wish he'd told us

he was bringing six friends.

I don't know what we'd have done

if everybody hadn't been so kind.

I'll get it.

Oh, dear!

Just in case you were short, I

brought over a few little knick-knacks.

That's terribly kind of you, Mr. Schultz,

but I haven't a single point left.

Who asked you?

It's all complimentary.

Mrs. Truesmith...

Quiet!

Including the points with the

compliments of Schultz's market.

Why, just put it right here.

Everybody's been so kind.

Boy, I wished I was a Marine.

You will be.

It'll probably be over

by the time I'm big enough.

From your mouth

to heaven's ear.

How many Nips did Woodrow

get, Mrs. Truesmith?

I'm sure I don't know, Teddy. I

hope he wasn't too bloodthirsty.

Quiet!

And if there is anything else,

the slightest thing,

when we're open

or when we're closed,

Teddy will be happy

to run over.

I'm bowlegged now from...

Goodbye, Mrs. Truesmith,

and I'm very happy for you.

One in the family

is enough to lose.

Here they are!

I'll just have time

to wash for church.

Do I look all right, Martha?

Yes, of course you look all right.

Well, that's that.

That was certainly

a great idea you had.

What are you talking about?

Everything was lovely.

I thought your speech at General

Zabriski's monument was very moving.

Thank you very much.

Well, if you'll excuse me now.

I have something

to tell you, Woodrow.

Well, you'll just

have to wait...

Woodrow.

Hello, Mama.

Where are you going, dear?

To put on my blue suit.

We'll be late for church.

Then, we'll be late for church.

Why can't you wear your

uniform for a little while?

You look so nice in it.

I just got through explaining. It's

against regulations. He should...

I think that's perfectly

ridiculous. So do I.

Your grandfather wore his Civil

War uniform the rest of his life.

He kept having new ones made.

Well, you...

He said it helped

to remind people

that brother fought brother.

Well, his case was different.

Then, hurry up, dear.

Go ahead.

Now, better hurry up.

He seems to be

a little bit upset.

I suppose that's only natural,

dear, after what he's been through.

He has jungle fever, you know.

Jungle fever?

They run through the woods without any

clothes on with knives in their teeth.

Oh, no, they don't

at all, lady.

You're thinking of Boksok.

The Marines

always dress very nice.

Of course they do. You must

be Sergeant Heppelfinger.

Pleased to meet you.

I want you to shake hands

with Corporal Candida.

How did Woodrow take the news?

I didn't have a chance to tell

him yet. There was so much noise.

You knew my sergeant.

I want you to see him.

I want you all to see him.

There he is.

Attention!

Thank you.

He looks so young

compared to me.

Now I have two heroes.

I have eight heroes.

You can sure put me on your flag.

I sure ain't got anybody else.

I'll be very proud to.

Oh, we're going to be late.

Woodrow! Woodrow!

Now, Martha.

Yes?

Don't let the turkey burn.

Sally Truesmith, you don't have

to tell me how to cook a turkey.

Never burned a turkey

in my life.

See? It's all over,

and everything went perfect.

Sure, except that I'm a haunted

man for the rest of my life.

Boy, I wish that's all

I ever had to worry about.

Saved from

earthly taint and sin

Home, sweet home

Our home forever

All the pilgrim journey past

Welcomed home to wander never

Saved through Jesus

Home at last

And now I have a very

pleasant task to perform.

Usually on Sundays

I have to scold you a little,

because that is what

I am paid to do,

and I try to earn my keep,

but today is

a day of rejoicing.

Home from the hills

cometh the hunter.

Home from the wars, the hero.

Homecoming.

What a beautiful word.

Home to

the arms of his mother,

the widow of yet another hero

cut down in

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