Hallam Foe Page #3

- Hi.

- Hi.

You want to go for a beer later?

- No.

- What about a film?

I don't think either's a good idea.

Last night wasn't a good idea.

OK. Sure.

- I'll see you.

- See you.

Got that. OK, thank you. Thank you.

Some guy killed his wife up in 303,

and guess who found the body?

I goes in, f***ing legs sticking out,

stuffed under the bed.

Her husband done it, jealous bastard.

I felt bad, because

the night before, right...

The night before, I'd gone up

to the room. I got called up.

She f***ing sucked my cock.

I knocked on the door, right?

She opens it.

Tits out, f***ing drunk,

like, "F*** me".

I'm like, "Sorry, madam, I'm married".

She went, "Aye, me too".

I'm like, "Excuse me, madam,

I'm very sorry, I can't do that,

but you can suck my cock if you want".

It's like, get my kecks off, bang!

Concierge.

Yes, madam. Certainly.

Right away. Very good.

Can you go get the bags

out of 405, Mr Foe?

- My shift's about to end.

- They've asked by name,

- so get up there.

- By name?

By name, Mr Foe.

Concierge.

Hello?

Concierge.

There's nobody here.

We need to talk about last night.

I understand.

You were drunk,

and now you feel guilty about it.

I'm sorry I put you in that position,

but thank you

for a lovely evening anyway.

- I enjoyed myself.

- I enjoyed myself too.

I... I just didn't expect to...

Nor did I.

Shall we stay here for a bit?

Unless you have other plans.

Don't worry, the room's free.

All I need to do

is suck the duty manager's cock.

- I'm joking.

- Well...

- What do you call it?

- What?

My... my willy.

You?

My p*ssy.

- My todger.

- My minge.

My schlong.

My hole.

My stick.

My gash.

My bat.

My muff.

Stay here for a minute or we'll be

on the front page by lunch time.

Yeah!

Exactly.

Kate.

Moving on? Who is he?

- Do I know him?

- It doesn't matter.

- I beg to differ. Tell me.

- Al, don't. Al, that hurts.

- Does he work in that f***ing hotel?

- Don't!

What's his name?!

Tell me who he is, Kate!

- Alasdair, no!

- Get off her!

- Is this your man?

- Hallam, how did you get in here?

The roof. He practically lives up there.

- He likes to watch.

- Watch what?

What do you think?

You, get out.

Get out.

- You sure he's got what it takes?

- F*** off.

- I'm sorry.

- How long has this been going on?

Since I first saw you.

I thought you looked like someone,

so I followed you.

I didn't know something

was gonna happen between us.

Who did you think I looked like?

My mother. She's dead.

Please, just leave me alone.

And I mean alone.

Now get out. You're fired.

What do you want?

I hear you've got a vacancy

for a front-of-house porter.

You'll need references

from previous employers.

Well, if my previous employer

had known the facts,

she might have decided

that the good outweighed the bad.

Really?

I did save her, quite heroically,

from this bloke twice my size.

And what was

the ungrateful b*tch's problem?

In saving her, I... revealed

an unedifying habit, which...

An unedifying habit?

When my mum died,

I didn't want to be around anyone.

I had this old tree house which

my dad built me. He's an architect.

And I sort of retreated there

and just watched people from a distance.

Kind of became a habit.

Who did you watch the most?

- My stepmother.

- Why?

I didn't trust her.

Did you watch her with your father?

Did it excite you?

I know you won't believe me, but I

don't look at people for those reasons.

What about me, then? Didn't I

turn you on when you watched me?

Or was my performance

not to your satisfaction?

It didn't always look like

you were enjoying yourself.

- Were you?

- Come here.

I'm a real, live human being, Hallam.

Sometimes I want sweet,

sometimes I want sour.

Sometimes I don't know what I want.

My sh*t stinks.

I'm going to die some day.

If I look like your mother,

it's just a coincidence.

Am I telling you anything

you don't already know?

Is there anything I can do

to make it up to you?

Probably not.

Put your clothes on, leave

and go to work tomorrow morning.

Hallam.

You don't have to go

if you don't want to.

- And the dress?

- Mum's.

You do look like her.

Is that the reason

you were interested in me?

No, it's not.

But I do miss her.

I really miss her a lot.

Would you like me to wear it?

Are you OK?

- Hello.

- Hello.

You've lost him.

Ready?

Did I tell you

I have really bad vertigo?

OK? Are you OK?

I almost fell into your mouth,

it was so wide. It went...

On you go. You want to stay off

that front page, don't you?

Do I?

Bye.

Hallam, that's your parents here.

They're up in the Macdiarmid lounge.

What about your mum, though?

She's a f***ing stunner.

Hallam.

- Thank God we found you!

- How did you find me?

A very nice policeman called.

He was worried about you.

Well, what are you?

Some kind of bus boy?

A front-of-house porter, actually.

Hello. I'm Kate, a friend of Hallam's.

Dad? What's happened to you?

Oh, it's nothing,

just a stupid fall. I...

Well, Kate,

it was very nice to meet you.

If you would excuse us, we do actually

have some family matters to discuss.

I owe you an apology.

I underestimated how tough this past

year has been for you, and I'm sorry.

And... I know about you and Verity.

She told me about the

clumsy pass you made at her.

- No... No, I...

- It's all right. It's all right.

We've had crushes.

I had a thing for my teacher's wife.

That's not what happened.

- Your father's telling you something.

- Excuse me, don't change the subject.

I'm afraid I do have something

to discuss with you.

Shall we sit down?

Things haven't been

going so well lately.

My commissions have rather dried up.

So we've had to consider

other financial options.

The bank has OK'd an idea

to develop the grounds of the house.

Our plan is to transform

the wasteland around the loch

- into eco-housing.

- Why are you telling me this?

Consulting you is a condition

of your mother's will.

And what about Lucy?

Lucy has already given her consent.

Think Mum would have approved?

I wouldn't be doing this

if I had any alternative.

- Now, please, hear us out.

- Dad, she killed my mother.

That's why I went to the police.

Don't be ridiculous.

You've got yourself into a muddle.

You cannot blame Verity for everything.

Can't you see

you're being manipulated, huh?

- Hallam, please!

- It's OK.

While you've been enjoying yourself

with your look-alike,

I have been combing your father's books,

and he's in big trouble.

He's 800,000 in debt.

He's being sued...

He's being sued by two clients.

He needs your help.

You murdered my mother,

and you admitted it.

I wasn't there the night she died!

Oh, I see.

So you've got yourself an alibi now?

Whatever... happened

between us was a mistake, and I'm sorry.

I thought that Julius

and I could start afresh,

but that was never gonna happen

with you and Lucy in the house

treating me like an impostor,

and I know that's no excuse,

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