Half Magic Page #4

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and you look...

horrible.

[SOBBING]

I just wanted to have a baby!

Okay. Come here.

Come here. Come here.

-Hi. Hi.

-Don't, don't, don't.

No, don't make it a thing.

Don't make it a thing.

Oh, my God,

you smell so weird.

-You smell so good.

-No, just don't.

Don't humiliate yourself

anymore than you have, okay?

You smell like...

-I don't know, like, lavender--

-Okay. Just stop. Just stop.

Don't embarrass yourself...

-anymore.

-You don't embarrass yourself,

buddy. You settle down.

-What's happening down there?

-Don't. Don't.

-We're not.

-[SIGHS] Okay.

Brew up some coffee.

Don't. Please.

I care very deeply

about you without loving you.

Throw up, go to sleep,

take a shower.

I already threw up.

[SOBBING] I love you so much.

Bye. Thank you for coming!

[HONEY MOANING]

The only reason a man

and a woman

should have carnal knowledge

of each other...

is to create a child.

[HONEY MOANING]

Any other physical union

between a man and a woman...

is a sin.

[MOANING]

And sins are punishable

by hellfire and damnation.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

-You will go to hell!

-HONEY:
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. [MOANING]

You all right?

-Did I just say that out loud?

-Yeah.

It felt so good.

It felt like

I was doing something wrong.

I'm f***ed up.

I don't think you're f***ed up.

-You don't?

-No.

I think you're divine.

Divinity itself...

in a physical form.

-Really?

-Yeah.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

I thought I knew what sex

and orgasms were before,

but I did not.

I feel like I understand

the meaning of life now,

and the meaning of life

is to have as much sex

as possible with this guy

over and over again.

Oh! Great sex!

Oh,

it makes you do stupid things.

I feel like I tried

to please the guy so much before

that I never, like,

really got off.

Darren would just... [SIGHS]

jam it in there

without a lot of warm-up.

And that was

on the rare occasions

that he could get it up. [SIGHS]

This is your ex?

You know what? People say

they want to hear the truth,

but they don't. They just want

to be, like, "Oh, poor Eva.

Did you hear

Eva's husband cheated on her?"

Here's the truth,

I supported him financially

for 14 years.

That emasculated him.

Oh, poor guy.

So then he got

erectile dysfunction. "Oh, wah"

So then he had to go

f*** a 21-year-old,

so he could feel

like a man again!

He's not worthy of you,

'cause you're great.

Yeah.

Thank you.

I feel like I have

to do everything

the guy says or he'll leave me.

Like, I've been dating this guy

for two years,

pretending the entire time

like I don't know

he's dating other girls.

You need to ask him

for what you want. Just say,

"I only want you to see me."

Or date other men

and flaunt them in front of him.

Yeah, but I only want him.

God, why are we sitting around

talking about how sad

our lives are?

Why do women do that?

You know, you're right.

We should be talking about

how great we are,

and if someone gives us

a compliment, we should say,

-"Thank you. It's true."

-[LAUGHING]

You start.

What?

-And give myself a compliment?

-HONEY:
Yeah.

Yeah, just do it.

Okay. Um...

I think I'm more attractive

than I thought

'cause-- All right,

well, there's this guy

at the coffee cart on the beach.

He asks me out all the time.

He's super-attractive,

and he's 28

[SCREAMS] You should go for it.

-No.

-Yeah!

Really? Move over.

There's a new skank in town.

[LAUGHING]

I think I'm gonna tell my man

that I'm not gonna do

his laundry.

So there!

'Cause I am super hot,

and he should feel lucky

to tap that ass.

So he better behave.

Yeah. He should do your laundry.

Yeah, you are so hot.

Like, really hot.

Thank you. It's true.

Okay, your turn.

Okay. [SIGHS]

I'm not a dirty slut.

Having sex with me

is a religious experience.

Yeah, it is.

-I want a new candle.

-Oh, I brought the love candle.

Honey.

-Thank you.

-Eva.

So sweet.

You know,

we talk about pleasing men,

but what about pleasing us?

You know what we should say?

"Get down there and lick it.

Lick it."

-[LAUGHING]

-Lick it.

Darren never licked it.

I think I'm due.

Lick it!

I like it.

Lick it.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Sha-ba-lum ah-ooh

I want to see Freedom again.

I want love and hot sex.

Sha-ba-lum ah-ooh

[PHONE BEEPS]

Sha-ba-lum ah-ooh

[FOREIGN MUSIC PLAYING]

I hope you don't think

I'm easy.

Why would I think you're easy?

'Cause we had sex

on the first date.

I think it's weird

not to have sex

on the first date.

Really?

Hey, do you want to go back

to my place and get stoned?

-Uh-huh.

-Yeah?

Sha-ba-lum ah-ooh

One second.

-Want a hit?

-I don't really smoke.

-Oh, come on. Just one.

-Okay.

[LAUGHING]

-Yeah.

-[COUGHING]

You all right?

[COUGHING] Yeah.

-You okay?

-Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

When we were together...

could you feel that energy

going back...

and forth between our souls?

-It felt amazing.

-Yeah. Yeah.

I don't think we even need

to talk, yeah?

Can't you just...

-feel what I'm thinking?

-Uh...

I don't think so.

I bet you can, yeah?

Can you feel it now?

-Couldn't you just tell me?

-No, no, no.

What about now?

Now?

I'm the most wonderful person

you've ever met?

[SIGHING]

-[FREEDOM GROANING]

-[HONEY MOANING]

[HONEY MOANING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

All I could ever need

Is you and I

And all I could ever want

All I could ever see

All I could ever want

All I could ever need

Is you...

Oh I choose

And all I could ever want

All I could ever need

Is you...

WOMAN:
You have never done

anything wrong.

Sex is sacred and beautiful.

All I could ever need

Is you...

What if all the sluts

had mind-blowing orgasms?

Only when they're empowered

by their orgasms

can they defeat the evil mutant.

Empowered sluts. I like that.

That's-- that's provocative.

You think we can get that past

the ratings board?

Hey, guys, uh,

sorry, I just downloaded

this new app.

It detects shitty movie ideas,

and it literally led me

right here.

Anyway...

let me know if you have

any real movie ideas

that we can turn

into actual movies.

Okay. Bye.

Encouraging.

Love that guy.

Oh, I wanted to say, um,

I-- I read your script,

uh, about the Afghan woman

who fights for the right

to divorce her husband.

That was strong.

How did you get a copy of that?

I got connects.

You know what I'm saying?

-Whoa.

-Actually,

Peter wanted me

to, uh, write coverage.

Oh, I thought he read that one.

Well, I don't know.

He's a busy guy.

But I really love the scene

where Afshan says, um,

"This is my woman part

to do with what I want."

-[SIGHS]

-That was pretty intense.

-You really liked it?

-Yeah, it was powerful.

[PHONE BEEPS]

[CHUCKLING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

I want love.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

And so mote it be.

Ah-ooh

Ah-ooh

Oh, thank you, honey.

Hi, um, I'll just take

a regular coffee, please. Um,

I'm just looking for this guy.

I think he works here.

I don't know his name,

but he's 28.

I know, 28. I know. I know.

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