Happy-Go-Lucky Page #3

- That makes a lot of sense, that does.|- Cheapness is relative.

Yeah, it is. You're right. Bang-on!

So, do you want the same time every week?

Go on, then.

- Do you or don't you? I need to know.|- Well, if you need to know.

If it's good for you, it's good for me, Scott.

OK, 12 o'clock every Saturday.

- Do you like working Saturdays?|- I only work half day, Saturday.

- Oh, that's good.|- You're my last pupil.

What do you do for the rest of the day?|Are you going out tonight?

I shall go home and read my book.

Oh, it must be a good book. What is it?

It's a book.

Yeah, well, we worked that much out.

- You see three pedals in front of you.|- Yeah, yeah.

Will you put your left foot on the left-hand pedal|and push it all the way down?

He's a bit frisky, isn't he?

OK, Pauline.|Please take your boot off the pedal.

Nobody's called me Pauline|since I was two years old. Makes me laugh.

What am I supposed to call you?

- Oh, how about Poppy?|- Poppy?

- Yeah.|- Oh, yeah.

No, whatever turns you on, Scott. I don't mind.

OK, Poppy. Your boots are inappropriate|for a driving lesson.

- What's wrong with them?|- You can't control a car in high heels.

I can do a lot in these.|You should see me in these on a dance floor.

- They may be good on a dance floor.|- Not just good on a dance floor.

They are "Oooh".

They may be good in a Cadillac on a beach

when you're pissed with your boyfriend,|but they're not suitable for driving.

You're funny.

Now, next week|I want you to bring flat-soled shoes.

- I don't look any good in them.|- It's not how you look, it's how you drive.

I'll see what I can rustle up for you, Scott.|Leave it to me.

Right, you see three mirrors -

your two side-view mirrors|and your rear-view mirror.

- They make a golden triangle.|- Is that like the pubic triangle?

It's a pyramid and at the top of it|you see the all-seeing eye - Enrahah.

Can you repeat that, please? "En-ra-hah".

- You talking about the eye of Lucifer?|- No!

Cos I don't know if I want to look in there,|thank you.

It's not Lucifer. There are|two fallen angels before Lucifer.

- There is Enrahah, Raziel and Lucifer.|- I don't have them in my phone book.

- Bear with me.|- Where is he?

- Bear with me.|- I can't see him.

- It's a teaching tool.|- Is it?

Let me explain something to you about teaching.

The teacher's job is to bring out good habits|in the pupil and to get rid of bad habits.

He does that through|frequent repetitive thinking.

And he does that by creating clear|and distinct images

that are easy for the pupil to retain.

- Oh, does he, now?|- Yes.

Don't worry, it's burnt in there.

You remember. You will remember|Enrahah till the day you die

and I will have done my job.

Why don't you have something nice up there|like a giant strawberry?

Believe you me, it works.

- OK, stop!|- What am I doing now?

Please take your hand off the gear.|Off the gear stick!

- All right.|- Foot off the pedal.

- I'm not touching anything.|- Let me explain to you something.

This car is my livelihood.|This car is how I earn my living.

- I don't know how you earn your living.|- Yeah.

But if I walked into your pub|or your discotheque or your club

and I walked up to the DJ|and I scratched all his records,

or I smashed all the glasses,

and I said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know|what I was doing," that wouldn't be acceptable.

There is only one problem with that.

I don't own a bar or a disco.|I'm just a primary school teacher.

- Are you?|- Afraid so, kiddo.

Are you a Satanist, Scott?

- No, in fact I'm exactly the opposite.|- Are you the Pope, then?

- That's the same thing.|- Is it? Does he know that?

Right, you have three pedals, A, B, C.|Accelerator, brake and clutch.

# Talking about...|Lovely.

- Good.|- Yeah.

What's he like?

- You'd love him.|- Would I?

He made me laugh. He was funny.

What? Like funny "Ha ha" or funny peculiar?

- Bit of both, actually.|- So, what happened, then?

- He shouted at me.|- What? He gave you a telling off?

He's a little bit uptight. Just a little bit.

- Bet you wound him up.|- Might set you up with him.

- Is he fit?|- Yeah.

No, he's not fit at all. Just your type.

What do I get out of it?|- You get a shag whenever you want.

When was the last time that happened?

Who's fault's that, eh?|Where are you going? Suzy!

- You all right?|- All right?

- What's going on?|- Come on.

- You shouting at my little sister?|- No.

- Doesn't look like it, does it?|- Poppy!

- Where are you going?|- F*** off!

Not coming with us, apparently. Adios.

Suze!

Ooh.

- Morning, Poppy.|- All right?

- What's the matter?|- Buggered my back, haven't I?

- Looks like it.|- Trampolining.

- Trampolining? Really?|- Yeah, I go every week.

- What? After school?|- I love it.

Great.

You've got to keep the muscles a-pumping.

- Cos I've just started flamenco.|- You haven't?

- It's fantastic.|- I've always wanted to do it. Bit of that.

- Careful.|- I'm all right.

- Come along, if you want.|- When is it?

Every Tuesday, 6:30.

- Well, see how you feel.|- All right.

- Morning, Leanne.|- Morning.

Stink of urine round here.

- I can't smell anything.|- Have you peed your pants?

Yeah, sorry.

- You're a naughty girl.|- Tell me about it.

Ow!

- You all right?|- Yeah.

Come on, we're nearly there.

- Have you lost your sense of smell?|- Yeah, smoking dulls your senses.

- And your brain. Here we go.|- Go on, then.

Done that.

- All done?|- Yeah, thanks.

OK.

Take care.

- OK, who have we got next?|- Poppy Cross.

Thanks.

Poppy? No, I'm Zoe. Nice to meet you.

No, I'm Poppy, sorry about her.|Don't know who she is.

- My name's Ezra.|- Hello, Ezra.

- You want to just follow me upstairs?|- Yeah.

- You're big, aren't you?|- Good luck!

- Just take your time.|- What are you going to do to me?

Ooh!

Makes me laugh.

OK, I'm just going to feel the muscles|in your back.

- Right.|- And you let me know where the pain is.

I'll send you a text.

Strong fingers.

That tickles.

- Oooh! Bang on the money.|- OK.

- Ow...|- And this side?

Yeah.

OK. Do you want to reach down to your side|as if you're picking something up?

Picking chickens.

No, sorry. I can't do that. Ow! Oooh.

Is it your back?

Sorry?

Cos it can affect everything, can't it?

Like your mood and everything.

- Nice action.|- Lie on your back for me, please.

Must get one of these. Come in very handy.

Oooh! Ow.

OK, I'm just going to ask you to roll|yourself onto your side, facing me.

You don't ask for much do you, eh?

I'm going to feel the muscles in your spine again.

Ooh.

Oh!

# What-d'you-ma-call-it,|ding dang dilly dilly da da, hoo-hoo!

OK.

All right, lie back.

There we go.

There's a joint in your spine that's jammed up.

Oh, no.

- Would you like me to release it?|- Is it serious?

- It's not too bad.|- What you going to do? Will it hurt?

It may for a few days.

- Go on, then. Go for your life.|- Are you sure?

If you're quick.

OK. I'm going to roll you over and you'll|feel a short sharp click in your back.

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