Handsome: A Netflix Mystery Movie

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Hi. I'm Steven Weber.

And I play the murderer...

Thanks, Lyle.

...in this Handsome mystery movie.

Enjoy this exciting multiplatform event.

Tonight, "A Lil' Dab'll Do Ya. "

As a detective, there's no greater skill

that you can hone than your intuition.

I mean, if you can't trust your gut,

you might as well be

in parking enforcement.

- Yeah, I mean, go be a meter maid.

- A meter man.

Very good, Detective Rice. Very good.

You're looking at everything

from all angles.

All right, let's take a look

at the board, shall we?

What do you see?

What does your gut tell you?

I'm looking at the boner.

That man's dick is hard.

I think

it's the classic Margaritaville theory.

The theory that states

if a middle-aged man has too much

laid-back fun, he ceases to exist.

Yeah. Anyone else got a theory?

Detective Burt Jerpis.

I know, Detective Jerpis. I hired you.

We see this guy here, sure.

But is that the whole story?

How do we know

that this guy doesn't work

at a rental car agency

at the airport, all right?

And it's his boss' last day.

Maybe that guy's name is Roger.

Roger loves to golf.

So he and all of his coworkers

dress up like Roger.

Golfers. And you wanna know

what Roger always wanted to do?

Skydivings. So they all get in the car,

they go over to the airstrip

and they get in the skydivings plane.

They get up to 20,000 feet

and they get into an argument.

Maybe it's about a girl,

maybe it's about who had the right recipe

for the veggie chili.

We don't know the answer to that yet.

But then argument breaks out

and this guy gets strangled.

He gets thrown out

of that skydivings plane.

Guess where he lands, of all places?

- Golf course. Case closed.

- You know what?

Let's not trust our guts.

I'm sorry. That's not the boner

of a man still livin'.

Handsome! We need to talk now.

Yes, Lieutenant.

Yes.

You didn't fill out

your retirement papers.

- You pulled me out here for that?

- I thought you should know.

Of course I know.

I'm the one who didn't fill 'em out.

Don't try to complicate things

with your sweet talk.

Sweet talk?

You poor, innocent kid.

You just don't get it, do you?

No.

- What were we talking about?

- I have no idea.

Believe me, I'll remember.

And when I do, you'll know, missy.

Connie!

I just remembered what it was.

We have so many leftovers

from Waikiki Wednesday,

I think you should take these home.

No, no, no, I'm good.

I'm trying to watch my weight-

Oh, no, you don't understand.

- They've got thick frosting...

- Yeah.

- ... smeared just the way you like it.

- Yeah.

And they're shaped like beach balls

that just bounce right into your mouth,

bounce right into your belly

and bounce right outta your butt. Hmm?

I'm, uh... There's no way I'm taking

these, uh, home with me.

Hmm? Hmm?

Hello, Candy. Hello.

These are not mine.

That's all I'm saying. Don't ask.

Yeah. Every day's a tough one.

Every day's a tough one,

but it's so much better

when I come home to you.

I love you. I love you so much.

You're so pretty.

Do me a favor. See those cookies?

Don't let me eat 'em.

You hear me? If I go near those cookies,

you knock my ass over, all right?

'Cause you're capable of doing that,

you big f***er.

Yeah, let's go for a walk.

Hey, Handsome,

don't pretend I'm not here.

Durante.

Stop letting your dog sh*t on my lawn.

- Not hers. Don't recognize it.

- Of course it's hers.

It looks like her,

curled up as a piece of sh*t.

Okay, look at her.

She's not even looking at it.

She knows it's not hers.

There's no caginess about her.

No recognition whatsoever.

- She's just playing it cool.

- Look into her eyes.

They're pools of pure tranquility.

You think you can read a perp

better than me?

You've lost it. You know that, right?

Happens to the best of us.

You used to investigate real crime.

Now you're chasing around

cheating husbands,

hanging outside of crappy motels

in Venice.

You know what makes this country great?

It's not that everybody's

cheating on their spouses,

because they're not.

It's that everyone unconsciously

feels cheated.

That's right. By the government,

by their bosses, by Whole Foods.

And then they transfer that suspicion

onto their loved one.

And it's that very feeling

that keeps me in such great business.

I'm thinking of buying a Ferrari.

Well, I just put 50 bucks

into my IRA account.

And in lieu of getting a Tesla,

I'm gonna retire soon-ish.

- That job really wears on a person.

- It does. It really does.

- Hey, uh, you got new neighbors.

- On the other side? When?

Are you not paying attention?

A couple of weeks ago.

Renters.

Looks like a single mom and her kid.

- Maybe the kid took the dump.

- I just saw nervous fidgeting.

That was nervous fidgeting.

That's definitely nervous fidgeting.

Of course Candy's fidgeting.

You know where I found her?

I found her abandoned

in a foreclosed house in Burbank.

Buona sera, Handsome.

Ah... Buona sera, Esta.

Hmm. Why are we wishing each other

good evening?

It is just... an okay sera. Just okay.

Well, it just started.

It could get a lot better.

Mmm. I don't think so.

I still don't know what she sees in you.

I'm guessing she likes to be depressed.

I could say the same thing about your dog.

Yeah. We're gonna go back on our walk.

I get it.

Your dog has had a tragic history.

But don't let her sh*t on my lawn.

Go.

- Can I help you?

- Hi. I'm your neighbor, Gene Handsome.

I thought I'd come and welcome you

to the neighborhood

by, uh, bringing you and your daughter

some cookies.

- I'm the babysitter.

- Oh! Okay, well, then,

- you can take the cookies.

- I'm not opening this door.

I commend your cautiousness.

You seem like an A-plus sitter.

But, as I said, I live next door.

I am an officer of the law.

So you really got nothin' to worry about.

I'm sorry.

I'm not comfortable opening the door.

You think I'm a creep.

Oh, my God, that's the last thing

I wanna be, is a creep.

No, no, no, that's not my intention.

That's not who I am.

I mean, you can go put them on the porch,

but I can't say anyone's gonna eat them.

I'm gonna leave them right over here,

but you gotta do me a favor.

After I go, please bring in the cookies.

'Cause later tonight,

I don't wanna see them out here,

'cause I'm afraid

I'll come over and, uh, eat one.

- Wow.

- I know. I got a problem, I...

All right, anyhow, take them in.

Thank you very much. I'll see you later.

Handsome.

Yeah.

All right, pick me up.

I gotta go. I gotta go.

I'll see you later. Make me get up.

- You know what I watched the other night?

- Huh?

Best movie I've ever seen.

I don't know if you saw it. San Andreas.

I love San Andreas.

You f***in' kidding me?

Oh, my God. The Rock? Perfection.

The absurdity?

Best absurdity I've ever seen.

Maybe one of the best movies...

Easily the best...

What won the Oscar in 2015

that was better than San Andreas?

Best movie ever.

And all the time he spent in a boat.

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