HairBrained Page #3

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comes to the library.

I find you fascinating.

No, you don't.

And dangerous.

I'm very safe.

Do I scare you?

Yes, very much.

Well, just try to look past my breasts and

everything else, and see the real me.

Look past your breasts?

I can't even look at them.

Just... right... do you need...

I'm not gonna look at them.

Don't worry, Romeo,

we can beat Yale.

It's not that.

Well, what is it?

My brother goes to Yale.

Oh, really, that's a bummer.

It's only because he is a

non-threatening Puerto Rican.

I did not get into Yale, because my mighty

mas macho terrifies the white man...

until his balls are like

raisins.

But it still hurts, you know?

Every night it still hurts.

So you have a smarter brother?

Is he better looking, too?

Yeah, but only a little bit.

Eli, can you dedicate this one to Romeo?

He's really hurting back here.

Sure. This one's for you,

big guy.

Good evening, and welcome

to the Yale Bulldogs...

versus the

Whittman Warring Hares.

First question is a toss up

for ten points.

How many names are listed

on the Vietnam War Memorial?

58,652.

Wrong, Whittman for the steal?

58,256.

That is oh, so right.

Bonus to Whittman.

The memorial is built from black granite.

Where does this granite come from?

Bangalore, India.

Right again. Toss up.

Who invented the

roulette wheel and why?

French philosopher and mathematician...

Blaise Pascal invented roulette

for perpetual motion experiments.

That is oh, so right.

Bonus to Yale.

Why is roulette called the

Devil's Game?

Because all the numbers

on the wheel add up to 666.

Correct.

- Huddle up.

- What?

- I'm not kidding.

- What's up?

Some girls know about roulette,

other girls know about the devil...

but no girl knows about both.

Especially not girls like that.

She's cheating.

How do you know?

Check out the receiver,

it's hidden, it's right there.

Yeah, I see it. Somebody's

feeding her the answers.

I bet she cheated

to get into Yale, too.

I bet she took your spot.

Whittman, break your huddle.

All right, guys, here's your choice.

We can beat them fair and square.

I promise we can.

Or, we could put an eternal

stain on their lives.

It's your call. Yale's

your white whale.

Eternal stain.

All right, just be cool.

I can't be cool.

Oh, god.

My earring.

Whoo!

Daniel, my brother, Turran.

My country tis of thee, sweet

land of liberty.

I know you saw that sign.

Yeah, I saw it.

Here we are at Harvard...

smartest place on Earth.

This is the freshman dorm,

Adams house.

Some of the rooms have

fireplaces.

Get over it.

What are you doing?

What does it look like

I'm doing?

What's the high score

in this machine?

I'm wearing watermelon

lip gloss.

The flavor is disappearing,

can you put on some more?

I have cherry, too.

No, this is the one.

This is definitely the one.

You're a really good kisser, Eli.

Thanks.

We can't do this all day...

unless it leads somewhere else.

Like where?

Like my neck.

What about your neck?

Kiss it.

Okay.

That feels so good.

Now the other side.

You mean... okay.

Eli.

Yeah?

Do you have a roommate?

No.

You should invite me over.

You know, me being on campus might

make me into a crazy woman.

Did you know that every

time you recall a memory,

you're making the whole

thing up from scratch?

That's ridiculous, my memories

are exactly the same every time.

Oh, okay. What was

I wearing when we met?

Nothing.

Come on, I'm trying

to do science here.

Don't you need test tubes

or something like that?

What color lipstick did your

wife wear at your wedding? Hm?

How did you know

that I was married?

It's written all over you.

Divorced guy goes to college.

Not a good look, is it?

It's not a look, it's a life.

Hey, you want to go back to my

room?

Sure, I still have 20 more pages

before we have a sex break.

Okay, fine, no highlighting, no looking

stuff up, no dog-earing pages.

Deal.

Deal.

- Divorce is sexy.

- Really?

Yeah, as long as you don't have

any brats running around you.

Uh-huh.

Yo, Laird wants a truce, he's

all fruity for you or something.

Atruce, huh?

Okay, take this, you need it.

Laird.

Pettifog.

Tell me we're going

to beat Princeton.

We're gonna beat Princeton.

Tell me we're going

to the Final Four.

Final Four?

We're going all the way.

Did you just promise me

a national championship?

I'm guaranteeing it.

I believe you, Eli.

I believe that you can restore glory to

Whittman athletics and make us whole again.

Yeah, I promise I will.

But if you fail, I will make

you retarded with my fist.

Okay.

I'm gonna make this the worst

year of your shitty, little life.

But if you fail, I will make you

retarded with my fist.

We're not dumb! We're not dumb!

We're not dumb!

We're not dumb! We're not dumb!

Hey, I'm Eli Pettifog,

ask me anything.

Yo, this is total commitment.

What are you talking about?

Pettifog, he means it.

Let me see that.

Oh, please, that's Kiss,

we're the Beatles.

Tigers!

We're not dumb! We're not dumb!

We're not dumb!

Win this one, we make it

to the Final Four.

My father will kill me.

'69 team lost to Princeton.

You afraid of your father?

Everybody is afraid

of their father.

I can't believe

how nervous I am.

You've got no reason

to be nervous.

No, I know, I was just trying

to make you feel useful.

Just get up there and give it

all the brains you got.

We're not dumb! We're not dumb!

We're not dumb! We're not dumb!

Good evening and welcome

to Collegiate Mastermind.

All right, the first question

is a toss-up worth ten points.

Which president created a company slogan

by describing a certain brand of coffee...

as being "good to the last drop"?

Teddy Roosevelt.

Correct.

Here's your bonus. In Italy, what

is the average age of a barista?

Nicely done.

Toss-up now. What is the longest word ever

used by a presidential press secretary?

Floxinoxinihilipilification.

That's the word.

Here's your bonus.

What is the longest word

in the English language

whose letters can be

played on the piano?

Cabbaged.

Musical. Toss-up.

How much money did

Abraham Lincoln have in

his pocket at the time

of his assassination?

Five dollars

in Confederate money.

Nice shot, Whittman,

all the way to the bank.

I want to have your baby!

Here's your bonus. What is the average

life span of a U.S. dollar in circulation?

18 months.

Correct.

Such an intense sport.

It's all in the coaching.

Toss-up. Who wrote Fart Proudly?

Benjamin Franklin.

- Exactly.

- Nostalgie De La Boue.

- Bingo.

- 28,420.

Well done!

Bella Abzug. The Stockholm

Syndrome. The number one.

Banging your head against a wall

burns 150 calories per hour.

On average, right-handed people live nine

years longer than left-handed people.

Mike Huckabee.

The mainland tiger snake.

The two presidents who's names contain

the letters that form criminal...

are Richard Millhouse Nixon and

William Jefferson Clinton.

If Barbie were life-size, she

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