Handsome Devil

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Okay Ned,

you've got 90 minutes.

Any subject you like,

time starts now.

We all have one

thing we're ashamed of.

The memory of one

moment so embarrassing

we don't think we'll

ever get over it.

A moment that still wakes

us at four A.M. sweating.

My terrible moment happened

because I was afraid,

I was afraid because I

lost the only true friend

I'd ever known.

People do bad

things out of fear.

For me, the good life ended

when mum died a few years back.

Suddenly, dad married Natalie.

They were living in Dubai

and I was in boarding school

in the middle of nowhere.

A school where rugby

was a religion.

Where I was persecuted daily.

I mean, legally you

guys shouldn't be able

to force me to go to school.

Legally I'm basically an adult.

You're basically an adult

but you're actually like 16.

Yes, 16 is your actual age.

Which is why the

idea of us letting

you leave school is absurd.

So you're pretty much

sending me to jail?

Even prisoners make

an effort to fit in.

They do jigsaws together, play

ping pong with each other.

Could you please

listen to yourself

for the briefest of moments?

Excuse me?

Ned, conforming is

part of being a grown up

and letting you leave school

early would be sending

you to jail in a way.

Boys that leave school at

your age doom themselves

to a life of sweeping

up supermarket floors.

Dad was obsessed with

the guys who swept

supermarket floors.

And then crime, naturally.

Natalie, Adam Quinn's

boy, he was expelled

from school last year, now

apparently, he's a bum in Paris.

No way, really?

Yes, reading his poetry

on the Metro for money.

Practically begging,

it's desperately sad.

So just think about that.

A bum in Paris.

I would've loved that.

But was I bad enough

to get expelled?

This year would tell.

Have my own room, magical.

Did you just say you

have your own room?

No way, let me see.

Oh.

Ladies and gentlemen,

my tormenter in chief.

Okay.

Maybe the reason you

have your own room

is so nobody gets

bummed, you know,

in the middle of the night.

And hello to you too weasel.

I trust the summer

treated you well.

I trust the summer

treated you well.

Oh, you are an utter bender.

Weasel, you f***ing ledge,

I haven't seen you in ages.

Alright.

Back to jail

and just like prison,

if nobody likes

who you really are,

then buddy, you better

hide yourself away.

Here's an example,

for English essays,

I stole the lyrics

from obscure songs,

the very old Mr. Fatrell

would never know.

But it was a private joke.

But nobody else knew the songs

or cared one way or the other.

Everyone at Woodhill college

was obsessed with rugby.

And I didn't hate

rugby but what happened

if you didn't love it?

Yeah, that sound means gay.

I have no idea why it means that

but believe me,

I heard it a lot.

I should explain.

Gay means crap,

bad, or different

and the fear of being

in any way different

ran through our school

from top to bottom.

Ask the lady to dance

and then, you know,

you get into a sort of a,

member it's kind of that

but do not do that, okay.

So any questions?

There were other

kinds of schools, of course.

Cool, modern day schools

where anything went.

But not here.

Today, we're gonna

be looking at...

talking about sexual identity

to anyone in our school, that

was like staring at the sun.

Have you any idea?

It seemed, you

could be whoever you liked

out in the world.

But our school wasn't

a part of the world.

Firstly, some sad news.

After a short illness

our dear colleague

and friend, Glen

Fatrell, has passed on.

Units, which will

mean some reshuffling

in the English department.

In honor of our recently

deceased English teacher,

one victorious

student will be chosen

to represent the school in

the national essay

writing competition.

There is a first

prize of five grand.

As a donation to the school.

Now, rugby.

Did you ever

meet an adult who wishes

they were a kid again?

That was our headmaster, Walter.

This school has

won 17 senior cups.

But it has been a long

decade since the last.

We have a fine crop of players.

The entire school needs to

support our fantastic coach,

Mr. Pascal O'keefe.

As for this guy, rumor

had it Pascal's wife left him

because he was too

obsessed with rugby.

And that, that's the guy

who changed everything.

Guys, guys.

Now young man, before we

show your mother your digs,

I need you to

promise me something,

I'm told you left

your old school

for repeated and

persistent fighting?

We're happy to

educate you as long

as that kind of behavior remains

in your past, understood?

Follow me.

Get out of that bin Kennedy

and seize egregious playing.

Yes sir, because

it's all my fault.

Apology accepted.

Now coach Pascal O'keefe

is a former pupil.

We've a fantastic crop

of players this year.

Men, Sonny.

Just one more till to the title.

Training starts tomorrow,

do not be late for Pascal.

Nice boy called

Ned is this room.

Parents live in Dubai.

What sort of a boy is Ned?

Veracious reader.

Well, I'll leave you

to say your farewells.

Honey I'm sorry your

dad didn't make it.

He wanted to, he was just...

drunk?

He's busy, he's

incredibly busy with work,

you know how hard he

works, he's flat out.

Just a hug.

Are you okay, miss?

Give me a second.

I can't share with

a guy like him.

Ned, Ned, Ned.

You know, my time on the

boy scouts as a young man

was rewarding on so many levels.

Beaver whacking, orienteering,

the nautical art

of making knots.

And although I may not

be able to remember how

to fashion a round turn

and two half hitches,

I will never forget the

lasting bond of friendship

that ensued.

Sir, the Geneva convention.

My decision is final.

Leave.

Yes, this was a

blow but it wasn't

as if the rugby team

would be congregating

in my bedroom.

We heard you were coming.

Yes, you're younger

than us but Pascal says,

if you're good enough,

you're old enough.

Look, Conor, this is the

last year for this dream team,

alright, we all

leave in the summer,

I've been captain twice

and I'll never compete

again, unfortunately,

so we have to end

this thing this year.

If I'm being honest

with you, I don't think

the chance is gonna come

around again for this school.

Training starts tomorrow, six.

Do not be late, do not be

late, seriously, big no no.

This is your roommate.

I was really starting

to wonder for a second.

I mean, this is a picture

of two guys wearing

the face off each other, Conor.

I mean, really.

That's not mine.

Touch me, homo and

I call rape, okay.

Jesus.

Weasel, give it a rest.

Conor, you're gonna have

to seriously consider

moving rooms, okay?

You're gonna get aids in here.

We cannot have a

teammate giving us aids

in the middle of a scrum.

Yeah, I'm not

totally sure that's how

the HIV virus is transmitted.

Go f*** yourself, Spainer.

And as for you, you just

made weasel's sh*t list.

Coming?

You were wondering

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