Happy, Texas Page #2

but I have got heterosexual...

What?

Not gay written all over me.

It's business.

It's for the money.

I don't wanna be gay.

I'm not asking for the world here.

I'm not asking you to act civil.

Just... Just walk into the bank

and co sign for a thousand dollars.

A thousand dollars.

Do you really need a new tractor

or do you just want one?

All right. Now, can I have

your account number with the bank?

Hi. Uh, can I help you?

Yeah, sweetheart...

we got some confidential business

with the bank's president.

Oh, oh, you must be

the pageant people.

Yeah. We're here

to collect the thousand dollars.

Oh, I I think that's half

half a thousand.

No, no, all of it.

You wanna go fetch

the pants around here?

We prefer to deal with Joe.

Nothing personal.

Joe.

Josephine McClintock.

Howdy. How y'all doin'?

Folks round here call me Joe

after my dad.

He died quite sometime ago, so he's

gonna be kinda hard for me to fetch.

And I know that I'm just a girl

and everything, but I do believe...

that the agreement was 500 up front

and five upon completion.

Aren't we the a**holes?

Fifty, four hundred.

Fifty and fifty makes five hundred.

Here you go. You're both gonna need to

sign here as proof of receipt, okay?

Hey, Ely, what are you doing

out here this early?

I got him.

Hey, Joe.

Uh, the boys at the court give me a

$20000 advance on the truck.

Mm hmm.

I'll have that in fives and twenties.

Oh, come on, Ely. You know I don't

have that kind of money round here

till harvest day.

Why don't you leave this here with me

for the next two weeks?

I'll pay you better interest

than that mattress of yours.

After harvest day, I can cash

any cheque you like. Hmm?

Well, could you let me have

three dollars for lunch, then?

Well, I'll need to see some I. D.

Well, here.

No, no, Ely.

That was a joke.

Oh.

Bye bye. Bye.

All right, thank you.

So, Joe, you cash a lot of $20000

cheques around here?

Why, you got one

that needs to be cashed?

Not on me.

Why, it's bad luck.

Well, uh, it was... it was real

interesting meeting you both.

Yeah, see ya.

Yeah, very nice meeting you.

Oh.

Bye.

Okay.

Nice.

Fan frickin' tastic. Let's find us

some wheels and get outta Dodge.

Are you thinking again? 'Cause you could

think on the road, you know.

We're not goin'.

What?

We're stayin'. We're not goin'.

We?

What, you grow another face?

'Cause I'm outta here.

Remember my half now, 250.

Give it over.

Oh, this one's sweet.

Would you just stop and think?

Two fifty. It's plenty enough

for me to get outta here.

How far?

Right now every law enforcement officer

in the southwest is looking for you...

but no one is looking for

a cake eating...

pageant producing, midget tailoring

gay couple in Happy, Texas.

Wait for the heat to cool down.

Stay here two weeks.

Then we take the bank down

and travel in style, right?

When did people in small towns

start lockin' their doors? God.

All right.

What about the RV?

I mean, somebody's gonna

come looking for that.

Worries we don't have yet.

If it gets hot, we just grab a car

and get gone, right?

All right. Let's say

I go along with this.

I mean, you're kind of a wuss.

You've been right so far.

What do you need me for?

Two man job, Wayne.

I need a partner.

Oh, uh, mornin'. Howdy.

Glad I found y'all.

L I looked at your place.

What can we do for you?

They're waitin'.

They're waiting?

The girls.

Oh, the girls.

They started without you.

I told them I'd round y'all up.

Girls are waiting. Yeah, the girls.

Hardly sit down

they're so excited to meet you two.

I've often said to David "David" I've said...

"nothing starts the day off

like an excited girl."

Yep. And I've often said...

"Right."

Well, let's giddap.

And ball change and sugar.

And ball change. Now we do a loop kick.

Now, normally I like to be

on the glamour end of a partnership

but you've got

a real way with people.

I've seen it. So, to use your talents

in the best way possible...

I'm willing to take the burden

and responsibility for the bank.

Yours will be this...

Sheena, give me some sugar.

Pageant thing.

Or how about this?

You bite me. Why can't I do the bank?

Why do I got to do the kids?

Wanna know what I was doing time for?

Sorry. Good mornin'.

Well, I'd like to welcome you both

to Happy. I'm Miss Schaefer.

Good morning, Miss Schaefer.

I'm Steven.

I'm the other one.

David.

David.

Hi. Well...

we're just so very excited

y'all being here and all.

We're convinced with your expertise

we can finally qualify this year.

I'm afraid I've been doing the

Little Fresh Squeezed Pageants

for eight years now.

No qualifiers yet.

Last couple of years

even the parents stopped comin'...

which is a disappointment.

But we're hostin' the event

this year.

What, with 13 towns

and nearly 100 girls competing, well...

Well, you did the right thing

calling us in, because David here is...

what we call in the business...

a pageant master.

Really?

And there are only four of those

in the whole United States.

My, my.

So, what I'd like to do...

is to leave you in his capable hands

and let him work his magic...

All right.

While I tend to our business affairs.

Steven, you don't have to

go so soon.

Yes, I do, David.

No, you don't, Steven.

Yes, I do, darling.

He hates it when we're apart.

Oh.

Pleasure to meet you, Miss Schaefer.

Nice meeting you.

See ya.

Well.

Would you like to meet the girls?

I said don't point at me!

Stop it! No!

Stop it!

You mind if I just stand here

for a minute?

Shake, shake.

You do it with your booty.

You don't have to be nervous

about the girls.

They're fine with

uh, you know.

What?

About you being a homosexual.

Oh, yeah.

Now, everyone, I want you

to say hi to David.

Hi, David!

Hi.

Your booklet requested a piano.

Perhaps you'd like to

let the girls vocalize.

Great.

That's too high.

Old Dan Tucker

was a fine old man

Washed his face

in a frying pan

Combed his hair

with a wagon wheel

Died with a toothache

in his heel

Way out west

Go out west

Old Dan...

Kickin'around

Way out west, Old Dan Tucker

Old Dan Tucker.

Was that that hard?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello.

Hello to you.

Jesus.

Thought I was going to

have to stop a bank robbery.

You really scared me.

Last man in that safe...

who didn't work here

my daddy shot in his tracks.

I understand that's the most painful

place to be shot in.

So, uh, what are you doing

back there?

L I couldn't find anybody.

I call out. The safe was open.

Could have been soundproof.

I'm gonna have to start beefing up

security around here.

Pistol whip him, Chappy. Give him

a little knick knack paddy whack.

He's one of those pageant fellas.

Oh. Oh!

Oh, Joe, ask him about the trees.

The trees?

Yeah, you are looking

at the pageant's decoration committee.

Yeah, we've been out shopping

for decorations. We, uh...

we sort of decided on orange trees

and twinkle lights.

I mean, if... if that's

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