HairBrained Page #2

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That's the one with the pegs.

Like the little colored pegs,

then you get a combination...

No, it's a quiz show in which

two colleges compete...

to see which one is smart

and which one is dumb.

It's like the show Jeopardy,

with no money.

No money?

Forget the money, Leo. I found

the instrument of my revenge.

What makes him think he

can walk in here and say...

"I'm Eli Pettifog

and I'm your new captain?"

Because none of us walked in

and said I'm your new captain.

The first four digits of pi

are 3.141.

What is the

billionth digit of pi?

Nine.

Right you are.

Dude.

Here's your bonus.

Assuming Rudolph was in front...

how many ways are there to arrange

the other eight reindeer?

40,320.

Right you are.

You're fast, kid.

- Dude!

- Captain.

Sh*t, dude,

viral pandemic sick! Or not.

Ssh, I'm trying to study.

You should have a package

for Eli Pettifog.

Pettifog, okay.

P-E-T-T-I-F-O-G?

Yeah.

Weird name. What's it mean?

Okay, here we go. Pettifog means

you bicker over everything.

That's ridiculous.

Second definition, to practice

deception or trickery.

Do you have a package

for me or not?

There's no package for you, Pettifog.

No lying or complaining.

Okay.

Hey. Can I use your phone?

Yeah, sure.

It's private.

I understand.

Hey, if you want to

party, leave a message.

All right, whatever.

Hey, Mom, I'm calling to remind

you you forgot my birthday again.

It's your birthday?

Yeah. Big 1-4.

Hang on.

Faster.

Okay.

Whoo!

Faster.

Faster?

Yeah!

Whoo!

Faster.

Whoo!

Thanks, Leo,

that was really fun.

Well, happy birthday, Eli.

- Leo!

- Yo!

Faster!

What's wrong with this thing?

Hey, fuzzy, that's my

favorite machine.

Hi.

Happy birthday.

Thanks.

I wish I could go to Whittman.

There's no Mall Studies

major at Whittman.

I'm not a mall girl. I only shop

at the most exclusive boutiques.

Mm-hm.

You want to shotgun?

What's a shotgun?

Let me show you. Okay.

I know you have a thing for me.

What are you gonna do about it?

What are you talking about?

I see you checking out

my boyish curves.

Come, lay down with me.

You want to know a secret?

Okay.

I never kissed anyone.

So what? Neither have I.

I'm worried I might suck at it.

How hard can it be?

Kissing is too important

to be easy.

Not my lip.

Well, stop squirming.

Are you supposed to be drooling

directly into my mouth?

Toss up. Which states, in order

of entry into the union...

is Bruce "The Boss" Springsteen

not from?

Whittman?

Delaware, Pennsylvania, Georgia,

Connecticut...

Massachusetts, Maryland, South Carolina,

New Hampshire, Virginia, New York...

North Carolina, Rhode Island,

Vermont, Kentucky, uh...

Keep going.

Not Tennessee, Ohio, Louisiana,

Indiana, Mississippi, Illinois...

Alabama, Maine, Missouri, Arkansas,

Michigan, Florida, Texas, Iowa...

Wisconsin, California,

Minnesota...

15 seconds.

Um, not Oregon, Kansas,

West Virginia, Nevada...

Nebraska, Colorado, North

Dakota, South Dakota.

Do it, weirdo!

Yeah, do it.

Montana, Washington, Idaho, Wyoming, Utah,

New Mexico, Arizona, Alaska, nor Hawaii.

By god, he's done it.

Nice. Very nice.

In-frigging-conceivable.

Frigging magnificent.

Frigging, frigging. I want

a piece of your action.

You can't have any of my action.

Do you even know what your

action is?

You're the one who started

talking about my action.

Your action is blowing people away with

your genius, and your bizarre charisma.

You're a college star

in the making.

My quest is private, Leo,

it's not for other people.

Do you think

I should start a blog?

Whoa.

Nice try, Leo.

Mm?

This jacket

is from sweatshop city.

What are you talking about? It was

stitched in Beacon Falls, USA.

Makes me look like I have

old-man shoulders.

Man shoulders are a perk.

Oh. Then how come

the waist is so tight?

What are you talking about?

It's form-fitting.

Flatters the silhouette.

Oh. Well, what about

the collar?

The jacket's perfect, Eli.

You promise?

Yeah.

Must be why I love it so much.

Excuse me, hello, thank you very much.

I hope you all enjoy your lunch.

Today we're offering

$1,000 to anyone...

who can stump the Whittman Warring

Hares Collegiate Mastermind squad.

Perky girl.

Okay, why does he have pubic

hair on his head?

Not the sort of question

we're looking for. Next!

But the people want to know.

Don't you want to know?

Yeah.

Okay, the people want to know, why does

your hair look like "down there" hair?

That's a great question.

My hair resembles pubic hair, because

it is designed to protect my brain.

Protect your brain from what?

From stupidity.

You calling me stupid?

- Mm, mm-mm.

- They're calling you stupid.

What about you?

I'm calling you stupid, too.

Ouch.

Yeah? Who will be stupid when

I'm eating your brain, Pettifog?

Grilled... with sea salt.

You're gonna grill my brain?

He's gonna grill your brain.

Caveman, you can't

even start a fire.

I'll rub your bones together.

Name one bone.

Your skull bone!

All right, kids, come on,

calm down.

Thank you very much. Don't forget

to come and see the Warring Hares.

- I could take him. Put me down.

- Bus your tables.

I want to thank you for benching me.

I never felt so confident in my life.

Hey, what are friends for?

Hey, sexy genius.

Hey, sexy lady, what's up?

- She's not talking to you.

- What are you talking about?

Hey, you teach me, I'll teach you. A little

quid pro blow, as they say in modern Latin.

See you at Vassar. Bye, boys.

It's quid pro quo.

In Collegiate Mastermind,

it might be quid pro quo...

but in the game of life, her

interpretation is right on the sticky bun.

You're so cool, I think

I'm gonna call you the fog.

Please, don't call me the fog.

That makes me sound dense.

Sorry.

Hey, baby.

Hi, Gertrude.

- Hi, ladies. Where's Leo?

- Hey, Gertrude.

Ha-ha, looks like

we got a ride.

- Nice.

- Yes, the van.

- So sweet.

- Oh, my god, this is awesome.

Neat, so cool. Fluffy and soft.

- Do you have a bed in this thing?

- I like this car.

Nice, isn't it? Feels kind

of like a land couch.

Hey, Leo, guess what?

Eli has a groupie.

Shut up, Romeo. Jesus.

- What's her name?

- Eve Hanson, she's a senior.

She cute?

She looks like Gertrude, if you

gave her blonde hair and money.

Romeo, the only groupie you're

ever gonna have is your hand.

That really hurt.

Good.

Buckle up, kids!

Rhinotillexomania is compulsive

nose picking.

Gynecomastia means man b*obs.

The naked mole rat

is immune to cancer.

Whittman College has won the

match.

And for the match, what syndrome does

pop star Lily Allen have? Whittman.

The super numerary nipple

syndrome, the triple nipple.

Correct!

Abalone is not a mollusk,

but a large marine snail.

That's correct. Match goes

to Whittman College.

The aquatic scrotum resides

primarily in Lake Titicaca.

Whittman wins!

Yes!

Out of beer!

Warriors!

Safety first, safety first.

Oh, my god!

Hi.

Can you please stay away from me?

Don't worry, Laird never

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