Hallam Foe Page #2

Trying to show me up on your first day?

No.

I f***ing hate this job,

but it's my job.

Do you understand?

I killed a man once.

Smashed his skull on a pier.

Just so you know.

You take the rest. I'm off for a smoke.

Don't make friends with the chefs,

otherwise they'll want favours.

But don't get on their bad side,

or you'll be cleaning out

the fat fryer on a quiet Thursday.

They're all c*nts anyway.

Except TJ. He's OK.

Even if he is a f***ing bullshitter.

Have you ever met an African over here

who wasn't a brain surgeon over there?

Are you listening to me?

Yes, of course.

Brain surgeon. African. C*nt.

Aye, c*nt.

Reach out. One, two.

One. Right knee.

- Hey! Ho!

- Raymond!

- Hey!

- Hey!

Oh-ho! That's gonna cost you.

- Really?

- Yeah.

- Are you serious?

- Absolutely.

Come on. You're losing.

That's 4.

- Do you mind if I take a break?

- Do what the f*** you like.

Who are you?

- I'm a... kitchen porter.

- So, what are you doing up here, then?

It's very simple. The staff entrance

is on the ground floor.

So is the kitchen. So is the canteen.

You enter, you work your shift,

then you f*** off,

all on the same floor. Got that?

- Yes.

- Good. Now, beat it.

Have you seen Raymond?

He's cleaning the bins.

Do you want me to go and get him?

No, don't worry.

How are you settling in?

Very well. I'm really enjoying it.

In fact, it's brilliant.

This isn't an interview.

I know, but it's great

to be a part of this team

and to have a sense of purpose,

you know?

You get into the rhythm,

you start playing tunes in your head

to go along with it.

You can turn the radio on if you want.

Oh, I know. I like it.

It keeps me from thinking.

Do you think there might be a chance

this job could become permanent?

Yes, Hallam, if you can

maintain your enthusiasm.

I've got to run.

I can't do tomorrow, my boy's birthday.

- Maybe the day after?

- Say hi to your wife.

See you.

I want to report a murder.

Please sit.

My stepmother killed my mother.

She as good as confessed it.

How? When?

She told me last week. We had a...

...a confrontation,

but my mum died about two years ago.

The inquiry said that she committed

suicide, but as you can see here...

...they found drugs in her.

My stepmother,

who was then my dad's secretary,

put sleeping pills in her coffee

and put her out into the loch in a boat.

She had a motive. She wanted my dad.

And the house.

And have you spoken

to your father about this?

He'd do anything

to support my stepmother.

He's her lapdog.

Nice place you've got.

Anything you need,

you just call room service.

She's gonna laugh

when I tell her she's got a Peeping Tom.

You're not going to tell her.

Oh, you're in a position

to dictate terms here?

I think, by some strange coincidence,

I saw you there last night.

- So what?

- What would your wife think?

What about?

- I can keep a secret if you can.

- I don't have a secret to keep.

You know,

I was thinking about getting a tattoo,

like that nice tiger on your arm.

- I'll tell human resources you quit.

- And what about my pay?

Now f*** off. And if I ever

see you again, you'll regret it.

Gonna count? One, two, three, go!

You knocked one down.

One is pretty good, though.

Here he is now.

- Hi.

- Evening, sir.

Hallam's been telling me secrets.

All of them complimentary,

I assure you.

I'm really sorry

to invade you both like this,

but there's been an accident

with one of the chefs.

It's nothing serious,

but the rules say we need a signature

from management within 12 hours.

Thank you.

- A pleasure to meet you.

- You too.

- Bye.

- Say goodbye.

- Bye.

- Bye-bye.

Goodbye.

Hallam, that wee lassie,

Kate, from HR,

she wants to see you.

Have a seat.

We have a vacancy coming up

for front-of-house porter.

If you apply, you stand

an excellent chance of winning it.

- All right.

- There's a nicer uniform,

and significantly

more agreeable working conditions.

Right.

- Shall I put you forward or not?

- Yeah, I suppose so.

If you'd prefer to stay put,

that's fine.

I know how much you enjoy it.

...a total f***ing arsehole.

Whatever you do, don't call him sir.

- What do you call him?

- "You two-faced lying c*nt".

- Oh.

- Hallam Foe.

- Hi, Raymond.

- You look a right poof in that outfit.

- I miss you, you know.

- F*** off.

- What's up with your puss?

- Nothing.

- Happy birthday.

- Thank you.

Don't get carried away. Everybody

gets a card from the lovely Kate.

- Thank you, Andy.

- Thank you.

Know what the best thing

about being 18 is?

- You get an extra 1.25 an hour.

- Aye, so drinks are on you tonight.

Where are we celebrating?

First legal drink.

- I don't really feel like it.

- I'll come for a couple,

to make sure you don't

have to buy your own drinks.

But absolutely no work talk.

- Thirdly...

- Not thirdly!

"The appraisal system should provide

all employees with clear, linked goals

to the business strategy".

The business strategy?

In 20 years,

no one's discussed strategy with me.

Where did you get this?

"The Hotel Workers' Union of Las Vegas".

Who gives a f***?

You thought that concierge's job

was mine, didn't you?

Guess who didn't want me to have it?

Yeah. Alasdair.

She can't answer that

'cause she's f***ing him. Sorry.

That was a bit below the belt.

Sorry. I like you, Kate.

It's my situation. And the drink.

- Sit down.

- Out of the question. See you later.

Sorry about that.

- Right you are. I think it's my round.

- Maybe we've had enough.

Oh, please, come on.

- Cheers.

- Cheers.

I hope you don't mind me asking,

is Alasdair your boyfriend?

God, no! He's got a wife and a kid.

Oh.

And what about you? Are you married?

No.

And you?

Is there a love in your life?

She's dead.

Would you like to meet her?

I like creepy guys.

One, two, three!

If it wasn't for your dress sense,

I'd have thought you were gay.

You are so beautiful, I want to suck the

dick of the last man who f***ed you.

And that worked? Really?

- What does that say about you?

- That I am a gullible slag.

That's harsh. A slag maybe, but...

Get me another drink.

Perhaps some coffee, maybe, or...

No. Let's have one at mine.

It's a bit late. I should

probably should be getting...

- No, I... No, really...

- You're coming with me.

Please don't touch me. I'm gay. I'm gay.

- Explain the erection then.

- I was thinking of my career.

- Bullshit.

- Look, you're very attractive,

but I'm politically very committed

to the gay cause.

- Do you have a boyfriend?

- No.

For some reason, I believe that.

The rest, I'm afraid, is suspect.

I'm a virgin.

- That's OK.

- No, it's not.

Come on, first time for everyone.

It's not my first time.

Perhaps you should go.

Look, I want to go to bed with you

more than anything.

I think the moment might have passed.

I'm not sure I want the responsibility.

We don't have to... do it.

I just want to sleep with you

so I can tell people.

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