HairBrained Page #4

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would stand 7 feet, 2 inches.

Whoo! It is a tight race,

if I do say so myself.

This final question will determine

which team will go to the Final Four.

Teams at your buzzers.

Who first said,

"Elvis has left the building"?

Whittman!

Horace Lee Logan!

Holy sh*t, that's right.

Princeton loses!

Princeton loses!

And Whittman College advances

to the Final Four!

We're not dumb! We're not dumb!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, kid,

now that's over the line.

I can't believe it.

Yo.

Yo.

Hey, Pettifog.

I have registered mail.

You know what, Pettifog?

You're no Pettifog.

You're an angel of knowledge

with a kinky halo.

Saw you the other night,

awesome.

Thanks.

Hey, Pettifog? Hi-ya!

What? Oh, sh*t, no!

To the academic building, and the

first thing we're gonna do is...

Uh, question, what is the student

bathroom ratio on this campus?

Sophie?

Yes. Who are you?

Um... I'm Leo Searly.

My bio dad?

Your father.

No. That's my father.

Don't tell me

you're a professor here.

No, uh, yes? I'm not tenured

yet, well...

You left when I was seven, and now you're

teaching at my top college choice?

You're ruining my life

all over again.

And you don't even care

that you're ruining my life.

All you care about

is Leo Searly.

Three-time loser

and pathetic Peter Pan.

Soph... Sophie, just give me

another chance.

She ain't here, Fuzzy.

Read it. Read the letter!

Collegiate Mastermind...

Dear Eli Pettifog...

The Collegiate Mastermind

Committee hereby suspends you...

from the semi-final match of this year's

Final Four for actions unbecoming?

La-Ia-Ia... section four,

code 93...

You're not even allowed in the building.

Is this for real?

Yes, it's for real,

this is your fault, Leo.

You got me the team jackets.

You got me the van.

You made me popular.

How could you do those things?

I knew I shouldn't have enrolled

you in karate classes.

That's typical Leo Searly sarcasm. You

just don't care about anyone or anything.

Jesus Christ, I can't believe

this is happening.

I had Harvard dangling

over the falls, Leo.

You have to do something

about this.

You have to go to the

Collegiate Mastermind

headquarters and you have

to set them straight.

I can't do that.

Why not?

You just burst in their

offices...

you tell them you're my father and they're

messing with my destiny or something.

You know that there are some

things that you just can't change.

I thought you were afraid

to talk to me?

I've been suspended

from the semi-final match.

For karate? You idiot.

I know, but they never

even warned me.

I hope you consider coming to Whittman,

you're a wonderful candidate.

Thank you so much.

- Okay, see you. Bye-bye.

- Bye.

Do you ever consider the possibility

that maybe you're the patsy in all this?

I was set up?

Why would I be set up?

Look, they used you to bring

attention to the Mastermind.

But at the end of the day, they

were never gonna let you win.

You're collegiate white trash.

You're even more

paranoid than I am.

Things like this happen

all the time.

Hi.

Hi.

Hello.

Hello.

I've been looking all over for

you. What are you doing here?

Um, I just finished my interview

and then the campus store.

Now I'm in the library,

which is awesome.

I'm a little bit confused. Are you applying

for an after-school job or something?

No, um... I'm applying as a

student to Whittman College, Eli.

I thought you were 15. Have you

been lying to me about your age?

I am 15, and I'm

a high school senior.

Why wouldn't you tell me that?

Because I thought you

wouldn't like it.

And... why didn't you tell me about

the Collegiate Mastermind? Hm?

Is is because you wanted to keep

your townie girlfriend...

as far away from your real

life as you can?

I'm a townie, too, you know.

Then act like one.

You better go get her, Eli. Girls

like that don't grow in chat rooms.

And brush your hair.

Sh*t!

Dance.

Good shot.

Hey, Leo?

How are your testicles?

Hanging in there.

Yeah, you are.

Pettifog. Pettifog.

Pettifog!

I am one gloomy dick, Pettifog.

What's wrong?

What's wrong? You got suspended.

We're gonna lose.

Where'd you hear that?

Everywhere.

It's not true.

It's not?

No... it's... it's a ruse

to lull the opponent.

To a false sense of security.

Nobody knows but you and me.

That's just ingenious.

So, you still guarantee complete

annihilation and total victory?

100 percent.

How about another 10?

That's 110 percent.

There's no such thing.

I don't care.

Sophie?

This was the car you were gonna

teach me to drive in.

Well, why don't we

do that right now?

I already know how to drive.

You know I'm not really

a professor here, right?

I know, you're a freshman.

Which is 50-50 creepy to cool.

I was sure you hated me, I...

I did, until I saw you.

But you're such a lost goofball,

I can't help but not hate you.

Do you feel sorry for me?

Yeah.

Well, that's sweet.

Are you thinking

of coming to Whittman?

How would you feel about that?

I mean, it could be weird.

Well... I don't know,

thrilled that my daughter

is following after her

scholarly father.

What kind of grades you get?

- Straight A's.

- Yeah?

It's no big deal,

it's public school.

Still, that's great,

straight A's.

Can you afford it?

No, I can't afford it.

Well, you know, maybe there's something

I can do to help you out tuition-wise.

Are you serious?

You would do that?

Yeah, um, I'm not making any promises,

but I'll see what I can do. Um...

I didn't come here

for that, you know?

I know, look, I know,

I know, I know. I know.

- Hi.

- Hi.

I can't see you anymore.

I'm sorry. Can I come in?

Yeah, why can't you

see me anymore?

Well, because I just ran into my daughter

and I haven't seen her in a long time.

And it's just a little bit creepy, because

she kind of looks like... you get it?

That is so psychological.

Some kind of pathological narcissistic

father-daughter disorder or something.

Well, thanks very much,

and I'll see you around campus.

You sure you don't want to hang

out and study for a while?

Wow, um, uh... gosh,

I'm gonna go...

Leo... what the hell

are you doing here?

Hi, Benny, how are you?

Well, I've got a lot of things

I could complain about,

but try to say

only good things.

So, all right,

what's up with you?

Oh, I'm here

to place a bet, Benny.

Leo, you know that I'll never

take your bet, not ever.

Now what kind of bookie

doesn't take a bet?

The kind who feels guilty

for ruining your life.

But this is a good bet.

It's a bet with conscience.

Look, I'm sorry, Leo,

can't do it.

Benny, take my bet.

Would you please get up off the ground?

The sight

of you down there is

very disturbing to me.

I'm not getting up

until you take my bet.

- Oh, yeah?

- Yeah.

- Oh, yeah?

- Hm.

Really?

I'm not getting up until you get

out of here, you understand?

Look at you, Benny. You're on

your knees in your own office.

Look at you, you're begging me to

ruin your life all over again.

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