Hannah Gadsby: Nanette Page #3

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It really is full of contradictions.

You know, blue is a cold color.

It's on the cold end of the spectrum.

But the hottest part of the flame?

Blue.

If you're feeling blue...

you're sad.

But optimism? Blue skies ahead!

Make up your mind.

A blueprint is a plan,

but if something happens not on

the plan, where does that come from?

Out of the blue!

Blue's a wonderful

color to start life with.

There's room for every

kind of human in blue.

There's a whole spectrum,

'cause blue doesn't demand...

it doesn't demand action

like all the other colors.

Think about this.

You're stuck in traffic...

and the lights turn...

blue.

Less road rage, people. Less road rage.

More accidents, ironically enough.

I get mistaken for a man quite a lot.

But not for long.

My masculinity doesn't hold up to

scrutiny. I'm only a man at a glance.

Which means it happens in a

customer service situation, usually.

Because I'm only a man at a glance,

it means I'm very

much right there still.

Right in front of the person

who's just called me "sir"...

and deeply regrets it.

The really good ones just erase

my memory of being called "sir."

They're clever. It's a clever trick.

They do that with a combination...

of hypnosis, and the magic word.

They go, "Can I help you, sir?

Madam."

And it works. Gone.

I do not remember being called

"sir" if someone calls me "madam"

immediately after.

Because "madam" is a very

triggering word for me.

It is. It's what my mom used to call me

when I was in a lot of trouble...

for opening a brothel.

Can we just have more words?

It's the apology I don't understand,

when people apologize for

mistaking me for a man.

I got it on a flight recently.

Walking on, the cabin manager,

"Welcome aboard, sir.

Oh, madam, I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry. I'm sorry."

I was like, "It's okay!

It's not like you called a man

'madam'. That could have been... "

So I said, "Don't worry."

She said, "I'm so sorry."

I said, "Don't apologize. In fact,

I should thank you. I enjoyed it.

Thank you. Never

apologize. Don't apologize.

Look, I don't identify as transgender,

but I'm partial to a holiday.

I love being mistaken for a man,

'cause just for a few moments,

life gets a hell of a lot easier.

I'm top-shelf normal, king of the

humans. I'm a straight white man.

I'm about...

I'm about to get good

service for no f***ing effort!

Do not apologize.

I was going to take my assigned

seat and both the armrests.

Your knee space? No."

Just jokes, though.

Clearly... just jokes.

Just jokes. I wouldn't want

to be a straight white man.

Not... right now. This is...

Not at this moment in history.

It is not a good time to

be a straight white man.

I wouldn't want to be a straight

white man. Not if you paid me.

Although the pay would

be substantially better.

But, no...

I don't think it's an easy time

for you fellas, I do feel for you.

Very difficult, very confusing time.

Because... And you're not coping.

Because, for the first time ever,

you're suddenly a sub-category of human.

Right? "No, we invented the

categories. We're not supposed to play!

We're human-neutral."

Not anymore.

I've always been judged by what I am.

Always been a fat, ugly dyke.

I'm dead inside. I can cope.

But you fellas... Bit soft in the belly?

You hear "straight white

man," you're like, "No.

No, that's reverse sexism."

No, it's not. You wrote

the rules. Read them.

Just jokes. Banter.

Don't feel intimidated.

It's just locker room talk.

Just jokes, though.

Just jokes.

Do you know why I lovepicking on,

telling jokes about straight white men?

'Cause they're such good sports.

They're like, "Oh, good joke about me.

That's a refreshing perspective.

If you hate men so much,

why do you try so f***ing

hard to look like one?"

'Cause you need a good role

model right now, fellas.

Dropping like flies.

Jokes aside, if I may just give

you a little human-to-human advice.

Because I do understand

it is a difficult and

confusing time for you now.

You know, it's changing, it's

shifting, and I understand that.

But... may I just, you

know, suggest that you learn

to, sort of, move beyond

your defensiveness.

Right? That's your first

point, you're stuck on it,

but you need to get some space

around it, learn to develop...

try and develop a

sense of humor about it,

or you need to lighten

up, learn to laugh.

Tell you what might help.

How about a good dicking?

Get a cock up ya, drink some jizz!

You gotta laugh!

That's weird advice, isn't it?

It's weird.

It doesn't... It's not good, is it?

It doesn't feel very nice, does it?

Laughter's the best medicine, they say.

I don't. I reckon penicillin

might give it the nudge.

There is truth to it, though.

Laughter is very good for the human.

It really is.

'Cause when you laugh,

you release tension.

And when you hold tension in

your human body, it's not healthy.

It's not healthy

psychologically or physically.

That's why it's good to laugh.

It'seven better to

laugh with other people.

When you laugh, in a room full

of people, when you share a laugh,

you will release more tension

because laughter is infectious.

You stand to release more tension

when you laugh with other people

than you would if you laugh alone.

Mainly because when you laugh

alone, that's mental illness

and that's a different kind of tension.

Laughter doesn't help.

Trust me.

Tension isolates us.

And laughter connects us.

Good result. Good on me.

What a guy.

What a guy. I'm basically Mother Teresa.

But just like Mother Teresa...

my methods are not exactly charitable.

Let me explain to you what a joke is.

And when you strip it back to

its bare essential... components,

like, its bare minimum,

a joke is simply two things,

it needs two things to work.

A setup and a punch line.

And it is essentially a

question with a surprise answer.

Right? But in this context,

what a joke is is a question

that I have artificially inseminated.

Tension. I do that, that's my job.

I make you all feel tense,

and then I make you laugh, and

you're like, "Thanks for that.

I was feeling a bit tense."

I made you tense.

This is an abusive relationship.

Do you know why I'm such a funny f***er?

Do you? It's because, you know,

I've been learning the

art of tension diffusion

since I was a children.

Back then it wasn't a

job, wasn't even a hobby,

it was a survival tactic.

I didn't have to invent the tension.

I was the tension.

And... I'm tired of tension.

Tension is making me sick.

It is time... I stopped... comedy.

I have to quit comedy... but I mean...

I can't quit you.

No, I can't quit you. I can't.

Because I don't have

a backup plan, guys.

What have I got?

Fifteen years ago, I barely

graduated from an Art History degree.

Fifteen years ago.

Art History. Fifteen...

They were dead then.

They're just deader.

My CV is pretty much a cock and

balls drawn under a fax number.

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