Hall Pass Page #3

Are you kidding?

He wears one of those things...

- ...with the mask and the tube?

- Yeah, it's awful.

That is attractive.

Every time I wake up,

I think a plane's going down.

You know, sometimes I wonder

if it wouldn't be better if they did cheat.

Just got it over with.

You mean rather than take

the slow boat to resentment?

I'm just saying, maybe a little freedom

would be good for them, and for you.

Have you ever considered giving

him a hall pass?

- A what?

- A hall pass. A week off from marriage.

- No.

- Heh.

Wait a minute. Are you saying

let them go out and cheat?

I'm saying, give them a week off

from marriage.

Look, most married men have very

foggy memories of their single days...

...and they begin to believe

that if not for you...

...they could be with these other women.

That's Fred.

I mean, he thinks

because he sees big tits all day long...

...and he manages to make it home

without squeezing one...

...that I should be greeting him

at the door like some hero.

Maybe it's time to let them

go out there and find out what it's like.

- Huh?

- it's called the reactance theory.

It's a principle in psychology

which says...

...that if you constantly tell someone

they can't do something...

...they just want to do it

more than ever.

Conversely, if you remove the taboo,

you remove the obsession.

You know what? I have an idea, doc.

Why don' t you let your husband have a

hall pass and let us know how it turns out?

Oh, I have.

Are you telling us you let Charlie

sleep with another woman?

I'm not telling you that. I gave him

the freedom to choose for himself.

And?

All I know is our marriage

is better than ever.

All right.

Here, I'll get it. I'll get it, watch.

Watch, watch, watch.

- Oh, wow, look at this place.

- Pretty good, huh?

- Hey.

- There he is, the lord of the manor.

You see the Prius? We're going green.

I can see that.

Everybody in the shack!

- The grand tour's about to begin!

- Come on!

I call it headquarters.

And behind that wall, the war room.

A 300-square-foot humidor.

The humidity in there never gets above

Oh! Unbelievable.

How does he come up with this stuff, huh?

Aw, thank you, Mandy.

I threw in a backup generator...

...in case we lose power

and the main genny doesn't kick in.

It's absolutely epic, Ed.

Who wants a Cubano, huh?

Oh, wait a second, Eddie.

First I want to show them my headquarters.

- Come, come.

- Everybody upstairs.

Hey, Larry, I'll get you a cigar. Come on.

I cant stand these look-at-how-much-I-own

parties. They're obnoxious.

When I got my fully loaded Honda Odyssey,

I didn't go around bragging about it, did I?

Well, kind of. You made me drive

around town for two hours, remember?

Well, I thought you'd like

to watch a movie in a minivan.

- You never watched a movie in a minivan.

- No.

But did you have

to hook your boat up to it?

Yeah. Yeah. it's a touring edition, dick.

Fridge, Sub-Zero.

The floors are French limestone

and the counter tops are Brazilian granite.

It's my paradise.

With a price tag north of 240 large,

it better be paradise.

See, this is why the terrorists hate us.

Oh. I love Brazilian granite.

How come I don't have Brazilian granite?

If you recall, we had to make a couple of

fairly substantial expenditures. Remember?

Hey, gang, check this out.

Oh. Honey, don't show them that.

They're gonna think we're wackos.

Sweetie, don't keep me down.

- What the hell is this?

- Get in here, you're gonna love this.

Hey, where are the guys?

Wow. This is like secret-agent stuff.

I think a safe room is a bit over-the-top.

Ed thought with the little ones

you can never be too cautious.

Oh. You're such a good daddy.

No, I disagree.

Here comes Tweedledee

and Tweedledum.

Who gets a minivan

when they don't have any kids?

Wow, man. You just don't understand

the insurance game, do you, Rick?

- Ah, enlighten me.

- When you pull into a person's driveway...

...to sell them insurance,

who do you think they'd rather see?

Some knucklehead hotshot

in a convertible Sebring...

...or a family man in a minivan?

Where is everybody? Hello?

- Guys, we're in here!

- They can't hear you.

Room's soundproof.

And bulletproof. Also, Curt Schilling's

been in here, because I know him.

Hmm.

I guess they must've gone upstairs.

Look at this f***ing thing.

- I feel bad for Ed Jr.

- Mm-hm.

It's one thing if you wanna look

like Admiral Dipshit...

...but then you gotta do it to your kid?

Look at that little:

it's awful.

Got him, like,

looking like Thurston Howell too. "Eh ...."

Thanks for coming

to the war room, old chap.

By the way, did I mention that my wife's

vagina never goes above 71% humidity?

- Um, maybe we should turn this off.

- Not a chance.

What happens

if you lose power during a blow...

...and your main generator drops out?

That's why we had the backup

genny installed in Britney's rumpus.

- Here we go.

- Ah, good show.

- In the rumpus?

- Right inside.

And there 's room in there with the stick?

We had to rotate the stick a little.

But then it gives you a little room

to get it up there!

Absolutely.

Can wedge anything in that ass.

Ha-ha-ha. Your English accent's great!

Thank you.

Speaking of installations...

...what about the shiny new set of cans

on Mandy?

- Oh ....

- Oh, yeah.

Either that or she's buying her T-shirts

at Baby Gap.

- I don't get the whole fake-boob thing.

- What don't you get?

I like my bongos with a little mileage

on them, like Britney's.

Britney's?

No way, those are like Baja miles.

I like being able to get in there

and smoosh them...

...hump them, Stretch Armstrong,

just bibbety-bap them all around.

Okay. All right.

But what about the correlation

between floppy b*obs...

...and large-mouth vaginae?

Okay.

You look down there, it's like,

"Hey, I'm Billy Big-mouth Vagina."

Home, home on the range

Where the big-mouth vaginae

Feel strange

- Where nothing is good

- Shh, shh, shh.

And it can't Ht your wood

You know what I mean.

Oh, relax. Come on, they can't hear us.

You people are horrible! Horrible!

Very disappointed, gentlemen.

Very disappointed.

Hey, anyone thinking chocolate-chip

cookie dough in a waffle cone?

Large-mouth vaginae?

You thought that was funny?

No.

Really? You were laughing like a hyena

when he said it.

Well, I was embarrassed for Fred,

to be honest. It was uncomfortable.

What the hell is wrong with you two?

You are completely obsessed with sex.

Honey, obsessed is a very strong word.

Oh, yeah? This morning you left the

computer on Cock Gobblers.Corn.

I get my weather from that site.

You know what really bothers me?

This thing that you're all so obsessed with

is completely meaningless to you.

Rick, you cant even tell me the month

that you lost your virginity.

I can tell you the exact day and hour

that I lost mine.

Well, honey, virginity's different for guys.

The point is, I like sex too.

It means something to me.

But that doesn't mean that I'm out

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