Hall Pass Page #2

Honey?

No. No.

I won. Uh.

Come on.

Let's go to the slides, Gunnar.

Can you believe

all the talent here today?

I know.

I mean, look at this buffet of ass.

Imagine coming here back

when we were single.

- Ooh. The damage we would do?

- Ha, ha, oh, boy.

Oh, man. Oh.

- Hey, did you get any action last night?

- Nah.

Came close, but kids were awake

when we got home.

- What about you, you get lucky?

- No.

Well, I mean, kind of.

You know, Grace conked out

right when we got home...

...so I snuck out to the car,

rubbed one out.

What are you, Knight Rider?

Why cant you do it in the bathroom

like every other guy?

What, and get caught by Grace?

No way. I can't risk that. Uh-uh.

No, besides, cars turn me on.

It's where I lost my virginity.

So I go out there, put the seat back,

pump some tunes.

It's pretty nice.

That's one of those things

they don't tell you, huh?

What?

That you're still gonna be jerking off

after you get married.

I mean, I thought that was just gonna be

a teenage thing, right?

Yeah, I didn't see that one coming.

I gotta get going.

I gotta drop the kids off

at a birthday party.

Hmm. You wanna

get a coffee afterwards?

Yeah. Guys, come on!

You all right? You okay?

Yeah.

I tweaked my neck

on the 17th hole yesterday.

I was 250 out.

Had to get over some water. I gave it my all.

- I didn't know you played yesterday.

- Yeah.

Aah.

Yeah, you gotta stretch.

Because even something like foosball...

...I've thrown my back out where

it's, like, the thing where you--

Oh, my God.

- Hey. What can I get you?

- Small coffee.

Sure.

Please don't have a nice ass.

Please don't have a nice ass.

Please don't have a nice--

Oh, come on, man.

- That is ridiculous.

- I know.

I did some recon. She's from Australia.

- Of course she is. Sh*t. Don't bring me here.

- She's been here about a month. What?

- Shh. Here she comes, here she comes.

- All right. Thanks.

HEY-

hi.

Uh, iced coffee, one Splenda, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And for your mate?

Same.

- Two Splendas.

- Okay.

- So pretty.

- Chick. Chick. Chick. Zzz.

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

Taking mental photographs

for my spank bank.

Fred, come on, dude. Just--

You need help.

No. She already got us. Thank you.

Wasn't a question.

Kid's right.

- Come on, guys, give it a rest.

- Hey, Ed. I didn't see you standing there.

Because you were eye-banging

the java babe.

- No.

- No.

You're married men. She's half your age.

Maybe a little growing up?

What do you think?

Hey, I guess I'm gonna see you

at the housewarming party next weekend.

Huh?

Yeah, next Saturday afternoon

at the new casa.

We're finally in.

We're having a little soiree.

Hmm.

- Next Saturday-- I think that could be tough.

- Yeah, we're jammed.

Your wives already RSVP'd.

- Oh. Cool.

- Can't wait.

Till then. Come on, pound the potato.

- Pshh. Ha, ha.

- Uh-oh. Ha, ha.

Pound it.

Pshh.

- Take care, guys.

- Okay.

Bye, Ed.

I'll pound his potato,

you know what I mean?

- He's a good guy.

- He is a nice guy.

- You open, Rick.

- I know.

Okay, uh, I'll say three 9s.

Conservative,

but that's what I'm going for.

Where's Coakley?

Why didn't he show up?

Coakley is in Arizona,

attending the Hawaiian Tropic regionals.

- But of course. But of course.

- Four 9s.

Imagine being Coakley, huh?

That guy's single, he's loaded.

Chicks love him.

He doesn't have to answer to anybody.

- Five 3s.

- Let me ask you something.

How much would you pay to have your way

with a Hawaiian Tropic girl...

...for a weekend, hmm?

You can have anyone you want.

You know she's not gonna get pregnant.

- No disease.

- Not gonna cry rape.

Never hear from her again.

Your wife will never find out.

How would I know

my wife wouldn't find out?

It's a game.

- I'm just saying if it was possible.

- it's a scenario.

Like I'm a genie

and I can make it happen.

- I can see that. A genie. Yeah. Ha, ha.

- Thank you. Thank you.

I can grant you this wish

and make like it never happened.

Okay. You know what? I'll say it.

I would be willing to pay 250

of your American dollars.

You cheap bastard.

This is an investment, man.

Get your rocks off, right?

Protect your wife's feelings.

- I'm going deep with it. Five grand.

- Oh!

- Five grand?

- Five grand, baby.

And I know Hogwarts right here

would pay more.

- Hey, guys. Hi.

- That's why he wears a tie.

- Hey, Maggie.

- Hey, how's it going?

Hey, do you remember

my brother-in-law, Flats?

- Pleasure.

- Nice to see you again.

- Who's winning?

- Uh-oh.

This guy right here's got all the loot.

- What?

- Ha, ha.

Would you do me a favor and not tell Grace

that I have disposable income?

She'll make me take her shopping...

...or, like, see Kathy Griffin in concert.

- Yeah.

- Okay.

How'd the kids go down?

Gunnar and Emma stalled for a while,

but they weren't too bad.

- What about the baby?

- The baby? Not a peep.

- I've been listening the whole time.

- Oh.

- Yeah.

- All right.

- Well, good night.

- Mwah.

- All right. Have fun.

- Okay.

- What is that? Four 7s. Is that good?

- She's kidding.

- Maybe. Maybe I'm not kidding.

- Ha, ha.

See you later.

Hey, genie, can you make my dick work?

Oh, you poor thing.

Oh, silly Daddy

got the monitors mixed up.

Oh, have you been listening

to those loudmouths ell night?

A question to you, Frederick, sir.

How much would you be willing to spend

for a weekend of erotic pleasures...

- ...with one of the most beautiful women?

- Six grand.

I've gotta have a way to get

the money out of the checking account.

- I assume the genie could help with that?

- Oh. I got you.

- I'll just give you my routing number?

- Ha, ha.

Hey, hey, put me down for 7500.

Hog-Head,

please, man. You don't have $7500.

Hey, be nice.

Okay, Rickster. Ha, ha!

What is your number?

- Ahh, I don't know.

- Come on. You've gotta have a number.

- I don't know.

- Any girl you choose.

You could do anything you want.

The wife will never find out.

Completely harmless.

One-time thing. What would you pay?

- I honestly don't know.

- Ballpark, please.

Well, I have a great wife...

...so I wouldn't wanna do anything

to hurt her feelings.

So I guess the real question becomes...

...what wouldn't I pay?

That's why this dude 's wearing the hat.

This house has gotta be

worth something, right?

Now, mother-in-laws.

What do they go for on the black market?

Fifty bucks, maybe?

Fred said 6 grand?

Oh, God, what a douche bag.

He won't even spend $60 on An Evening

With Kathy Griffin tickets for me...

...but he's gonna give some

make-believe genie 6 G's'?

- Wanna near something funnier?

- Yeah.

Hog-Head McCormick said 7500.

- Wow.

- What?

Look, I mean, on the bright side,

they're not cheating on us, right?

- Although that'd be kind of fun to watch.

- Ha, ha.

I'd love to see the look

on the girl's face...

...when she wakes up next to Fred

with his sleep apnea mask on.

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