Half Magic Page #3

---

is a proven formula

that makes a profit.

Well, what about...

sex and happiness?

You're embarrassing yourself!

The--

What are you talking about?

I want to break up.

PETER:
What? Really?

You want to break up with--

with me?

Do you have any idea

how many girls want to sleep

with me right now,

huh? So many.

I'm Peter Brock, okay?

Well, why don't you go have sex

with them?

Yeah, maybe I--

maybe I will, okay?

But, no, you know what?

Actually...

rewind. I break up with you.

Before what you said,

I break up with you

before you said you break up

with me.

It was my idea.

Great idea.

I'm Peter Brock. Look at this.

Look at all--

There's three posters here.

More-- I--

There's some behind the door

I didn't even hang up.

You are my honey bunny.

Come here.

You are my honey bunny.

Oh...

Get me a coffee.

[DOGS BARKING]

[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

Yeah,

but he sounds like a wanker.

Why work for him?

Well, it's hard to find work

in the movie business.

-It's a man's world. [SIGHS]

-Yeah,

well, yeah. Huh?

Mm!

Do you like eating

with your hands?

Um, I don't know.

Mm. You know, you can

just feel the food, you know?

Sometimes I just want to eat

like a dog.

Yeah, I just want to put

my face in there, yeah?

Huh?

[GROANS] Mm-mm!

[CHUCKLES]

Come on, try it.

Oh, it's so good. Give it a go.

-Come on.

-Oh, no, it's okay.

Come on. You've got to try this.

Come on.

-Mm. Yum.

-Yeah? Right?

-Delicious. [CHUCKLES]

-Yeah.

It's straight from the plate

to your face.

Wow,

it's so much better this way.

It is, absolutely.

I'm gonna join you down here.

Mm! Oh, it's so good! Mm!

CANDY:
[PANTING] I love you.

MAN:
I love you.

[PANTING]

You know I don't...

want a relationship, right?

You knew that, though, right?

[CHUCKLES]

-That's just... That's just...

-[LAUGHS] Wait.

Well, aren't we already

actually having a relationship?

-I mean...

-I mean, if you wanna--

...we've been dating

for two years

and you just told me

you loved me.

Oh, Yeah, well, you know, I--

Yeah, I love you, you know, I--

I love you as a sister,

you know, as a friend, and...

as-- as a sexual partner, uh...

as-- as a fellow human being,

you know?

But I think we should just find

a new and better way to--

to do relationships.

-You know?

-Yeah. [CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES]

-Right?

-Okay.

Oh. Sh*t. Babe, I got to--

I got to go, actually,

'cause I have a... I just--

I just got a crazy week.

Oh, can I also, uh--

Babe, can I-- can I leave that,

uh, my laundry here and, uh...

get it on Thursday?

You want me to do your laundry

while you date other women?

That's... I mean, that would

be really insensitive

if we were

in some old-fashioned,

you know, closed-minded...

relationship,

but since we're not, you know,

we're-- we're, uh,

we're not confining ourselves

to societal norms,

then I think--

I think it's fine. Yeah.

All right.

Bye.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey. Um, me again. Listen,

I was just gonna say

why don't you just ignore

those previous voicemails, okay?

Because... [SIGHS]

here's-- here's the real truth,

okay?

Let's get honest.

I am great.

I'm great. I'm so great.

And I'm super-happy for you

and Chandra.

And here's the thing,

I'm so happy!

I'm so happy and I'm great.

Like, if great were people,

I'd be, like, f***ing--

Where is there a lot of people?

India?

Beijing? I'm f***ing Beijing.

That's how great I am.

So I saved one of your messages

that you left me,

you know,

right when you were, like,

"Hey, by the way,

I'm f***ing a 19-year-old."

It's such a great message.

It's so amazing.

I'm so glad you told me things

on a voicemail.

You are so brave.

And by "brave," I mean, like,

you're a f***ing idiot.

I just wanted you to know that.

I saved it,

and I play it for my friends.

And we laugh and laugh.

And then I tell them

about your weird dick.

And I'm f***ing naked.

And I have on-- [GROANS]

I have on those...

high-heel, like,

f***-me pumps that you love.

Oh, yeah, I'm naked.

Mm. You know what else?

Remember that time you told me

to squeeze your dick really hard

at the base of it?

I'm f***ing doing that...

and you don't--

Yeah, and it's awesome.

So, baby, call me.

'Cause I could suck your cock.

[SOBBING]

I really think

you should come over,

'cause I might do

something bad to myself.

Oh, my God, I might do

something so bad, and then...

I mean, I don't know

what I would do,

but it would be bad,

and then you would feel guilty,

like, for the rest of your life.

So...

I can't wait to hear from you.

Okay.

Bye!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Wow.

This is amazing.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

-Is this all your art?

-Oh, yeah.

See...

our society is sick, yeah?

[SIGHS] It's no wonder

the Earth is dying,

'cause the culture sends

its message, yeah?

Join the rat race. Make money.

Be a winner,

otherwise you're nothing.

It's read Us Weekly.

Drink the Kool-Aid.

F*** that sh*t.

I'm my own man. I mean,

sure, got to make money.

But I don't let them own me

by seeking their approval, yeah?

I'm free. [GASPS]

Why I chose the name Freedom.

Okay.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

I don't go to exercise classes,

you know?

I do my own thing.

[PANTING]

Why follow the man?

I create my own moves

I don't need someone

to give them to me. [CHUCKLES]

Well, yoga exercises

are thousands of years old

for a reason. They really work.

Why don't you let the man

out of you?

Why don't you go your own way...

instead of trying

to please people?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Are you gonna keep doing

those moves?

Oh, yeah.

-DARREN:
Eva?

-[DOOR KNOCKING]

Sh*t.

Are you in there?

Hi.

F***-me pumps, huh?

EVA:
Uh, they're upstairs.

You want me to get them?

No. That's okay.

I took them off

'cause they hurt my feet.

-Mm-hmm.

-You put on the sweats.

I was worried, obviously.

So many messages.

You were worried about me?

Well... 14 messages

and some suicide threats.

I never said suicide. I said,

"Maybe something bad."

And that you would die alone.

You're not gonna die alone.

But if you do...

it's because of doing things

like this.

You look really nice.

Thank you. I'm gonna go.

It's Chandra's birthday.

We're doing a thing.

[GASPS] It's her birthday?

Oh, wait,

I have a question for you.

-Mm-hmm.

-Like, where was Chandra...

when I was putting you

through art school?

Oh, my God! That's right!

Here comes the flood.

-Oh, my God!

-Here it is.

-She was in kindergarten. Yay!

-We are doing this.

Well, guess what, Eva,

I could never keep up with you,

'cause all you ever cared about

was money.

You're a f***ing liar,

because I don't care

about money.

I put you through art school.

You're just like... What?

What do you even do

for a living?

You drive a douchebag car.

I wanted a much douchier car

than that.

That was the one

we could afford.

I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have said that.

I don't like you right now.

I love you...

somewhat. But right now...

I don't think

you would like you, either,

'cause you're being horrible...

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes