Half Baked Page #5

- l will.

- Jan.

Thank you, Jan. Yeah.

That's what

l'm talkin' about.

Bully, man. Yeah.

Jan, will you be

my girlfriend ?

l would... but l'm gay,

you know ?

- Ohh.

- l'm a big dyke.

What's that like ?

-

- Thank you for calling.

Thank you very much. Bye-bye.

We had to hire that girl Jan

'cause she followed Brian.

- But it actually worked out.

- Mr. Nice Guy.

She was more organized than we were,

and she was willing to work for weed.

All right, then.

Mr. Nice Guy

was blowin' up, man.

We got customers

from all over New York.

- We even stole a few from Samson.

-

Oh, what's up, n*gger ?

Come on in, man.

Come on, weed man.

Thanks, baby.

Get on. Beat it.

You're scarin' him.

Ha ! Sir Smoka Lot.

- What can l get you today, Smoka Lot ?

- Love weed.

Um, let me get a pound

of your sweetest chiva.

Damn. Yes ! Somethin' told me

to bring a lot of weed, man.

Aw, sh*t. Pound

of my sweetest chiva.

- Don't get no better than that.

- Can smell it through the bag.

That's gonna be

Let's see what l got here.

Come on, man. Hang out

for a minute. Smoke with me.

l got weed. l got my bong out.

Come on, son.

For you, man,

l'll stay for a minute.

But then l gotta be--

gotta be goin'.

l understand.

And Smoka Lot opened up to me like l

was Barbara Walters. lt was ridiculous.

- He told me about his lawyer.

- He had sex with my mama ! Why ?

- His spirituality.

- God, if you listenin'... help !

- His bad back.

- Doctor said l need a backeotomy.

- His love life.

- l'm impotent, man.

Get away from me, b*tch !

-l mean, talk about a guy with problems.

-Tough break.

- l can't take it no more.

- No wonder he smokes a pound a week.

- Somebody ?

- So now we had a famous clientele and--

Greeneyes gonna miss ya.

- And guess what else ?

- Call me next week...

about weed, about weed.

l got more booty !

l got more booty !

l don't mean

to rub it in, folks.

lt's just that, you know,

l liked this so much, man.

When l was with her,

l didn't even think about weed.

- Didn't have to.

- Bye.

- She was all the Mary Jane l needed.

-

When l was young

l never needed anyone

Makin' love

was just for fun

Those days are gone

All by myself

What did l tell you, Nate ?

Come on. Come on.

Come on. Come on, Nate.

-

- He had to stay vigilant.

- Wash off your han--

- Kenny's butthole

was in constant jeopardy.

- But we were makin' money.

- Hey, what's up, mates ?

- What's up, man ?

- What's up, boy ?

- What's up, yo ?

- Nada. l'm just chillin'.

Hey, guys. Why is there a dog

biting The Guy ?

- 'Cause l bought a dog, B.

- Bought a dog ?

- For how much ?

- Oh, it's cool. Yo, he's used.

lncluding the house,

it was only 250, yo.

You spent $250

on a used dog ?

And a dog house, yo.

Brian bought something too.

For $400, l got Jerry Garcia

in a pouch, man.

- Who the hell told you that ?

- The guy who sold it to me.

Barry Garcia.

And what he's supposed to be ?

Jerry Garcia's brother ?

No. Actually,

it's Andy Garcia's brother.

Why the hell

are you guys spendin' money ?

We're not drug dealers, remember ?

- We're fund-raisers.

- Well, you said you gave

Mary Jane a pearl necklace.

- How much did that cost, man ?

- Ah.

You know, obviously you missed

the point of that story, Brian.

- Come on, guys. Return this sh*t.

- We can't, yo.

- Why am l tellin' Mary Jane

l don't have any money ?

- 'Cause you're a fibber.

No, because we don't

have any money.

The money we do have

is not for spending.

lt's for saving Kenny's

sweet virgin ass, man !

lf you guys spend one more dime,

l swear l will b*tch-slap you.

Gimme that.

Sorry for yelling.

But l'm serious.

We gotta start

bein' more responsible and focused.

All right ? Let's be sharp.

Scarface, your dog is mean, man.

l know, all right.

Somebody gotta do somethin'

about this sh*t right now.

Mmm. Come here, doggie.

- Hey, little fella. Smell it ?

-

Hey ! Smell it.

Okay. All right. Mm.

- Good boy.

-

- He likes it.

- He loves it, man.

- Of course he loves it.

- Yeah, your paws are tingling,

aren't they ?

- Now you're one of us.

-

- Get it, Killer.

-

- He likes it, yo.

- Yeah, man,

he really likes it.

- Good for you, man.

- Man, what did you guys do to him, yo ?

- Nothin', man.

- Yo, Killer. Kill ! Killer, kill !

This weed is fantastic !

We kept pluggin' away

with the weed deliveries,

and we kept meetin' different kinds

of smokers, like this lady.

- She's an ''l'm Only Creative

lf l Smoke'' smoker.

- Hi.

She believes weed, and only weed,

brings out the artist in her.

- Would you like to hear

some of my poetry ?

- Not really.

You really should.

l have killed.

l have helped kill.

l have killed part of myself.

l cannot change this, l.

l must seek Buddha.

l must seek Christ.

You must seek therapy. That's what

l would go with, but that's my own--

The MacGyver smoker

is a very handy guy to have around,

especially when it comes

to reefer.

Hey, man,

we're out of papers.

All right. Then get me a toilet paper

roll, a corkscrew and some tin foil.

We don't have a corkscrew.

All right. Then get me an avocado,

an ice pick and my snorkel.

Trust me, bro.

l've made bongs with less. Hurry up !

- And then you got

your straight-up potheads.

- Ooh !

You can spot these people

by their lack of motivation,

mood swings, forgetfulness and,

of course, the dreaded low sperm count.

l don't know

which one of these categories

we fall into, but l'll tell you this:

We ain't no goddamn potheads.

Hmm.

Sh*t.

Then you have

the avid nonsmoker.

A lot of times they'll get

your number accidentally

from one of their girlfriends,

call up and place an order

knowing they don't smoke weed...

and request

that you personally deliver it.

Then when you get there, they're

all mad that it's you sellin' weed.

You smoke weed ? At last

we can share everything.

Get off me, you lying

son of a b*tch ! What is this ?

Looks like some sort

of a business card.

Yeah, with your number on it.

You know, l can't believe this !

l can't believe that l fell for another

one of you lowlife a**holes again.

- God, what is wrong with me ?

- Hey--

Hey, Mary Jane, l can explain

everything, all right ?

- Good-bye, Thurgood.

- Wait ! Hold up !

Hey, Mary Jane !

Mary Jane, look, the only reason

l lied to you was because l like you...

and l wanted

to be with you.

Mary Jane.

Knight Rider.

A shadowy flight

into the dangerous world...

of a man who does not exist.

Thurgood, why the long face, man?

- Mary Jane dumped me.

- Shh. Quiet down, yo.

- Sir Smoka Lot's on TV.

- Cecil ?

When life is hard, l pick up

that card with the smiley face

- Call him over to my place

-

Box it

Man, it gets you high

-

- And that's

when things started going wrong.

Samson, it looks like somebody

is cuttin' into your business, baby.

- Sh*t.

- Do you like what you see, Samson ?

Do l look like

l like what l see ?

Who is this

Mr. Nice Guy ?

l would imagine he's

Rate this script:4.0 / 1 vote