HairBrained

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-HairBrained-

Hello, my name is Eli Pettifog.

I'm 13 years old.

Today is my first day

of college.

What you got in that bag,

Eli? Books?

Don't they have a library

at that place?

She's a terrible mother...

but it's not her fault

that I'm a genius.

" Can you hear me coming

Feel it all around."

" Feet are stomping

On the ground."

" It said something

So familiar."

Please tell me this is a joke.

I wanted to take you,

but I'm just so tired.

Remember the electric bill is the

most important, then the rent.

Eli... make some friends

out there, okay?

- Bye, Mom.

- Later.

Beacon Falls, Whittman College.

I welcome you

to Whittman College...

the 37th best, small, liberal

arts college on the East Coast.

Lots of stuff to know.

How about some exercise

for the lazy student?

Some people go to college because they

graduate from high school, like me.

Others go and they

self-destruct, like this guy.

Chi Gong.

Badminton or squash?

He had a business once.

He used to sell this stuff.

To these people... and then

he bailed on these things.

Put your shuttlecock away.

It's squash.

Here, let me get that for you.

- Give me my bag back.

- I'm Leo Searly, late bloomer.

I'm Eli Pettifog, child prodigy,

please can I have my bag back?

You're a freshman?

Unfortunately.

Me, too. What room you in?

212, can I...

Oh, good, it's right here.

I'm right across the hall.

Well, take care,

brush your hair.

I need the oldest undergraduate

in the world as a friend...

like I need a hole in my head.

And I don't need a hole in my head,

if that was what you were wondering.

Hey, want to get a burger?

No.

My treat.

Thanks, but no.

Eli, it's your first day

of college...

you're gonna have plenty of time

to sit alone and hate yourself.

Come on.

Wow, that's good.

That is old-fashioned

American genius.

Have you noticed everything

is genius these days?

How can food be genius?

Try the fries.

That's good, it may be great,

but it's not genius.

Hey, look at that townie girl.

She's checking you out, man.

See you later, Shauna.

See you.

Oh, that was a complete

meltdown of the man nerve.

I'm wearing my hair net.

Safety first. I hear you.

I'm gonna go get us

some more beers.

Nice, I'll just stay here.

I am Leo Searly, late bloomer.

I'm 'Milla, I have not yet

bloomed.

- Really?

- Uh-huh.

You look like you bloomed

to me all right.

Are you Eli Pettifog?

Yeah.

The 13-year-old freshman?

Well, Eli, I want to have your

really, really smart baby.

What makes you think

that nine months in your womb

won't make the baby

really, really stupid?

Excuse me.

Oh, jeez.

You think your sperm is too good

for my girl or something?

No.

Ow, put me down! Put me down!

- Why do you do this sh*t?

- Because I'm a dick!

Say my sperm is not worthy of

Eve Hanson.

Who's Eve Hanson?

My girlfriend, you know, the

one you were just hitting on?

She's out of your league, pal.

Yeah, I know she's out of my

league. I don't even like girls.

Somebody's fibbing.

Oh, god.

What's it like down there?

Awesome, I've been there

a thousand times.

Yeah, I'll bet you have.

Say my sperm is not worthy of

Eve Hanson.

Hold on, I can't hear you, my

ears are blocked.

Have some Ebola, a**hole!

I'm gonna make this the worst

year of your shitty, little life.

So, we're enemies?

Mortal enemies.

Let's drink to it.

Oh, Jesus, ow, stop.

Remember, I bought

the first round.

Yeah.

Oh, my god.

Oh, god.

I don't feel so good.

Really?

Perfect timing.

Thanks.

Something I want to tell you.

What?

Come closer.

You can come closer.

I'm a genius!

I remember my first beer,

too. Yeah.

Ever since I was a little baby, all I

ever wanted to do was go to Harvard.

My spiritual home.

So, without really trying,

I skipped five grades.

Won all the science fairs,

got my MENSA card.

You know what happened?

Harvard rejected me.

They don't want me.

Well, then, screw them.

You don't understand.

It just killed me, you know?

You want to know

the most awful and

humiliating part of the

whole, entire story?

You still love the b*tch.

Yeah. How'd you know?

All right, if you're gonna puke again,

close one eye, you'll have better aim.

Don't leave.

If the room starts to spin,

you put one foot on the floor.

Yeah. Leo? Leo?

- Goodnight.

- No, Leo, just...

You're all right. Hang in there.

Never mind.

I'm here for my job.

All right, dear,

check in down the hall.

Sh*t.

Harvard's coming?

Good evening, and welcome

to Collegiate Mastermind.

The varsity sport of the mind.

Tonight's two contestants are

the Whittman Warring Hares...

versus the Harvard Crimson

squad.

First question is a toss-up

worth ten points.

The first question, that should

be the first one on the stack.

Okay, how far

can the Queen Mary 2...

travel on one gallon of...

diesel.

Whittman Warring Hares.

We forfeit.

Incorrect.

No, I mean we forfeit.

You can't forfeit.

We haven't won a match

since 1971.

Oh. Harvard to steal.

Six inches.

Six inches is correct.

Yes!

Caution, Harvard at this

time for showboating.

Man, if I were on the

Whittman team...

my dad would send me into

the woods to find the

perfect piece of birch

to split my ass with.

Hey, there's the little dude.

Thanks for the support, little

dude. What's your name?

Eli.

You the man, Eli.

How old are you?

Uh-oh, he's a genius.

Yeah.

Yeah, you are.

13, walking around Harvard with

hair like that? That's bad ass.

You want a ride back to campus?

To Boston?

Yeah, let's roll.

Yo, Eli, get in...

or we aren't gonna haze you.

I can't.

Why not?

Because I don't go to Harvard.

I'm a freshman here at Whittman...

but my soul belongs to Harvard.

Don't worry about it, the important

thing is we part company like men.

Listen to me, you little freak.

Ow, oh, my god.

Harvard doesn't want your soul. Your

soul is cheap, and it's mediocre.

- Ow, stop.

- It's a Whittman soul.

- But they went on to win that year.

- How does that help us right now?

I'm just saying you should

learn, you know, perseverance.

Alan, if you didn't know the

answer, why did you buzz?

Because...

You can't do that.

If you don't know, don't buzz.

Hey.

My name is Eli Pettifog.

This is Leo Searly's last chance

at a classy future.

He's not afraid to gamble it all

on a hole and a ball.

Hits the putt.

Oh, it's on the lip. No, no, no,

it's rolling in. It's rolling in.

Oh, yes!

- Leo Searly takes home $100 million...

- Hey.

Hey, how are you?

Can I tell you something

super important?

Okay. As long as it's not

teenage stuff.

Don't worry. This is as grown up

as it gets.

All right.

First, I now hate Harvard with the

fanatical rage of a freedom fighter.

That sounds pretty teenage to

me.

And I've sworn my life

to its destruction.

The entire university?

No, just the college, I'm only

one man.

Second, I'm now the new

captain of the Whittman

Warring Hares Collegiate

Mastermind Team.

Oh, I loved that game as a kid.

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