Half Baked Page #4

Um, is Thurgood around ?

- Speaking.

- Oh, hey, hey. lt's Mary Jane.

Do you remember ? l gave you

a ride home from prison ?

Well, could you be

a little more specific ?

l get so many rides home

from prison.

That was a joke.

Oh.

What happened ? l didn't think

you were gonna call me.

Well, l wasn't, but then l decided

l don't care what my friends think.

See, that was a joke.

Get it ?

- A little joke.

- Not funny.

So, you wanna

get together ?

Okay. Sure. When ?

How 'bout right now ? Just meet me

at the place you dropped us off at.

Okay. Can you give me

half an hour ?

- Yeah, half an hour's cool.

- Great.

- All right. Okay.

- l'll see you there.

- Bye.

- Bye-bye.

l've got a date with Mary Jane !

- Word, yo ?

- Yes !

- All right, man.

- Y'all got money ?

The date couldn't

have come at a worse time.

l was flat broke.

All my money was tied up

in our drug-dealing venture.

l only had eight bucks.

This was gonna take some careful

budgeting and maneuvering.

- Hey.

- Watch the master at work.

- You look great. You look wonderful.

- Thank you.

You know what ? l was thinkin'

it's so nice out,

wanna go for a walk ?

Yeah, sure.

We can go for a walk.

Good. Good. Let's.

So far, so good.

Three hours and 14 miles later,

l hadn't spent one penny.

Damn, l was good !

- And then it happened.

- l'm hungry too.

- Hey, you wanna

eat at the Happy Palace ?

- Uh, how 'bout a hot dog, huh ?

- Hey, what luck.

- Hot dog.

- Hey, what can l get you ?

- Could l have a hot dog

with ketchup and sauerkraut ?

- Sauerkraut's 50 cents extra.

- Damn !

l've not had a hot dog

in so long.

- Come on. Let's get out of here.

- Anything to drink ?

- You son of a b*tch !

- Yes. Could l have a Pepsi, please ?

- Anything for you, sir ?

- No. l'm fine. Thank you.

- Greedy bastard !

- Didn't you promise me

ice cream the other day ?

l know a really

good place uptown.

Great. Let's hoof it.

Um, do you mind if we take

a cab this time ?

Sure.

Thanks a lot, buddy.

You should be happy

with the tip l gave you. Damn.

- You should be kissing my ass.

- You guys are greedy.

Best ice cream in town.

- Spare change for some food ?

- Oh.

- Don't mind if l do.

- Thanks, young brother.

No, thank you.

- Mmm. Mmm-mmm.

- Yeah, l mean, l do miss my dad.

But... he deserves

to be where he is.

Drug dealers belong

in jail.

Yeah. Yeah, wow.

Yeah. Um, how long

he been in there ?

- Four years next month.

- Four years.

- And what exactly was he sellin' ?

- Marijuana.

Four years

just for weed ? Damn !

Just ? No, no, no, no.

Not just.

Marijuana is terrible.

lt's a gateway drug.

l mean, everybody knows

that it leads to other stuff.

Yeah, mostly junk food.

You don't smoke weed, do you ?

Come on, Mary Jane.

l mean, do l look like somebody

that would smoke... marijuana ?

So you swear you don't ?

Yeah, sure.

Okay, well, swear on this banana split

that you don't do marijuana.

What ? Oh, my God.

Do you swear ?

Yes, Mary Jane. l swear.

That you got pretty eyes.

That's good.

That's real good.

l got some booty. l got some booty.

l got some booty.

lt was really good too.

Ooh, she was a giver,

a caring nurturer.

She held me in her arms, and it was

like l was 15 years old all over again.

- l was hooked on Mary Jane.

-

The next mornin' the phones blew up like

we were havin' a f***in' telethon, man.

Everybody in New York was callin'

to get down with Mr. Nice Guy.

We met all kinds of customers,

like this guy here.

He's what we call

an enhancement smoker,

'cause he thinks marijuana

makes every activity that much better.

- Mi casa es su casa.

- Observe.

- You're Scarface, right ?

- Yeah.

l love Al Pacino, man.

- Did you ever see Scent of a Woman ?

- Yep.

Did you ever see

Scent of a Woman... on weed ?

That's the way to see it, man !

lt's just whacked ! Pow !

- Sixty bucks, yo.

- That's cool, man.

l got it. l got it.

- Did you ever see

the back of a $20 bill, man ?

- Man, l don't know, yo.

Did you ever see the back

of a $20 bill... on weed ?

Oh, there's some weird sh*t

in there, man !

There's a dude sittin' in the bushes.

Does he have a gun ?

l don't know, man.

What ? What ?

Red team go. Red team go.

- Just some weird sh*t, man.

- Man, you're f***in' crazy, yo.

- Take your sh*t.

- No, that's cool. Thanks, man.

Hey, yo, wait ! Dude, l'm gonna

check out the stars later.

lt's really trippy.

Especially on weed, man.

A scavenger smoker is

someone who never has weed of their own.

But as soon as you smoke it,

here they come.

- Damn !

- What up ?

- Man !

What's up, dogs ? Scoot over.

Let me get in here, man.

- What y'all doin'?

- Nothin'.

- Nothin'?

- Yeah, just chillin'.

What's the matter ?

Let me inhale it. Let me have some.

All right, man.

Just one hit, you scavenger.

Always come around.

Can't even smoke weed

in peace.

l ain't even into the

motherf***er yet. Back up, brother.

You know we sell this ?

l don't know if you knew that.

lt's too bad, man.

l just stopped smokin' yesterday.

l'm gonna get up out of here.

Y'all stay up, now. Nice seeing y'all.

- Yeah. Look at that sh*t.

- Man.

Then there's the ''You

Should've Been There'' smoker.

They love talkin' about the old days,

back when weed was grass.

Hell, back in the '60s, we used to

smoke that sh*t on the street.

Cops didn't say nothin'.

Hell, they was gettin' high too.

Everybody was doin' it.

- Mm.

- lt wasn't the thing to do because

it was the thing to do, you know ?

lt was the thing to do

because it got you high.

- Can you dig ?

- l feel ya. That's why l'm doin' it.

l feel it. Man, you're cool

as sh*t, mister.

l hate to do it, but l gotta

charge you. That's 60 bucks.

- Sixty bucks ?

- Yeah.

Man, l remember when a dime bag

cost a dime, you know what l mean ?

- You know how much condoms

used to cost in them days ?

- How much ?

l don't know.

l-- We never used 'em.

We call this kid

the ''After School Special'' smoker.

He spends all

of his allowance on reefer.

Thanks, little buddy.

Now, in the next room, his father,

an ''l'm 40, But l'm Still Cool'' smoker,

is tokin' up, trying to figure

out a way to bond with his son.

lsn't that ironic ?

Don't you think ?

'Course across town, the kid's Nana's

smokin' up, tryin' to ease her glaucoma.

And it's good

for arthritis too.

- We made over 20 grand

that first week, man.

-

And because we were stealin' the weed,

not buyin' it, it was all profit.

But if we were gonna save Kenny,

we had to deliver full-time.

Scarface quit his job.

Still waiting

on that Heifer, Julio.

F*** you. F*** you.

F*** you. You're cool.

And f*** you. l'm out !

Brian was gonna quit,

but they fired him before he could.

Don't worry. Don't worry.

l'm not gonna do what

everyone thinks l'm gonna do:

Flip out, man !

All l wanna know is:

who's comin' with me ?

Who's comin', man ?

Who's comin' with me ?

Huh ? Who's comin' with me, man ?

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