HairBrained Page #6

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Well, what was your answer?

I didn't have one.

I still don't have one.

I gotta go, just don't follow

me, don't try to find me, agh!

I'm gyrating. I'm gyrating.

No, no, no, it's like this.

You're the rice in my beans,

baby.

Uh, hey, is Eli around?

- You guys don't know where he is?

- Is something wrong?

Everything is fine. He's probably just

getting in the zone all by himself.

What's going on?

What's going on, what?

He's obviously not here.

I know he's not here.

So let's go, let's go.

So, later.

- Eli?

- Eli.

Eli?

We should go back and wait

for him in the dressing room.

What are you talking about? He's

not going to the dressing room.

He could be anywhere.

We are live in Poughkeepsie,

New York...

for the 49th annual Collegiate

Mastermind Tournament Championship.

And right off the bat,

we have a shocker.

Oh, boy.

Whittman College's star player

Eli Pettifog is a no-show.

I think that their chances have

gone from long shot...

to no shot here against the

Harvard Crimson ruling elite.

There.

What are you doing, Eli?

Eli.

He can't talk, but his Lego

skills are ridiculous.

Hmm.

Come on, let's go.

The match is starting.

Keep on building.

Holy sh*t, no Pettifog.

Oh, no, I forgot to go

to the bathroom.

Good afternoon, ladies and

gentlemen...

and welcome to this year's Collegiate

Mastermind Championship Match.

Featuring the Harvard Crimson.

Against the Whittman

Warring Hare.

The first question is a toss-up.

When was the stethoscope

invented and by whom?

1816, by

Ren-Thophile-Hyacinthe Laennec.

That is right.

Here's your bonus.

Despite her French-sounding name,

Marie Curie was from what country?

Poland.

That is right.

Here's a toss-up.

Who was the only Major League pitcher

to throw a no-hitter while on LSD?

Doc Ellis.

That is correct.

Where's Pettifog?

Here's your bonus.

What was the last country to

stop legally producing LSD?

Czechoslovakia in 1975.

That is right.

This humiliation

is gonna go viral.

It was Michigan in the semi-finals and now

it is a young, plucky band of kids...

from Whittman College who are

feeling Harvard's wrath.

Ugh, it's not pretty out there.

I didn't think they had a chance

from the beginning...

but now this sad Cinderella

story is coming to a close.

Now the cards were stacked against

Whittman to begin with, even with...

Eli? Eli!

Excuse me, I made the decision that is

going to determine my future and yours.

I reject friendship, I reject love,

and I reject Collegiate Mastermind.

Iron Chef Michael Simon attended

which Cleveland area high school?

Saint Edward High School

in Lakewood.

That is right.

Make it look like your

buzzers don't work.

Toss up. What animal is

incapable of seeing the sky?

I take it back.

Five seconds, Whittman.

Something in my head is saying

gashon, gashon, gashon.

What the hell is gashon?

It's a pig. The pig.

That is right.

Here's your bonus.

These ancient people were

sometimes accompanied

to the grave with

their herds of pigs.

The southern white cracker loves

his swine.

The cracker is an ancient. Polish

people are true pig lovers.

The Chinese!

That is correct.

Yeah! Uh-oh!

The ugliest sight in the world is the

sight of simple people being happy.

Toss up.

What ill-fated computer platform was

released on the 23rd of April, 1983?

The Apple 3.

That is right.

How did you know that?

- I didn't know I did.

- Here's your bonus.

Who was the forgotten

founder of Apple and what

was his greatest

contribution to the company?

Ron Wayne, he designed

the first logo.

You nailed it!

Yeah, Gertrude.

Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah.

Wow, a sign of life from these

Whittman Hares.

Nah, I think it's gonna be too

little, too late, Spencer.

Coming up on the two-minute warning,

I think Whittman's fate is all but sealed.

Let's not get too excited yet...

Harvard has been answering questions

like this for 500, 600 years.

They could beat Harvard

without you.

Toss up. Who performed

the only instrumental

song to have been banned

from American radio?

And what was the name of the

song?

- Holy spasticature.

- Oh! Down and out!

I'll tell you, that's the

most exciting moment

in Collegiate Mastermind

history, that is.

Wow, let's see that again.

Here you go, hold it, wait for it.

He's gonna clip the podium right...

Pow. Bing.

That's gonna shave

a few points of the old GPA.

Oh, don't you know it. He is a bleeder

that little kid, that smartie.

Ladies and gentlemen,

a member of the

Whittman side has sustained

a serious injury.

Whittman has three minutes

to produce their alternate.

You're now the alternate, Eli.

If you're not on that stage in three

minutes, Whittman will be disqualified.

I'd stay where you are, Eli.

A king always needs his castle.

Let me put it in context. How long

have you dreamed of going to Harvard?

My whole life.

How long have you dreamed

of beating Harvard?

A couple of months.

You're gonna have to honor

the big dream, Eli.

Yeah.

Wait, what the hell are you

doing?

I mean, do you really want to screw your

school, your team and your friends?

Get some balls, Eli,

and go out there and win it.

It's his right.

How's your brain feeling?

- I can't do this.

- Get out there.

I don't know what the f***

I'm supposed to do, guys.

Things just got interesting.

Eli Pettifog, the Whittman Hares star

player just stepped out on the stage.

That boy has not missed

a question all season long.

He has got brains.

Yes.

He's got hair.

Where the hell have you been?

Where the hell have you been?

You don't want to know.

Yes, we do.

Whittman has produced their

alternate, so let's resume.

Benny here.

- Benny, it's me, it's Leo.

- Yeah?

I want to take the bet back,

the Harvard bet?

Leo, I never put the bet through.

It doesn't exist.

You should be thanking me.

Hey, Leo? You're welcome.

Thank you, Benny.

Toss up.

Who said, "A whale ship was my

Yale College and my Harvard?"

I can't, I can't.

You better.

Five seconds.

Come on, guys.

I would say Melville.

Then say it.

Herman Melville.

That is right.

For your bonus, at the time of his

death, Herman Melville was so obscure...

the New York Times misidentified

him in his obituary.

I know this.

What name did they use?

Henry Melville.

That is right.

Whittman! Go, Whittman!

We have a tie score.

I can't believe we're

tied with Harvard.

I can't believe they're

tied with Harvard.

I can't believe they're tied

with Harvard.

This next question will

determine the championship.

Toss up. Iceland and England broke

off diplomatic relations in 1976.

What dispute caused the split?

Do you know?

No.

20 seconds.

Dude, come on, Eli,

set yourself free, man.

Ten seconds.

Cod? Cod!

Fishing.

Rights!

That is... right!

It's unbelievable. Harvard goes

down! Harvard goes down!

The Whittman Warring Hares are this year's

champions of the Collegiate Mastermind.

We did it, you guys, we...

Oh, my god.

You are the greatest

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