Half Magic

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1

[MUSIC PLAYING]

WOMAN:
Danny, don't splash me!

[LAUGHS]

Stop. I'm getting wet.

-MAN:
That's the idea.

-[WOMAN GIGGLING]

-WOMAN:
Stop it.

-Hi, sweetie.

MAN:
Oh, come on!

Come on,

let's go back to my place.

WOMAN:
Maybe we should wait.

MAN:
Wait, schmait!

These two people

are not married,

and they're going

to have premarital sex.

You could go to hell for that.

All right, that's it.

You're not allowed

to watch this show anymore.

It inspires urges that are...

-wrong and bad.

-WOMAN:
Let's go to your place.

MAN:
Groovy!

You could go to hell

for those urges.

In hell, there is a fire

that will lap at you

for all eternity.

You gotta decide...

Do you want to go to heaven,

or do you wanna go to hell?

-[GASPS]

-[ORGAN PLAYING]

-[PANTING]

-[MAN GRUNTING]

Yeah. You a bad girl? Huh?

You a bad girl?

-I'm a bad girl.

-Yeah!

You're a dirty little slut, huh?

Dirty little slut,

-yeah.

-Um, yes.

Say it. Say you're a dirty slut.

-I'm a dirty slut.

-Yeah, you're a dirty slut!

[GROANING]

Oh. Hmm.

Hmm. Hmm.

Okay.

Oh.

[SIGHS]

Mm.

Why do you always call me

a dirty little slut?

Ah.

Come on. You love it.

I like having sex on a bed.

Is this because maybe

you're, uh, you're jealous

that I'm more successful

than you?

-[DOOR KNOCKING]

-MAN:
Mr. Brock,

we're ready for you onstage.

Peter, you have been in one

great movie after another.

Walk me through your process.

How do you prepare for this?

I tell you,

I play a lot of action heroes.

Um...

and in those-- in those movies,

I have heavy artillery.

I have guns,

okay?

I have a gun on me right now.

Not physically,

in the physical sense.

I put it on the table earlier.

It's right here.

Imagine it, okay?

-It's an emotional gun for me.

-Right.

This gun's here...

all the time.

Sometimes I put it in my pocket,

sometimes I put it in my...

That's how I prepare.

I'm always ready.

I'm always the action hero.

Bang! Not real.

But real.

-MAN:
Uh--

-I'll do it.

Don't do it.

I won't do it.

You've been doing this

for years, and years and years.

Certainly, you've heard some

of the talk on the streets.

People say that Peter is

just a tough guy,

a hard guy to work with.

How do you respond to that?

Yeah, Napoleon died exiled

on an island of-- of leprosy.

That's-- that's true.

-That's history.

-MAN:
Yeah.

Jesus died on the cross,

you know?

Um, visionaries die

sometimes quicker

than non-visionaries.

You're a visionary?

PETER:
Thank you.

But I'm not saying--

-Oh, you're asking. I think...

-It was a question.

...um, I think that's up

for kinda the press to decide,

and I think that bloggers,

and people

who write physical magazines

have said I was a-- a visionary.

People have--

have tweeted me about that.

You know,

you made Bros Before Hos.

Why don't you make

the female version?

I-- I wrote a great script.

It's called Chicks Before D*cks.

-Did you read it?

-Uh, look, Boo Boo,

you have all the talent.

You really do.

And I'm the one

that discovered you

and gave you

your big break, right?

-Yeah.

-Yeah, I promoted you

-to be my D girl, right?

-I want to be a writer.

I know you want to be a writer,

and in due time.

Really. Your writing is great.

It's fresh and very unique.

But you're bogging yourself down

talking about stupid sh*t.

You know what? You--

Nobody wants to hear about

women's stories, all right?

If you want to make a film,

you got to talk about a man.

You gotta write about a man.

That's what you have to do.

Well, can you read my script?

It's called The Year of My Yoni.

It's about a woman

who goes on a spiritual quest

to find happiness

and to learn about her yoni.

Yoni? I don't even know

what that is.

Is that, like, a new way

of saying "vagina"?

It sounds like a porno.

I'm not into it.

Look, a guy

bashing another guy's skull in

with a baseball bat,

that's what sells.

Well, I could change the title

to The Ultra-Violent Yoni.

You know, that's a good start.

You could put more violence

in your script,

that'd definitely get

a better chance

of getting it made. Um,

on my end, I'm gonna put

more female characters

-in my next script.

-Really?

Yeah, uh,

it's called Kill the Sluts.

Uh, I'm gonna pick a title

that's more PC

a little bit later.

That's a working title.

But basically, uh,

the movie's about this crazy

psychopathic killer

that goes on a killing rampage

and kills

all these teenage sluts.

But the only person

that he can't kill

is an 18-year-old virgin.

Don't you think that'll send

out a weird message to women

and teenage girls about sex?

And those women

might grow up

and have a lot of issues.

I'm not saying

I'm against women's rights.

I'm just saying that

there's no market

for their films.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[SIGHS]

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

-[LAUGHS]

-WOMAN:
Hello!

[GASPS]

-Welcome!

-Welcome, goddess!

Is this your first time?

-I guess so.

-Are you ready

to uncover your deepest desires

and join

the pleasure revolution?

-HONEY:
I don't know.

-That's good enough for now.

You are in exactly

the right place.

-ROXY:
Yes! Welcome!

-HONEY:
Oh.

Fear! So what?

Failure! So what?

WOMAN:
My p*ssy is strong!

My p*ssy is strong!

My p*ssy is a genius!

ALL:
My p*ssy is a genius!

We must listen to our pussies.

ALL:
We must listen

to our pussies.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

Ladies, I would now like

to introduce you

to a dear friend of mine,

my mentor,

-Dr. Christiane Northrup!

-[CHEERING]

-What a pleasure.

-Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

All right...

I have something...

really magical to tell you.

I love my breasts.

Say it with me.

ALL:
I love my breasts.

I love your breasts, too, Chris.

-And I love yours. Thank you.

-Oh, thank you.

Now it is time to honor

the breasts of the women

in the room.

I would like you to turn

to the person next to you,

and look at her breasts

and say,

"Your bodacious ta-tas honor

me and they honor you."

Find-- everybody find

a partner, please.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Excuse me, could you--

could you be my partner?

-WOMAN:
Yes, sure.

-Okay.

Hi! I don't have a partner.

Is it possible we could do

a three-way?

I've never done a three-way.

This is my third time

taking the class.

First time...

I liked my b*obs.

Second time, I loved my b*obs.

Now...

[WHISPERING] I really, really

love my b*obs.

-Mm!

-Wow.

Yeah. This is a powerful

exercise to release the shame

that we carry

in our sexual organs.

Okay! [SIGHS]

Your bodacious ta-tas honor me

and they honor you.

Your bodacious ta-tas honor me

and they honor you.

Okay!

Your bodacious ta-tas honor me

and they honor you.

Wow! This is my first

lesbian experience.

I didn't know I had it in me.

[LAUGHS]

Okay. I--

are you Eva St. Claire

the designer?

-Yes.

-Wow, I'm--

Why are you in this class?

You seem so together.

Believe me...

I have issues.

WOMAN:
That is now the end

of the class

for the Divine

Feminine Workshop.

We will be meeting next week

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