Half Magic Page #2

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to worship

-and decorate our pussies.

-[GASPS]

[CHEERING]

WOMAN:
Thank you.

[ALL CHANTING] P*ssy! P*ssy!

P*ssy! P*ssy!

This class changed my life.

This class,

my color-therapy workshops,

and my past-life

regression conferences.

-What's color therapy?

-Oh!

It's about how certain colors

make you feel.

That sounds helpful.

Oh!

Do you guys want to come

to the place where I work?

I cast magical spells to make

your dreams come true.

I'm a hope-ologist.

-What's a hope-ologist?

-I just made that word up.

Isn't it awesome?

I believe in the religion

of hope, or hope-ology.

I just made that up, too!

I just spent an hour

singing about my p*ssy,

so why the hell not?

Yeah, I mean, it's either that

or going home

to think about how much

I hate myself,

-so let's do it.

-Let's do it!

Sha-ba-lum ah-ooh

Sha-ba-lum

Ah-ooh sha-ba-lum

Ah-ooh

This place is really cool.

CANDY:
Okay.

So...

what do you want to wish for?

-How does it work?

-Oh...

I carve these candles

and cast spells on them.

I don't know

if it's positive intention

or creative visualization

or actual magic,

but these spells work

for a lot of people.

Some of my regulars

call me The Witch.

-What kind of spells?

-Oh! All kinds.

Some for serious stuff, like

for love, or work and stuff,

but some fun ones, too, like,

"I want my own unicorn."

They aren't magical.

They're overpriced candles

for rich idiots

who got nothing better to do.

Your paycheck's on my desk.

Can you take out the trash

while you're at it?

I don't want

the rats getting in there.

Sorry, Mr. J.

Did Mr. Fun Time

just call us idiots?

What an a**hole.

I think some people

just don't have

enough imagination.

Honey,

I think you should go first.

[SIGHS] Okay. Um, hmm.

Well, I want to have hot sex

with someone

who's really nice to me. [SIGHS]

Hot sex. Yes. Give it to me!

I want that, too.

I want to not fall asleep

during sex.

I want to be awake.

I want to be...

an active part of it.

-Okay, I want in. I want in!

-Okay.

Um...

I'm gonna use the red candle

for passion.

So...

you hold the candle

and you think

about what you want

to release from your life,

and then

think about what you want.

Picture the hot sex.

Okay.

All right.

I want to have

the hottest sex I've ever had

with someone

who's really nice to me.

And so mote it be.

"Mote"?

It's witch talk

for "and so shall it be."

Witch talk.

I like it.

Okay.

You guys, I really just want

my ex-husband back.

[SIGHS] I don't need hot sex.

I mean, like...

room-temperature-warm sex

would be nice

for me. Here we go.

-[SIGHS]

-And so mote it be.

And so mote it be.

Hmm.

I want hot sex with Daniel.

-So mote it be.

-So mote it be.

[SIGHS]

Okay, I don't know

if all of this is BS,

but I actually feel better.

Oh, my God, I'm invited

to a fun party tonight!

Do you guys want to go with me?

-Yeah!

-CANDY:
Yeah!

I got the light

I got the light

I got the light

I got the light

I got the light

[CHEERING]

I got the light

-CANDY:
Oh, my God.

-Wait for it.

I got the light

Oh, yeah! Here we go.

[GASPS] Ah!

Oh, my God! Amazing!

Hi!

I got the light

[GIGGLING]

-[CHEERING]

-[EVA SCREAMS]

EVA:
Oh, my God.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[HONEY CHEERING]

I got the light

I got the light

-Hey!

-Ah!

-EVA:
Hi!

-It's so good to see you, babe.

Good to see you, too.

And who is your gorgeous friend?

EVA:
Oh, uh...

Honey, this is Freedom.

He's a great artist.

He does

these cool light installations.

-HONEY:
Nice to meet you.

-Nice to meet you.

[CHUCKLING]

I would really love to show you

my art installations.

I would love

to see your art installations.

Yeah, I'd really love to dance

with you right now.

-Okay!

-Yeah.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

I got the light

I got the light

I got the light

Oh I got the light

-Want to get something to eat?

-[SIGHS]

I-- I can't, 'cause I have

to get up early tomorrow,

and I have a boyfriend.

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

What's that?

"No one...

can take away the dance."

-[CHUCKLES]

-It's a Spanish saying.

No matter what happens,

we'll always have

this wonderful night...

and our dance.

HONEY:
Oh.

Thanks for your jacket.

[CHUCKLES]

That was fun.

I got the light

I got the light

I got the light

-The dance lives forever.

-[FREEDOM CHUCKLES]

FREEDOM:
Dance lives forever!

I got the light

- I got the light

- I got the light

- I got the light

- All of the way

I got the light

This is what I want to happen.

I want the slut

to have an orgasm,

and when she has an orgasm

I want the killer to come up

behind her

and just stab her

in the ass, okay?

I want there to be

a lot of blood in this scene.

Like, almost too much,

where you're like...

But--but a lot, but, like--

but, like, almost too much.

I also want there

to be very good dialogue,

okay?

And that's where you come in.

So I want the character to say

something cool, like,

"F*** you, b*tch! F*** you!"

"F*** you, b*tch. F*** you."

Got it.

Do whatever you want to do,

but that.

I'm sick of watching women

get stabbed in movies. [SIGHS]

I think it's a great idea,

Peter. I love all your ideas.

So much.

Excuse me, but why does

the woman who enjoys sex

always have to die

in horror films?

Maybe she could fight back.

We could work in some more

nudity that way.

What if the slut fights

the killer

and every orgasm

she has makes her stronger.

[CHUCKLES] That's funny.

I think

we should at least try it.

Well, you know what, John?

I would try that,

but I-- I can't-- I actually--

I think that that's probably

the worst f***ing idea

I've ever heard

in my entire life,

so I probably can't do that one.

I like sluts.

Why do they all have to die?

I mean, nobody kills male sluts

in movies.

I like sluts, too.

Who doesn't like sluts?

Maybe one should live.

Well... Linda, the thing is,

you already approved

-the draft that I wrote, so--

-Who are you?

I'm a development person.

Well, yeah, she was

my old assistant until recently

I promoted her into development

before I realized

what an angry feminist she is.

She's also a writer.

Actually, a really good writer.

Well, we all write.

I want to be a writer.

I'm--

I'm the young assistant.

-Peter's.

-All right,

well, you know,

that's confusing,

but I like this idea.

I think we should explore it.

-Yeah, Linda, but I think--

-Peter, I gave you final cut.

No studio's gonna

offer you that. The slut lives.

Old assistant person,

I would like you and John

to work on the next draft.

Get it to me when you're done.

-[HONEY SIGHS]

-PETER:
Linda, if I could just--

LINDA:
Yeah, I have

an appointment in St. Barts

later today.

[PHONE RINGING]

Excuse me,

but what the hell was that?

Well, when we started

working together,

you said you liked my ideas.

It embarrasses me to think

about the idiotic films

that you want to make.

Thought it was a good idea.

Better than a guy

stabbing a girl in the ass.

Sex and violence

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