Happy, Texas Page #3

all right with you.

Twinkle lights sounds great.

Um, well, so was there

something that you needed?

No. I just wanted to make sure

the decorations were taken care of.

And things look

great here, so, uh...

So I better go check on Wayne.

Uh, Wayne Newton.

Oh.

Music for the dance numbers.

Oh. Okay.

Gotta go.

Okay. Well, I'll see ya.

Bye.

Not how I pictured him at all.

They're crafty that way.

Mm hmm.

I mean, he's cute in a sort of

zestfully clean kind of way.

But I like my men a little dirty

and packin' heat. Hmm, Chappy?

L I best bring

the rest of it up.

All right. I got it. I got it.

All right. Thank you.

I thought they were gay.

They are.

Oh, I don't know much

but I know men.

And he was looking at you

the way a fat man looks at fried food.

Sixty four bottles of beer on the wall

Sixty four bottles of beer

You take one down, pass it around

Sixty four bottles of beer on the wall

No, goddam it. They're keeping us

totally in the dark here.

Yeah, I got my tactical

display here. Mm hmm.

Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Come on in here.

Come on. Save me a trip.

Hold. Hold.

Let me get a pad of paper here.

Hold on.

Look at that.

What do you think of that?

Okay, give it to me.

Wasn't my idea to escape.

Hold on one second.

It was a fight between Wayne and Bob.

Hey, can I finish this phone call

please? Thank you.

Go ahead. Send it to me.

No, don't fax it to me. Goddam it

that's what I've been tellin' ya.

It's... It's all mushy.

I can't make heads or tails out of it.

Bring it to me, you bet.

That'd be fine.

Tomorrow? Fine.

I'll keep an eye out for you.

Oh. I was gonna find you.

The boys at the garage...

your RV there...

basically a piece of crap.

Sorry.

So how are you?

Better all the time.

Mexican authorities

have been brought into the search...

for the three men who escaped

from a prison van yesterday.

Police now think the three may have

crossed the border into Mexico...

so the manhunt is being concentrated

along the Rio Grande Valley.

You won't believe

what just happened to me.

Thank goodness

for small town sheriffs.

The guy's holding my mug shot

in his hand.

Next thing I know, we're drinking

a beer and talking about...

If you ever leave me

with a kid again...

I will make sure

that you never have one!

You have no idea what it is like

to have these screamin'...

little booger eaters

lookin' up at you...

expectin' you to...

know stuff.

An ordinary love

comes in a plain brown wrapper

Why can't we do the bank now?

Because right now that bank...

is just an ugly stepsister to when

the harvest money comes in, that's why.

I don't care

whose sister's at the bank.

I can't go back in there

and play the fool.

All right. I agree.

All right?

Don't.

That's just the price

That life imposes on a heart

An ordinary heart

We gotta get the girls

into the pageant.

It's the answer to keeping

the whole town busy on bank day.

It's the best

of all possible diversions.

It's our alibi.

We can't rob a bank if we're hosting

a beauty pageant, can we?

No.

Wayne.

Come on, Wayne.

Solitary...

Iousy food

big men with bad breath.

Or we're rich...

great beaches...

foreign women with large breasts.

I'm gonna pick that one.

All right.

All right. Sold American.

All right.

To pull it off, this needs to

be more of a partnership.

All right.

Thank you, guys. Yeah.

Hello? Sheriff?

Anybody here?

Hello?

Sheriff Dent?

Gimme that gasoline, Jency!

I promise you I'm gonna let you do

your flaming baton trick later.

Sissies, sissies

Pageant sissies

David, do you want

to help me with something?

Right.

I wanna get him!

No! Let go of me, you homo!

You come anywhere near these girls

again, I won't say nothin'.

I'm just gonna come over to your house

late at night when you're asleep...

and kill you

with a chain saw.

Cool.

You got no room to talk, lady.

Don't you ever let me

catch you fight like that again.

And don't ever drop your lead shoulder

when you throw a punch.

You think shoulder to face

when you hit.

Shoulder to face.

Sure you're okay?

Yeah.

Do you smoke?

No, thanks.

Man, I've never seen

Miss Schaefer that mad before.

She was mad?

I think she was expecting...

m more from this whole thing.

She's been talking about all this

great stuff you were going to teach us.

And, well, so far, nothin'.

All right, goddam it!

Shut your yappers!

Get your diapered butts in line!

Get over here!

Over here! Now, we got work to do!

Cool!

All right, this might

look hard at first.

All right. Head back! Oh, my God.

One, two, three, four!

Go! Okay!

It's a tornado!

It's a tornado...

goin' through the small town!

Whippin' around.

Watch it. Make it go.

Winds of fury!

Giddap! Go! Go!

Okay.

All right. Let's get started.

Girls, would you like to try

to follow what he did?

Going once.

Going twice. Sold!

$350 for this nice

Mako gas range over here.

Cute butt, sexy eyes

Tall and dark

I know what I like

Heart of gold

Brain to match

Ain't gonna settle for less than that

Next up here we have a wonderful item.

This is a classic.

It's antique.

It's a Ming vase.

It's a Ming vase?

It's a Wyo ming vase. I brought it in

from Wyoming, but it's a nice one.

There's a little crack in the back

but you can fix that up.

How about we start this at $ 100?

A $ 100 bid.

A hundred dollars, anybody? A hundred.

How about this outstanding picture here?

A man sitting on a tractor.

I don't believe it's a John Deere...

but his wife probably

calls him John Dear.

Right now our next lot is lot 24.

It's a collection of tyres.

You all know Varnel's

affection for tyres.

It's unnatural.

There's a lot of good rubber in these tyres

and there's some

steel belteds in there.

We'll start the bidding at, uh... at 200.

Two hundred, two hundred.

Give me three. Lookin' for three.

Three hundred dollar bid, dollar bid.

Three hundred dollars. Lookin'...

Hi.

Am I glad to see you.

I thought I was gonna die.

Dollar bid, dollar bid over here.

We got a $400 bid.

Hey, Varnel

what are you biddin' on?

Joe, that's a hell of a price.

But, Varnel, those are your tyres.

Judge, don't let him buy those tyres.

Sorry, Varnel.

Okay, we'll continue bidding here.

Are you always taking care of everyone?

You know what they say about small

towns... like big families, no secrets.

Which is, um, sort of why

I wanted to, uh, talk to you.

Uh, I need some advice.

You can trust me.

This is a little hard, um...

but I feel that I can talk to you

because you're, um...

because you're sort of...

Because I'm an outsider?

You are. Yes, you are

but that's not it.

Because I'm handsome?

No.

I mean, you're very handsome, I think

um, but that's not really what I'm, uh...

Okay.

Because I'm a man?

Yes.

And no.

I sort of feel like I can talk to you like a

girlfriend. You know what I mean?

That's a first.

I mean it in a good way. I mean I haven't

had a girlfriend in a really long time.

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