Half Magic Page #5

---

I know what you're thinking.

Do you know

who I'm talking about?

-MAN:
No.

-No?

Eva?

-Mark!

-MARK:
Hi!

Oh, my God.

Oh, it's been so long.

How are you?

Good. I'm okay. Yeah.

How's Darren?

We got a divorce.

He didn't tell you?

Uh, yeah, I... I heard.

-Sorry.

-Yeah.

Uh, Rebecca and I got divorced,

too.

I'm so sorry.

No, actually, it's for the best.

Plus we have

two beautiful daughters,

five and ten, so no regrets.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

-Don't you want to get a coffee?

-Uh,

yeah, yeah.

That's what I'm here for.

[CHUCKLES

-What are you doing right now?

-Uh...

nothing.

You want to go for a walk,

catch up a little?

Yeah, I'd really like that.

I was making dresses

in my kitchen,

and then just, boom!

You know?

That's amazing.

I'm sorry to hear

about your divorce. Uh...

-I feel like such a failure.

-Oh, don't say that.

I just wish

we would've had kids,

you know, like you guys,

but we were

never on the same page

with that.

Eva, you are in no way

a failure.

You're a huge, huge success

in every way.

Wow.

Stunning.

Thank you. It's true.

"Thank you. It's true."

I like that.

Did you know

I left the law firm?

No.

Yeah, you know,

grew the hair out,

stopped shaving...

opened a restaurant.

No way!

Yeah.

You always told me I should.

Remember that night

I made the panna cotta

-with the aged balsamico?

-Yes.

I had, like, a food orgasm

over that dessert.

[CHUCKLES] Yes, you did.

[CHUCKLING]

Congratulations.

You're amazing.

Thank you.

It's true.

[SCOFFS]

I feel a little lost in my life.

-You know?

-Okay.

I don't know, like,

why am I a success?

I mean,

is it because I make dresses?

Um...

yeah, I suppose

everybody would say that,

but, uh, personally?

You're just good to be around.

I'm always happy

when I'm near you.

That is crazy-sweet.

And you are crazy-beautiful.

[CHUCKLES] Oh, wait.

Oh, my God! What-- what?

I've had a crush on you

for 14 years.

Really? Why? [CHUCKLES]

Wait, wait, wait.

What-- what, uh,

what are we do--

what are we doing? Because I--

I haven't been with anyone

-since my husband--

-Shh.

Um-- I would like

to keep my clothes on.

If you just--

Uh... God, you're--

Um-- Oh, my God! Wait!

Wait a second! That's--

Oh, my God! [CHUCKLES]

Oh, my God!

You're so good at this!

I've wanted to do this

since I met you.

That's what you were thinking

the whole time...

when we met at Walmart?

Are you kidding me?

-Mm.

-That's kind of weird.

Thank you for telling me,

'cause I was, like, thinking,

"Oh, nice guy at Walmart.

He-- he buys, like,

stuff in bulk. I get it."

Oh. Uh... Oh, my God. Oh, God.

Oh, God.

And I then was, like,

"Hey, you drive a Prius.

And that's cool.

You know, cool person."

Hey, what-- what--

Just slow down on

that bottom part. Oh, my God.

Shut up.

I'm gonna stop talking now.

I'm not gonna talk anymore.

I'm not gonna talk anymore.

[MOANING]

You're, like,

really good at this.

Oh, God. Wait,

I didn't groom. I didn't groom!

Ah! Okay, okay, no, actually,

I'm okay with that.

I'm okay with it. Never mind.

Don't listen to me. Don't stop.

Don't stop. [GIGGLING]

[MOANING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

I want love.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Babe?

Do you have, uh, that bag?

I'm doing that lecture

on techno-social wormholes

downtown, and they're, uh--

they're gonna put it

on YouTube.

Isn't that great?

I didn't have time

to do your laundry.

And...

if you want to be with me,

you can't date anybody else.

Have you noticed that I'm great?

'Cause you don't treat me

that way.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Where's all this coming from?

It's coming from me.

But you were fine

with everything a few days ago.

I take care of you.

When are you gonna take care

of me?

Relationships are hard for me.

My parents got divorced.

Oh, God! Stop it!

Stop using that as an excuse

for everything!

My family was f***ed up, too!

Let it go!

I don't really like your tone

of voice right now, honestly.

You need to figure that out.

Uh, well, those don't look

very clean to me.

No.

They're very dirty.

-What?

-Yeah.

Extremely dirty.

-And smelly!

-Babe, seriously?

[GRUNTS]

You know, you're gonna--

you're gonna

regret this tomorrow.

And-- and when you do,

you can call me, okay?

When you are ready to treat me

like the amazing person I am,

you call me!

I won't be calling you.

Take that!

I was gonna wear this.

I was gonna wear this.

Now it's even more dirty.

It's more dirty now.

P*ssy!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

And, uh, where am I gonna

clean these?

Do you have a place?

Okay, you know what? Thank you.

Thank you. That's great.

Okay, we'll-- we'll talk.

The guy shows her the beauty

of her own soul

through sexuality,

and then she defeats the killer.

-[SIGHS]

-Hmm. Well, I'm not sure

how to fit that

into a teenage slasher film,

but I like the challenge.

I'm gonna get cracking on it.

PETER:
Don't shoot the dinosaur.

He's on your side.

What are you guys doing?

We're working on a video game

based on the film.

Yeah, it's really gonna

boost our profits on this one.

Peter came up with it

all by himself.

The goal of the game

is to build up your empire...

-This is my idea.

-...and kill as many sluts

and douchebags

that get in your way.

That's is my idea.

Once you reach

the higher levels,

-you'll meet a virgin...

-This is my idea.

-...with special powers.

-My idea. My idea.

Every time you see a slut,

-you can kill her...

-That's my idea.

-...and get the points.

-My idea.

Sometimes I like to shoot her

in the b*obs or crotch area.

-[LAUGHING]

-The last one was his idea.

-[SCREAMS]

-Boom! That slut went down!

-So what do you think?

-[MAN LAUGHING IN GAME]

I think it's really disturbing

and it makes me want to, like,

vomit in my mouth.

Hey, man, I need you

to go through the video game

and make sure

that all of the girls,

under their shirts, you can see

their erect nipples.

-I need you to do that for me.

-Great idea!

So smart.

Look, The script

that John and I are writing

is a totally different story.

Yeah, I know, and thank God

it's a different story,

because your script sucked sh*t,

and this video game

is going to sell like Molly

to a girl that doesn't talk

to her parents that much, okay?

I need you to be on

nipple supervision, all right?

You got to go through

the video game and make sure

that every girl's nipples

are erect, okay?

We're gonna go

for the only demographic

that matters,

and that's teenage boys.

Well, that's ridiculous

because John and I

are writing a great script.

I'm sorry. That app is going off

that I downloaded.

It keeps going off

when people say stupid sh*t.

Uh, let me fix this.

Turn it off.

[CLEARS THROAT] You want to know

what men really get off on?

No.

The conquest, okay?

Look, I'm a hunter.

We're hunters. We're men.

I'm a man. I'm a hunter, okay?

I hunted you. I got you.

I found you.

I kept you for a little bit,

and then I got bored,

and then you left and now I'm--

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes