HairBrained Page #5

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I'm trying to pay for my

daughter's tuition.

Yeah.

Do you have any idea how much it

costs to go to college these days?

I don't know, like 20 grand?

Try 50 large.

50 large? Who the hell

can afford that?

I got 25, if I double it, then

Sophie can go to school for a year.

All right, what's the bet?

Harvard to take it all.

Harvard?

What are they gonna win?

Collegiate Mastermind.

What the hell

is Collegiate Mastermind?

Well, it's kind of like

Jeopardy, but without the money.

No money?

What's the point?

No money?

What's the point?

You are going to win the Collegiate

Mastermind National Championship. Say it.

You are going to win the

Collegiate Mastermind...

Stop. Stop. Not me, you.

Please say it again.

How can we win the Collegiate

Mastermind National Championship?

We haven't answered one single

question during the whole season.

Well, you didn't answer the questions,

but you knew the answers, right?

I didn't.

Not even one third of the answers?

One out of every three questions?

I did, I knew about a third.

Yeah, I guess I did, too.

Okay, and Alan knew the other third, so

the three of you guys make up one of me.

But...

You're pussies.

You guys are total pussies.

And pussies need balls,

so get some balls, guys.

Can you seriously picture

Alan with balls?

Mm?

Eli.

Alan?

Up here, Eli.

Last night, I had a dream.

The Poughkeepsie Music Hall...

Poughkeepsie, New York, semi-final

match of the Final Four...

I was nailing question

after question.

How did it end? In your triumph?

Nope.

Ended when I mutated into a rabbit

and shitted all over the stage.

You weren't a rabbit, you idiot.

You were a Warring Hare.

- Really?

- Yes.

But what does the sh*t signify?

Purging of your doubts.

Man... I got a lot of doubts.

Because Harvard's burning.

Turn off the municipal water

system.

Because Harvard's burning.

Something smells good.

Because Harvard's burning.

We're here.

Okay, now I'm nervous.

I'm gonna try and get in anyway.

Good luck to us all.

Warring Hares from

leafy Whittman College.

Searly, Leo.

Pettifog, I can't let you in the

building until after the semi-finals.

- What are you talking about?

- He's the best...

- Excuse me.

- Okay, you're b...

- What are you talking about?

- I'll watch the guys.

I can't let you in.

Sorry.

There's something very different

about you this year.

The moustache... my moustache

came in.

It's not your moustache.

Moustache is in.

Something I can't quite run my

fingers through.

You know, Spencer...

We're on, guys.

I'm sorry, here we go.

Ooh, we have arrived.

Fruit plate.

You know Shrek's wife Fiona?

Mm-hm.

I bet her hoo-hah

looks just like this.

Why did it take you so long to

say something romantic?

Hey, guys, let's bring it in.

Huddle up... into a square.

Circle, triangle, whatever.

Are you gonna psyche us up

instead of Eli?

In my own way. You made

it to the Final Four.

You're already winners, right?

Right, right? Right. Let's take

a moment to cherish that.

This is something that you're going

to share with your children.

The foundation of good character

is based on losing.

In fact, what makes a good

winner... is a good loser.

What's the difference

between winning and losing?

Except joy and pain.

So, let's go out there with our

heads held high... and lose one.

In that old Whittman style.

- We're coming to you live...

- Coming to you live.

...from the Poughkeepsie Music Hall

and what a beautiful venue this is.

Gorgeous down there.

Where the Stanford Cardinal will

be taking on the...

Whittman Warring Hares of

Whittman College.

Who are playing without their

star, Eli Pettifog, who is...

He's been suspended. He's been

suspended one game for showboating.

He's gonna be back if they

advance to the Finals.

What is up with you?

This Whittman thong is itching

me something fierce.

Can we have tickets?

I really need tickets.

Sh*t! Sh*t.

Why were you acting so

creepy in the library?

I don't know. Why were you

acting so creepy in the library?

I just... I just came over...

I'm sorry.

Yeah, sorry.

Oh, I have lip gloss.

No, screw the lip gloss, okay?

Yo, good luck, Stanford.

Remember, guys, even without Pettifog,

the Hares are still dangerous.

Bullshit. Without Pettifog, they

can't even spell Pettifog.

Hey, watch the karma violation.

Karma, karma, karma, karma,

karma chameleon.

You come and go.

You come and go.

Oh, sh*t.

Stanford Cardinal, please report

backstage to check in.

Final call, final call, Stanford

Cardinal.

We're currently waiting for the

Stanford Cardinal to arrive.

I think it's a mind game. I think what

Stanford is doing is a mind game.

I think they're just trying to upset these

Whittman Warring Hares by not showing up.

- I think it's bad karma, myself.

- Yeah.

I don't know where they are. I saw the

in the hotel this morning at breakfast.

A little bleary-eyed,

probably from studying

and/or partying they

did last night.

But they look great,

these kids...

we all shared some of the cottage cheese.

I got a bowl of cottage cheese there.

Really?

Put some sugar on it yourself and

grab yourself a pineapple ring...

and put the cottage cheese

on there.

And load that sucker with sugar and have

yourself some delicious French roast...

that they have at the continental

breakfast, a croissant, maybe?

Right.

Do not let them get into your

head, Gertrude.

The match should have

started 20 minutes ago.

Those Stanford fools

are driving me crazy.

Good afternoon, Whittman.

The Stanford Cardinal

have failed to appear...

and are disqualified.

Congratulations,

you advance to the Finals.

Benny Greenberg.

Benny Greenberg.

Hi, Benny, it's me, it's Leo. Really

be good if I could talk to you.

Hey, so what's Eli's bedroom IQ?

Cut it out, you jerks.

Okay?

Seriously, we're about to play

the match of our lives.

What should we do?

We'll practice celebrating.

Create a mental picture of

Harvard lying on the stage.

You know, they're crying,

they're fouling their pants.

They're bleeding

from their ears...

and you all are gyrating obscenely

over their fallen bodies. Okay?

I want some pie.

Do you want some pie?

Yeah.

Do you want blueberry?

I heard they have an awesome

peach one. Banana...

I actually have to pee.

Oh, I'll be over there.

Dual vivimus vivamus.

While we live, let's live.

Porcellian Club, Harvard's most

secret society.

Members often call it "The PC".

And "The Porc". I'm not a member, so

I just call it the Porcellian Club.

Nobody is a member until they become a

member, but once a member, always a member.

Like an alma mater.

Only much, much better.

Maybe next time around.

Look at me, Eli.

There is no next time around.

If you let Harvard win, I can

make you a Harvard student.

Consider it.

He said that if I take

a dive in the final

match, I go to Harvard

on a full scholarship.

Does that include a graduate

degree?

Who needs a graduate degree?

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