Happiness Page #3

BILL:

Yes, only come can be used as a

verb as well.

(a beat)

Billy?

BILLY:

Yeah?

BILL:

Have you ever come?

BILLY:

Yeah�

BILL:

Now Billy, it's alright if you haven't.

BILLY:

Well, I have�

BILL:

Billy�

BILLY:

But everyone else in class had and�

I want to come, too!

BILLY starts crying.

BILL:

Awn, now, it's okay, it's okay.

Have you tried playing with yourself?

BILLY:

You mean�

BILL:

With your penis.

BILLY:

A little.

BILL:

How did it feel?

BILLY:

I dunno. I don't know what to do.

BILL:

Do you want me to�show you?

BILLY:

No! No! I'm not normal!

BILLY buries his head in BILL'S lap.

BILL:

Aw, Billy. Don't worry. You're normal.

You'll come. One day. You'll see.

23.INT. JOY'S PLACE - DAY.23.

JOY is preparing to cook a steak. She is wearing rubber

globes. HELEN sits with a coffee mug at the kitchen table.

HELEN:

Y'know, people were always putting

New Jersey down. None of my friends

can believe I live here. But that's

because they don't get it:

I'm living in a state of irony.

JOY:

Are you sure you don't wanna

stay and have dinner with me?

HELEN:

I can't. I'm giving another reading/

book-signing over at Barnes & Noble,

and then Jamal is taking me out �

although I promised Fabiacho�Uch.

Everybody wants me�

The phone rings.

HELEN:

That's it, I'm going.

JOY:

Wait!

JOY picks up the phone.

JOY:

Hello?

VOICE:

Hi! How are you?

JOY:

Is this Damien?

VOICE:

Yeah!� So, uh, how are you doing?

JOY:

Oh, fine. Could you hold a second?

Helen?

HELEN is almost out the door.

HELEN:

See ya!

JOY:

Thanks for stopping by!

HELEN leaves.

JOY:

(into phone)

Sorry. That was my sister leaving.

VOICE:

Oh. Yeah�um�yeah�

Pause.

JOY:

So, um, Trish told me you might

be calling.

VOICE:

Yeah, well�

JOY:

Oh, I know how weird these things

can be, but I've always had such faith

in Trish's judgment that I thought

why not. It's not like I've got some

huge social life. I mean, I do have a

social life. It's just not huge.

VOICE:

Same here.

JOY:

Oh, really? That's so nice to hear.

Most people seem so confident�

VOICE:

Yeah�

JOY:

Or, well, you know�

They're just real jerks.

VOICE:

Yeah�uh� What are you doing?

JOY:

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm just trying to

thaw this steak�but it's so hard

and� I'm sorry.

VOICE:

Oh, no. No. Don't stop. Not because of me.

JOY:

Oh, but I feel I'm being so rude.

VOICE:

No, no. Not at all.

JOY:

Thanks.

VOICE:

So�um� Are you alone now?

JOY:

Oh, yeah. Don't worry. Nobody's

listening in. God, you're just like me.

VOICE:

What are you wearing?

JOY:

You mean, when we go out?

Well, where do you want to go?

I'm pretty easy to please.

I hate getting all dressed up.

VOICE:

What are you wearing now?

JOY:

Oh, just a pair of jeans. Why?

VOICE:

Are they tight?

JOY:

Not too tight. They fit okay.

But why do you�?

VOICE:

I don't mean the jeans.

I mean underneath. What are you

wearing underneath? Check.

JOY:

(starts looking inside her jeans)

Underneath? Well, but Damien,

underneath is just�

(pauses, suddenly alarmed)

This isn't Damien�is it?

VOICE:

Are you getting wet?

Is your p*ssy all�?

JOY hangs up.

24.INT. ALLEN'S BEDROOM - THAT MOMENT.24.

VOICES of neighborhood children can be heard from outside

the window.

ALLEN (the man behind the VOICE that was just on the phone

with JOY) rises to the sitting position and puts a bookmark

in the phonebook.

He notices the mess he made on the wallpaper. The stain

looks permanent. He covers it up with a postcard. (There

are many other postcards already thumbtacked to the wall.)

The doorbell rings.

ALLEN rises.

ALLEN:

Who is it?

VOICES:

Your neighbor Kristina.

ALLEN opens the door, sees KRISTINA. She is very big and

very overweight.

ALLEN:

Hey, what's up?

KRISTINA:

Did you hear what happened to Pedro?

ALLEN:

Pedro?

KRISTINA:

You know, the night doorman?

ALLEN:

Oh, yeah. What?

KRISTINA:

He was found bludgeoned to death

in his apartment this morning.

ALLEN:

Uch.

KRISTINA:

Yeah. And supposedly his penis

is missing.

ALLEN:

Uugh.

KRISTINA:

Yeah, well, Carla in 2B is collecting

money for the funeral, if you feel

like it. Apparently he had no family,

no known friends�Gee, if I'da know�

I mean, I did always say hi, I think.

ALLEN:

Me too, if it's the guy I'm thinking of.

Pause.

KRISTINA:

By the way, um, I've got an extra

ticket to the play-offs tonight.

Wanna come with me?

ALLEN:

Nah. Thanks. I got too much work.

KRISTINA:

Oh.

(a beat)

Well, anyway, I just thought I'd

tell you about Pedro.

ALLEN:

Thanks.

KRISTINA:

See ya.

ALLEN:

Yeah.

And he closes the door.

25.INT. HALLWAY - THAT MOMENT.25.

KRISTINA stands outside ALLEN'S door and stares at it

dejectedly. Finally, tearing up the ticket, she walks back

to her apartment, shutting the door behind her.

26.EXT. FLORIDA/ARIZONA 26.

CONDOMINIUM COMPLEX - DAY.

It is bright and sunny.

27.INT. CONDO - DAY.27.

LENNY and MONA, in their 60s, sit at the kitchen table.

There are dishes shattered on the floor.

MONA:

Oh, I feel better now.

LENNY:

Good.

(a beat)

I'm gonna clean up.

Pause.

MONA:

I'm gonna lie down.

MONA rises, walks to her bedroom, lies down.

LENNY clears the table.

LENNY:

I'm turning on the dishwasher!

And LENNY starts vacuuming up the debris on the floor.

MONA goes to the bathroom, opens the medicine cabinet.

MONA:

(calling, faux calm)

Where's my valium?!

LENNY:

What?!

MONA:

Nevermind!

(to herself)

F***ing a**hole.

She has found a good enough valium substitute, but there are

only two pills left in the bottle. She swallows them with a

glass of water, lies down again.

The phone rings.

MONA:

(to herself)

You answer it, Bastard.

LENNY (O.S.)

It's Trish!

MONA picks up.

MONA:

Hi, Trish!

TRISH (V.O.)

Hi, Mom. How are you?

MONA:

Oh, I'm fine. How are you?

TRISH (V.O.)

Fine�

MONA:

Good.

TRISH (V.O.)

Did you watch Leno last night?� Mom?

Pause.

MONA:

(she bursts into tears)

He's leaving me!

Your father's leaving me!

TRISH (V.O.)

Mom, what are you talking about?

MONA:

Can you keep this secret? Top secret?

TRISH (V.O.)

Yes, yes, of course, Mom, but �

MONA:

He says�he doesn't love me anymore.

TRISH (V.O.)

Mom, I'm sure he doesn't mean it.

MONA:

Well, he does f***ing mean it!

He wants a divorce!

TRISH (V.O.)

He said the word divorce?

MONA:

You don't believe me? Talk to him!

(calling)

Lenny!

LENNY:

Yeah?!

MONA:

It's Trish! She wants to talk to you!

LENNY:

(on phone)

Yeah, Trish?

TRISH (V.O.)

Is it true what Mom said?

LENNY:

What?

TRISH (V.O.)

You want a divorce?

LENNY:

I never used that word.

(calling)

Mona! What are you telling the kids?

MONA comes wobbling into the room.

LENNY:

(to TRISH)

She'll call you back.

(hanging up; to MONA)

Did I use the word divorce?

MONA:

You said you didn't want to

live with me anymore!

LENNY:

Answer my question: did I use

the word divorce?

MONA:

You said you didn't love me anymore!

LENNY:

Did I say divorce?!

MONA:

�No.

LENNY:

Good. I just want that much clear.

Now sit down now next to me.

Pause. The phone rings.

MONA:

Leave it. The machine'll get it.

It's probably Joy.

LENNY:

What if it's Helen?

JOY:

(on the machine)

Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad. It's Joy.

Just called to say hi, but I guess

you're out having a good time.

Oh, well. I guess I'll talk to you

tomorrow then. Okay. Bye.

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